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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour Problem...

143 replies

ComfortablyGlum · 22/05/2018 15:39

Bit sensitive this so come on here for advice.

Someone moved into next door recently - they were a parent of someone else in the street (small quiet cul de sac). All fine until the good weather started.

This lady appears to be a carer for a special needs person. Since the start of the good weather the special needs person spends the day swearing at the top of her voice in the garden. She is sometimes placated by her carer but she’s soon back to it.

My younger children are getting really upset by it now - I’ve tried to explain the lady isn’t well and it’s not her fault etc but even I’m becoming very weary of it. It’s the ‘very bad swear words’ too. I’m not a prude and can be sweary quite often but having these screamed out daily it’s awful.

I have NO intention of storming round to complain - I realise it’s a tricky situation but wondered if there was a ‘nice’ way to see if the carer could do anything to improve the situation?

Would I be unreasonable to approach her at all or is this something I’m just going to have to put up with from now on? Should I maybe approach the daughter of the carer who lives in the same street instead - I do know her a little and feel I could broach the subject quite easily.

OP posts:
MissionItsPossible · 22/05/2018 15:45

I'm sure if there was a 'nice' way she could improve the situation she would have done so already? Sounds like a difficult situation though.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 22/05/2018 15:45

Why are your children getting upset? Is she threatening them? You just tell your children to ignore the bad language and never to say those words. They'll Soon learn to tune it out.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 22/05/2018 15:49

You just tell your children to ignore the bad language and never to say those words. They'll Soon learn to tune it out.

Why should they? Nobody should have to listen to that.

Yanbu op at all, I would probably have a word with the carer herself rather than the daughter. I hope you get it sorted, I can imagine how awful it must be.

Original poster
ComfortablyGlum · 22/05/2018 15:51

Children are upset because she is very loud and angry - it’s not the sort of behaviour they are used to in their home environment. I have explained that the lady is ill etc etc but it’s hard for them.

The ‘angry’ tone behind the words makes it much worse than if she was just mumbling to herself or even in a normal speaking voice. It’s VERY loud, shouty angry swearing.

OP posts:
MotherforkingShirtballs · 22/05/2018 15:54

She is sometimes placated by her carer but she’s soon back to it

It sounds like her carer is already aware and trying to keep her calm. If this woman can't help it then there's not really much to be done although I can see that its a difficult situation all round.

Are there any times/days where she isn't in the garden? Or would a radio playing semi-quietly in your garden maybe help your DC tune her out?

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 22/05/2018 15:56

Why should they?

Because they can and the person swearing presumably cant stop.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 22/05/2018 15:57

OP just keep reassuring your chidlren the woman isn’t shouting at them and isn’t going to hurt them. They will get used to ignoring it.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 22/05/2018 16:05

the person swearing presumably can't stop

Possibly not but they could be removed from the garden.

Why on earth should young children, or anyone for that matter be subjected to angry vile rants when they are in their own home? The carer needs to do what she can to prevent this from happening not just sometimes but EVERY time.

InfiniteSheldon · 22/05/2018 16:07

My friend had this and her young child was terrified of the Neighbour yanbu it's unfair on you and your dc

TorviBrightspear · 22/05/2018 16:10

The OP's rights do not trump the neighbour's. She has the same rights to be in her garden, so suggesting she should be removed is a non starter.

I don't know what the solution is, if any.

ThenCameTheFools · 22/05/2018 16:12

It's not fair on you whether the woman can help it or not. You have the right not to have your children listening to it. She has a carer, and a relative in the same road who are presumably both aware of her problem.

