Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Neighbour Problem...

143 replies

ComfortablyGlum · 22/05/2018 15:39

Bit sensitive this so come on here for advice.

Someone moved into next door recently - they were a parent of someone else in the street (small quiet cul de sac). All fine until the good weather started.

This lady appears to be a carer for a special needs person. Since the start of the good weather the special needs person spends the day swearing at the top of her voice in the garden. She is sometimes placated by her carer but she’s soon back to it.

My younger children are getting really upset by it now - I’ve tried to explain the lady isn’t well and it’s not her fault etc but even I’m becoming very weary of it. It’s the ‘very bad swear words’ too. I’m not a prude and can be sweary quite often but having these screamed out daily it’s awful.

I have NO intention of storming round to complain - I realise it’s a tricky situation but wondered if there was a ‘nice’ way to see if the carer could do anything to improve the situation?

Would I be unreasonable to approach her at all or is this something I’m just going to have to put up with from now on? Should I maybe approach the daughter of the carer who lives in the same street instead - I do know her a little and feel I could broach the subject quite easily.

OP posts:

Abra1de · 22/05/2018 16:25

The SN lady’s needs don’t trump those of your children to have enjoyment of their garden, so she needs to stay indoors for part of the day when the children are outside, perhaps between 3 and 6, for instance. She has the rest of the day to use the garden.

cjt110 · 22/05/2018 16:26

It shouldn't be allowed to go on for hours. The carer, if they are present, should take charge and move the neighbour indoors/away from the shared areas. But that said, who knows the carer is there all the time and NDN isn't out on heir own having one of their episodes.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 22/05/2018 16:28

You think it is easy to ignore someone who is outside for hours shouting and swearing?

You think it’s easier or harder than stopping the shouting and swearing for the shouter and swearer?

brummiesue · 22/05/2018 16:31

The lady next door is a carer for someone with special needs? Who I suppose lives somewhere else and not next door? If so and she is only looking after her for x amount of hours a day then its perfectly reasonable to ask her to try to sort it out- take her out more in the day or something similar

LighthouseSouth · 22/05/2018 16:32

MotherForking - your DS isn't the one who needs earphones I take it

not that I'm advocating sweary tennis!!

seriously OP I think it's quite a complicated issue but I wonder if it's worth talking to the carer and having set garden times or something?

GrannyGrissle · 22/05/2018 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Stephisaur · 22/05/2018 16:33

At the risk of sounding unreasonable myself, could you not speak to the carer and ask that the woman not be in the garden at times your DC are likely to hear?

If they are of school age, that's quite a large chunk of time that she could be in the garden during the day without the children having to hear it?

Just an idea, not sure if it's a workable one.

CuppaSarah · 22/05/2018 16:33

Could you possiby try to get to know them? When I've worked with autistic adults there were a few that reguarly, loudly shouted swear words. It sounded incredibly aggressive, but when you worked with them you learnt it was just a sound they enjoyed making. Infact they were such lovely people and so funny that what seemed intimidating at first, became endearing. I still can't hear the term "Fucking Hell" being shouted without smiling, remembering one young woman in particular.

Obviously getting to know them could be a total nonstarter, or their behaviour might still be upsetting even if you know them. But I imagine the whole unknown aspect is one of the scariest things about it for children.

FlamingGalar · 22/05/2018 16:35

It's not always possible for small children to filter out angry, aggressive swearing and can actually be extremely frightening. If this means the OPs children are too scared to play in the garden then by the same token the needs of the neighbour shouldn't trump the OPs.

Not for one second do I think that the swearing lady should be shut up in doors 24/7 but I do think the OP could have word with the neighbour and explain how this is impacting them. Both parties should be able to enjoy their gardens equally even if this means compromising on time spent in the garden on both sides.

I would have a word with the neighbour directly OP. Even if she can't do much about it perhaps she could explain a bit more about the persons disability so you can explain the reasons behind the swearing more clearly to your children. It could help dissipate some of their fears around it. You never know, there may be something she can (and is willing) to do like enjoying the outdoors in the park occasionally rather than the garden. Possibly not, but you don't know until you talk to her.

Plantpotpot · 22/05/2018 16:36

I don’t think there is one person who would like this in their garden! And the people saying effectively ‘poor person’ are right but would ALSO hate it - it’s ok not to like it!! Just don’t know what the answer is.

apostropheuse · 22/05/2018 16:37

I read it as it's the carer who lives next door and ahe is looking after the special needs person in her, ie the carer's home.

biscuitaddict · 22/05/2018 16:39

May be you can take the children to meet her to show that she's not scary, say hello etc. They will follow your lead. If you're annoyed and anxious, they will be. While it's not acceptable to have bad language shouted all day, there seems little you can do to stop it.

dinosaursandtea · 22/05/2018 16:40

If the neighbour is working as a carer and that's why the woman is there, then it is a legitimate problem because her work can't override people's right to live without hearing swearing. If the woman with SN is living there though, there's not much you can do except arrange a time that you and your dc can have quiet time outside.

Knittedfairies · 22/05/2018 16:41

It’s difficult, and I can see why your children are upset. I don’t know what the answer is, but I think the suggestion to talk to the carer may be the way forward. However, they do know what the situation is, so tread carefully.

