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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Neighbour Problem...

143 replies

ComfortablyGlum · 22/05/2018 15:39

Bit sensitive this so come on here for advice.

Someone moved into next door recently - they were a parent of someone else in the street (small quiet cul de sac). All fine until the good weather started.

This lady appears to be a carer for a special needs person. Since the start of the good weather the special needs person spends the day swearing at the top of her voice in the garden. She is sometimes placated by her carer but she’s soon back to it.

My younger children are getting really upset by it now - I’ve tried to explain the lady isn’t well and it’s not her fault etc but even I’m becoming very weary of it. It’s the ‘very bad swear words’ too. I’m not a prude and can be sweary quite often but having these screamed out daily it’s awful.

I have NO intention of storming round to complain - I realise it’s a tricky situation but wondered if there was a ‘nice’ way to see if the carer could do anything to improve the situation?

Would I be unreasonable to approach her at all or is this something I’m just going to have to put up with from now on? Should I maybe approach the daughter of the carer who lives in the same street instead - I do know her a little and feel I could broach the subject quite easily.

OP posts:

ZeroFuchsGiven · 24/05/2018 12:58

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo

You have pretty mush said all through this thread from your first post that op should just put up with it.

CantankerousCamel · 24/05/2018 13:02

We live next to a mentally unwell person. It’s tricky because she has children of a similar age to mine and is not as unwell as your neighbour, but still clearly struggles with boundaries and has been outright intimidating and awful to my children. They used to really hate it, refusing to go into the garden in case she came out etc.

Eventually they grew up and they are much more resilient now. She shouted the other day that the children speaking to each other over the fence would make ‘the police come and make them (meaning us) move’

Obviously I carefully explained the reality of this to them and how absurd it is and now at 5 and 7 they’re starting to get it.

We do have a mini rig I often play in the garden if we are out there.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 24/05/2018 13:06

No, I said she can teach her children that it’s not scary, they aren’t in danger and learn to tune it out. That’s taking action to see if it lessens the impact on you without requesting the disabled person reduce their already limited exposure to the world. That’s not putting up. That’s doing something.

AmericanEskimoDoge · 24/05/2018 13:59

YANBU to want your children to be able to enjoy their garden in peace. (And many adults would find that nerve-wracking, too, and end up staying inside rather than listen to it for hours on end.)

No-one needs to be sitting outside for six hours straight every nice weekday, so there should at least be the possibility of compromising over a set period of "quiet hours" during which the person making the noise can stay indoors.

MiggeldyHiggins · 24/05/2018 14:28

No, I said she can teach her children that it’s not scary, they aren’t in danger and learn to tune it out

You can't teach a child not to be scared of something that is scaring them.

What if part of the persons problem was punching people in the head as they walked past? You wouldn't say oh they can't help it, just teach people not to mind being punched in the head, you can't try and stop them. No, you'd say well we must find a way to stop them doing this in a kind and protective way to make their life easier AND stop people getting punched in te head.
Its no different.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 24/05/2018 14:59

You can't teach a child not to be scared of something that is scaring them.

Seriously!! You can’t show them that the dog they are scared of is gentle by introducing them and letting them pet the dog? Or that the big loud fire engine is just loud but won’t hurt them? Or that there is no monster under their bed? Of course you can teach children not to be scared. It’s quite a large part of parenting small children. If it wasn’t possible we would have millions of adults running round screaming at loud noises or birds or thunder.

What if part of the persons problem was punching people in the head as they walked past

Punching people in the head is actual harm. Perfectly fine to be scared of that!

Its no different.

Dear god!!

Jaxhog · 24/05/2018 15:28

I think talking to the carer and agreeing a compromise for when who's in the garden is the the best way forward. Denying you and your children any peaceful use of your garden is unacceptable.

Although if I were cynical, I might be thinking that the carer may be parking her in the garden to get away from the shouting and swearing herself.

Good Luck.

MiggeldyHiggins · 24/05/2018 15:37

Seriously!! You can’t show them that the dog they are scared of is gentle by introducing them and letting them pet the dog

Yes seriously. FFS, if a child is actually scared of the dog it won't pet it at all, how simplistic can you get that you think its a matter of just telling them dogs are nice?

MiggeldyHiggins · 24/05/2018 15:37

Punching people in the head is actual harm. Perfectly fine to be scared of that!

So is having to listen to screamed obscenities all day in your own home. Its not for you to decide what other people are allowed to be scared of.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 24/05/2018 15:47

how simplistic can you get that you think its a matter of just telling them dogs are nice?

Well when you change what I said to make it sound simplistic, then yeah, it’s sounds simplistic. I didnt say “tell them dogs are nice. Bish bash bosh Child fixed”

Screaming obscenities is unpleasant. But they are in no danger. There is literally nothing for them to be afraid of.

MiggeldyHiggins · 24/05/2018 15:52

you said what you said. It was foolish and simplistic.
You also appear to have no care at all for the poor person being left to scream in a garden.
You're just empty virtue signalling "look at me calling out disabilism, aren't I great?". No, you're not.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 24/05/2018 16:04

Yes I said what I said. Not what your transparent attempt to twist my words attributed to me. There is nothing foolish or simplistic about teaching your children it’s ok not to be afraid of things that won’t hurt them. It’s actually pretty normal, most parents do it.

As for the rest of your post. Oh yawn. If that’s what you need to think then knock yourself out. We’ll agree to disagree or this will go round in circles.

PorkyPortia · 24/05/2018 16:07

Did we establish whether its the carers own house or the house of the person she looks after ?

OliviaStabler · 25/05/2018 07:52

olivia what is your actual problem with me? Your responses to me are becoming ridiculous.

No problem. I am simply answering your points. Can't see what I have written that is 'ridiculous' but calling my answers 'ridiculous' is a bit rich coming from someone who posted the phrase 'are you ok, hun?' in response to one of my posts.

You just don't like anyone disagreeing with you and you seem unable to accept that those of us who disagree with you are not going to change our minds just because you say we should.

Your view is that it is completely unacceptable for anyone to object to a woman being in a garden for hours on end screaming and shouting obscenities. I disagree and think there is a compromise to be had to suit both sides.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 25/05/2018 14:01

Right, so instead of saying all that you thought it would be better expressed by you obsessing over my neighbours dog? Not sure what you were trying to do there tbh.

jannier · 25/05/2018 21:23

MiggeldyHiggins ................I work with children who are scared of things like dogs, spiders, hand dryers and many other things you can help them get over their fear I have one who is now begging mummy for a dog who used to wet themselves on sight of one, and its actually mummy who now admits she's scared of dogs and has passed that on to her child.
The children will get over their anxiety over the neighbour if it is dealt with sensitively.

jannier · 25/05/2018 21:41

ZeroFuchsGiven "I don't think either of those but she should be removed from the garden and took indoors when she starts shouting swearing and scaring young children"

When you live in an ordinary 2 or 3 bed house and struggle to get out to shops etc because you are a carer (in the sense of a relative, unpaid person who is 24/7 on duty) removing from the garden means taking the offending person into one room (lounge or bedroom) not taking them into a large care home with numerous areas, in my book that is like being imprisoned. Then I guess you can ask the GP to come and inject them or prescribe tranquilizers so they are docile and no bother to anyone, pretty much what happens in those care home you see on undercover programmes, where the residents are drugged to make them quiet and compliant and cut labour costs.
As the neighbour may not be wheelchair bound or infirm I wonder how one person is supposed to drag her inside lock her in and stop her then screaming at the top of her lungs so the next door neighbours don't complain of being disturbed indoors 24/7 by a frustrated locked up prisoner.
I'm currently looking after a 2 year old with ASD and the noise and fuss he makes if he cant get outside is enough to ne heard next door and he cant even get physical yet. When he's 15 with hormones towering over me and wanting to get out the door I guess I should drug him. Just because his school decides to do non uniform day and he's stressed.

Ethylred · 25/05/2018 21:50

I would rent some high-quality recording equipment, record the noise over several days, then consult a lawyer.

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