I would approach both of them again, politely, but firmly. Good luck.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 22/05/2018 16:12

So a person with a disability should be shut up in the house 24/7 because other NT people don’t want to do something that is perfectly within their power to do? (ignore it- accept it isn’t about them or directed at them or deliberate)

LighthouseSouth · 22/05/2018 16:18

I really feel for you OP

the thing is I wonder how conflicting needs can be met

I think some kind of 50/50 garden share scheme would be an answer. What would people think if a child with sensory processing issues was being subjected to this?

cjt110 · 22/05/2018 16:19

Very tricky one. Is she in the garden when her carer is there, or at any time of the day? If it's when the carer is there, presumably, they come at specified times so you can avoid your children going out in the garden at those times?

Unfortunately, I do think you will have to teach your children to be tolerant and zone it out as it's not done with aggression (although it may sound aggressive) or perhaps even knowledge that she is doing it.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 22/05/2018 16:19

Don't be ridiculous, I am not saying she should be locked in the house 24/7.

Honestly MN is like a parallel world sometimes, where on earth do people live where this would just be accepted and young children are told to get used to the shouty sweary woman who is frightening them.

MotherforkingShirtballs · 22/05/2018 16:19

What would people think if a child with sensory processing issues was being subjected to this?

My child has sensory processing issues. He would quite probably join in Grin

SluttyButty · 22/05/2018 16:20

I'm so wary of this myself. My ASD son has little control when a meltdown is imminent and if he's in the bedroom, windows open then I die a little bit inside due to his loud shouting of swear words.

I won't let him outside for fear of people complaining to me and I keep his bedroom window shut when he's in there.

It's not fun and I imagine the carer is already aware.

cjt110 · 22/05/2018 16:20

MotherforkingShirtballs F Bomb tennis over the hedge Grin

cjt110 · 22/05/2018 16:21

SluttyButty That's a really sad post to read

MotherforkingShirtballs · 22/05/2018 16:22

cjt his favourite type of tennis.

And there'd be much giggling and indignant "but she's saying it!!!!"

Rocinante1 · 22/05/2018 16:22

I think you would be reasonable to try and find a compromise. The shouting is affecting your enjoyment of your home; so you have every right to feel annoyed. It also doesn’t matter how much you explain this to your children; they should not need to listen to that kind of language all day long when they are in their own garden.

Can you pop round with some cold drinks, some snacks and ask if you could possibly have a word. Then explain the affect in your children and ask if there’s anyway she could bring her inside for a little so your children can play without the bad language, or ask if there’s anyway the career could be with her in the garden to give your kids a break.

Don’t ask for it to be stopped; don’t ask for her to be kept inside all day. Just ask for a way to compromise, but be gentle and stress that you understand how hard this all is and you don’t want to pile on, but you need to protect your children from language like that and they equally should not be kept inside all day.

Chattymummyhere · 22/05/2018 16:22

I’m not sure what could be done but obviously nobody should be hearing constant angry swearing shouting.

Bombardier25966 · 22/05/2018 16:22

I'd use it as a lesson in empathy for your children. "The lady next door is very poorly and gets upset. She doesn't mean any harm to anyone else" etc. Also find out the name of the lady if you can, personalising it can make it easier to understand. "Sarah is having a very bad day today. I hope she is feeling better soon".

(And I'm not suggesting your children have an issue with empathy, just that this is an opportunity to understand the difficulties those with disabilities can face every day.)

MumofBoysx2 · 22/05/2018 16:22

That's a really tricky one. You want to be accommodating but at the same time however you look at it its antisocial behaviour, even though she can't help it, and children shouldn't be hearing that sort of thing. I had this in hospital for just a couple of days, a woman shouting and swearing all night long. It was really stressful with the lack of sleep, so I can sympathise with you having to live next door to her. The carer should take her indoors when she starts swearing. Typical that the relative is safely down the road while you and the carer have to cope instead. YANBU to speak to the relative.

OliviaStabler · 22/05/2018 16:24

So a person with a disability should be shut up in the house 24/7 because other NT people don’t want to do something that is perfectly within their power to do? (ignore it- accept it isn’t about them or directed at them or deliberate)

You think it is easy to ignore someone who is outside for hours shouting and swearing?

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