(BTW ‘Special needs person’ is an odd way of saying person with special needs)

Knitjob · 22/05/2018 16:42

Who actually lives next door, both of them?

And who is the family member who lives on your street already? Do you know them already? Might that be a way to start a discussion?

Tough one op. I wouldn't like it either but I have no idea what I would do.

CoffeeIsNotEnough · 22/05/2018 16:43

That sounds a really difficult situation. It goes without saying that the lady is as entitled to be in the garden as you and your family.

How old are your kids?

Is it possible for the carer to introduce the lady to your kids? Or maybe she has some ideas about how to explain it to your kids so they are less scared?

Are your kids at school? If they are, I'd try asking the carer if there's any way you can each 'timetable' time in the garden to avoid each other.

Your kids do need to learn to understand about different people, but of course that's not easy if they are little & scared.

lubeybooby · 22/05/2018 16:49

Sounds like the carer can't be arsed and is leaving the person in the garden for their own peace or something?

I would try and suss out if that is the case, report them if necessary and make sure this person is receiving proper care

FeedMeTikka · 22/05/2018 16:50

It’s a tough one because obviously if the person has SN chances are they can’t just stop, and I’m sure the carer is aware and tries as best as she can to manage the situation.

I have similar with my dd who has asd, my windows are kept shut and wherever possible if she starts melting down in the garden I bring her indoors-although I have to admit my neighbours are super polite and always maintain they can’t hear her (even in the middle of the night) which is impossible.

That said I don’t know how I’ll manage to bring her in as she grows as its getting increasingly difficult to do so as she grows.

I can completely understand why you don’t want to listen to it or subject your children all the time. It’s worth talking to her by all means but there may not be much she can do.

soloula · 22/05/2018 16:53

What a nightmare OP. As much as I empathise with the neighbour and their right to enjoy their garden, no one wants to hear that. I certainly wouldn't want to listen to that, and would find it hard to ignore. I like to sit out and read when the weather is nice and while I'm quite adept at blocking out traffic noise or music from other gardens, I really struggle with intermittent noises like shouting or dogs barking loudly. And I definitely wouldn't want my kids to have to listen to that. When you say all day, is it really all day?

I'd be speaking to your neighbour and try and get some compromise that maybe they're not out when the kids are out and she supervises more closely. Easier when the kids are at school but not so much with the holidays round the corner and also at weekends.

If they're not willing to compromise I'd be putting on the radio or some music on that side of the garden where the shouting is coming from to try and drown it out a bit so it's not as in your face and distracting for your kids

CocoaGin · 22/05/2018 16:56

If the lady with SN was living there, it would be a whole different ballgame. But she doesn't, and your NDN is using her home as a place of work. That puts another light on it entirely, and I'd have no hesitation in saying that you don't expect your children or yourself to have to listen to it. Suggest that you both need to agree on times when you can use the garden but that you aren't going to tolerate this and if you can't sort it out agreeably, then you will complain to the council.
I'd also check that she's bought and isn't renting, as she could be breaking the terms of her tenancy.

RatherBeRiding · 22/05/2018 16:59

If people aren't willing to listen to loud music from radios, barking dogs, etc etc then why should this be any different? It doesn't matter if the person can control it or not - it's not something you want to listen to constantly.

I'd speak directly to the neighbour who is a carer and say that it is really becoming an issue and what does she suggest?

slowco4ch · 22/05/2018 17:00

My sister is special needs, starved of oxygen at birth. She has respite care and specialist carers but can get very agitated and has a better turn of expletives than the saltiest sailor.

Take a moment to walk in someone else's shoes. I've grown up with this, been embarrassed by it, fought people over it and other times be pleased my sister can actually communicate after the various brain operations and horrible start to life she had.

You can explain to your children what is going on, and to be kind people and zone it out. You can teach them that they are lucky in this world to not have the ongoing abnormal brain activity that would cause the anger/upset and moods that go along with special needs.

Be one of the good people in the world, not one of the pain in the ass neighbours who doesn't take the moment to try and work around these things.

Those of you talking about antisocial behaviour etc. OP exactly what do you mean by "spends the day"? I'm sure you can speak with kindness and find a way of making it work for everyone.

In the meantime all of you miseries with children with such sensitive ears need to find some understanding and compassion. Raise your children to champion those in this world already excluded by so much.

Knittedfairies · 22/05/2018 17:16

Sounds like the carer can't be arsed and is leaving the person in the garden for their own peace or something?

If you have never been a carer for what feels like 28 hours a day for 9 days a week, you wouldn’t say that.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 22/05/2018 17:20

If people aren't willing to listen to loud music from radios, barking dogs, etc etc then why should this be any different?

Really? You can’t see the difference between an inanimate object being played for someone’s pleasure, or a dog barking and a human being with a disability using their garden? Do you suggest she should be fitted with an anti swear collar or an off button?

jannier · 22/05/2018 17:22

ZeroFuchsGiven................One day you might be dealing with someone who does this Alzheimer's for instance can cause swearing and aggression, Tourette Syndrome can also strike. How would you feel as a prisoner who cant go out even into their garden on a sunny day? many carers are actually imprisoned inside those walls with the person they care for, either one could be you or a loved one some day.
We no longer live in a society who lock up people to please the publics sense of moral code and our children are encouraged to accept differences, one day someone with Tourette's may start at your child's school, will you be out there protesting?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread