To find teachers a bit bloody defensive / precious

[SweetFanniAdams]

Just find myself feeling the need to pussy foot around issues so as not to offend dc’s teachers. Not just isolated to the odd one over the years, but seems to be a theme that when ever I try to interact, understand what’s going on (with a view to support their work at home) that I get very defensive responses, like I’m questioning their teaching or decisions or something.
Bloody exhausting.
I’m very direct and find I have to spend a huge amount of time planning and thinking about what I want to say so as not to be offensive or misunderstood. I wish I could just communicate freely.
Is this just something that happens to me?

And I’m deliberately being vague so as not to be outed

And for more info on the run up to how these issues happen

I don't quite understand what you mean by this. Is it that you want to know what's provoking these incidents or has there in the past been a pattern of behaviour that culminates in something more explosive and your DD gets disciplined? Or something else altogether?

An actual, visible eye roll? Not just an internal one? If so, that’s unprofessional.

Are you saying your DC has AEN that contribute to the disciplinary issue? Would the SENCO maybe be the better person to talk to?

Does he have effected psych/EHCP? How is his neurological conditions impacting on his behaviour and is it definitely his neurological condition? Kids with SN can be naughty too

So you agree that your DS misbehaved and you agree that the teachers dealt with it?

It was probably the SENCO/INCO you needed to speak to then.

Of all the teachers my children have had involved in their education, I've only had one (head of KS1) be defensive in that way. Most of them have been stellar, direct but positive even with tricky situations and quick to adapt when they realise their assumptions about something were wrong (which I think is really difficult for people in most professions).

What you describe sounds unprofessional and I wonder if the management at the school is really poor if you're getting that sort of thing from lots of his teachers.

Yes private
Yes SENCO involved but doesn’t seem to integrate with all the teachers that are involved with him
Neurological issues affect impulsively
Yes he can misbehave
Yes I try to understand the run up to the incidents so to be able to coach ds at home around how and when to do things differently.
Just giving detention etc isn’t meaningful enough to ds in order to prevent it happening again.

It’s not just about this one thing though.

I genuinely find them difficult to communicate with on a professional level. I’m obviously too direct.

It sounds to me like you are questioning their professionalism. So not only are they having to deal with your child misbehaving, they are then having to deal with you demanding to know about protocols and wanting them to teach you how to parent your child.

You say your child has a condition. I’m assuming ASC or ADHD etc. Have you been screened for the same condition yourself? A lot of these things are hereditary. Maybe you are having communication difficulties due to this?

Notevilstepmother

So I’m not allowed to ask to understand the situation better?

Are you a teacher?

The most common reason for people coming across as defensive is when they feel they are being attacked.

In state schools you have to report to parents via parents evening 3 times a year minimum

It sounds as if ds is a teenager and behaviour is the usual problem. There can be a gap between the child's, teacher's and parent's perception of what has happened and how to deal with it. A very tricky area.

Are you going through SEN? If you are not happy go higher up.

Btw I am a teacher and in general can see both sides. Yes, we can often be defensive. It is job where the workload, stress and expectations are so high with very little positive feedback. But nearly all teachers do care a lot about the kids (why do it otherwise?) and will gladly engage with parents.

And I don’t seem to have communication difficulties in my professional life.
I do have a fairly successful career in an people centred environment

Detention is unlikely to help an impulsive child.

I genuinely find them difficult to communicate with on a professional level. I’m obviously too direct

I’m sorry you have had bad experiences- teachers are human..

I think writing off an entire profession is a little extreme though. And honestly? People who say “I’m really/too direct”? Often are actually a bit rude..is that possible?

I think expecting a small independent to have ‘protocols’ for dealing with kids with specific neurological conditions that effect impulsivity is optimistic at best. The teacher probably felt attacked and on the defensive with your very direct approach.

Teachers are only human after all- and you are the expert on your DS’s specific issues and not him.

I think ‘can we work together to establish a protocol so that he can cope with school life more easily’ would be an approach more likely to end in success.

He suggests that I accept they are professionals and I trust they know what they are doing

I agree that this is a vague response. I wouldn't say this to a parent to be honest. I'm not sure I 100% understand what the discipline issues are with your child (and I understand you probably don't want to be too specific on MN) but I would be more than willing to share how it is being dealt with and steps that can be taken between home and school to help improve things. You're right in that ad hoc conversations don't work for teachers, especially with a class of 31 kids like I have! However, I am willing to meet parents after school (at a time that is convenient for us both) to discuss important issues like behaviour. If your child was at a state school, it is very likely there would be a fair bit of SEN involvement due to your DS having a neurological condition. Is he on a SEN register, for example? Or do they not have such a thing?

So is what your looking for an understanding of what's happening so you can implement consistency between home and school? That's not unreasonable but I must say from your posts here, op, you're not being "direct" at all. It's difficult to see if your lack of clarity is because you're trying to limit identifying info or because you're just not as clear as you think you are. Can you give a hypothetical example of your "direct" communication?

To be fair, some teachers find parents to be attacking and try to mediate/smooth the waters. It isn't always defensiveness, but sometimes they need an answer from someone else and can't give you the answer you want right then.

Stripybeachbag

Yes that makes sense and I understand why and how it’s hard not to be defensive. I just wish they would understand my intentions are to make life easier all round. I’m on their side and all I need it open communication. it’s like they put a wall up and don’t want to engage at all. It’s the simple fact that I’m engaging with them even just a little bit that I think irks them.

OP, Ian the school name one that starts with an M?

Just giving detention etc isn’t meaningful enough to ds in order to prevent it happening again.
You said that you agreed with the punishment but from this it comes across that you don’t. Maybe that’s the message the teacher received too - hence the reaction.

Yes SENCO involved but doesn’t seem to integrate with all the teachers that are involved with him
I don’t understand - your DS doesn’t integrate or your SENCO doesn’t integrate? Either way, it’s still a meeting with the SENCO you needed. Ask for it with the teacher if you feel that might be helpful.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t ask or understand, I’m just trying to help you see how it could come across.

I’m a teacher but I’m also neurodiverse myself so I can see it from both sides. However I was probably a little blunt myself to you, and perhaps you can see why the teachers don’t like it.

I’m happy to discuss by PM if you think I can help and you don’t want to be specific on here.

It's definitely not all teachers but I have found certain teachers are defensive. My DSIS is a HT and I always check with her before I try to have conversations with teachers - just to ensure I'm not being too precious or UR. Yet, there was one specific teacher at DS' old school who was always defensive.
Good teachers will answer your questions openly and honestly.

AppleKatie
That is EXACTLY how I pitched it