Neighbour Problem...

[ComfortablyGlum]

Bit sensitive this so come on here for advice.

Someone moved into next door recently - they were a parent of someone else in the street (small quiet cul de sac). All fine until the good weather started.

This lady appears to be a carer for a special needs person. Since the start of the good weather the special needs person spends the day swearing at the top of her voice in the garden. She is sometimes placated by her carer but she’s soon back to it.

My younger children are getting really upset by it now - I’ve tried to explain the lady isn’t well and it’s not her fault etc but even I’m becoming very weary of it. It’s the ‘very bad swear words’ too. I’m not a prude and can be sweary quite often but having these screamed out daily it’s awful.

I have NO intention of storming round to complain - I realise it’s a tricky situation but wondered if there was a ‘nice’ way to see if the carer could do anything to improve the situation?

Would I be unreasonable to approach her at all or is this something I’m just going to have to put up with from now on? Should I maybe approach the daughter of the carer who lives in the same street instead - I do know her a little and feel I could broach the subject quite easily.

Hmm if it's tourrettes or something similar, the lady won't be able to stop it as it's completely involuntary. My kids frequently hear very loud shouting from the folks behind us and violent arguments. I know the mum has bipolar and anxiety - not an excuse, but I know some with anxiety, it comes out as aggression.

We're all autistic in my family and are far more bothered by the loud music and smoking from next door.

When you say all the time OP - do you mean literally 12 hours during daylight? That would be a very long time and could be a care issue. How long is it?

Ps, I have never complained about the loud music and smoking come from next door, as the hubby there is also bi-polar and they have teenagers... Hard time enough for anyone, and it's not their fault I have noise sensitivities and allergies.

I'm a little bit confused- does the person with additional needs live in the house next door to you, or is your neighbour working as a carer from her own home, and bringing the person she cares for round to her house?

I appreciate how difficult it is to be a carer for someone in these circumstances, but it may be that a compromise can be worked out . The carer might not be aware of the extent to which your children are frightened, and might be able to work around e.g. school hours/ nursery days when using the garden. If the person being cared for doesn't live at the house, but is being brought there from elsewhere, it may be that he/she could spend some time at their own home , or with the relative who lives elsewhere in the street.

It sounds really difficult for everyone involved- talking to the family in a diplomatic way is the way forward.

Turn the garden hose on her. Every single time

Should the OP also spit on her and throw stones or do you think the hose will be sufficient?

Dick.

I agree that talking is the best way forward. Let them know you appreciate how difficult it is and you don't want her to be shut up in the house all day, especially in the nice weather, but could a solution be reached and go from there.

lubeybooby Tue 22-May-18 16:49:13

"Sounds like the carer can't be arsed and is leaving the person in the garden for their own peace or something? "

Wow you have never had to deal with this type of situation have you? Adults, even nice old ladies can be very strong and hard to move anywhere they don't want to, even a 8 year old in full melt down can do damage.

The term carer is used to describe not only paid staff but also mums, dads, under 18's or any relative that lives with someone you can not assume that this is someone paid to do the job without more details.

24/7 365 days a year as a carer is not only extremely hard physically but mentally and can be a killer with many carers getting serious illness as a result.

Exactly what I came on to say MotherforkingShirtballs
Some people are just vile

op my first suggestion would be to become a good neighbour yourself, pop in to say welcome and find out about the family next door

Our GP asks if you are a carer, either paid or unpaid, as it puts you at risk of (amongst other things) stress-related illnesses, depression, anxiety, joint issues from moving and handling, domestic abuse, and so on.

I'm my son's carer and at times it is utterly exhausting, isolating, and demoralising as it's never ending. When he's having a bad time of it he swears, he hits, he's destructive, he says awful things with no comprehension of their impact, and I'm not in a position to say "that's it, I quit". If he's having a meltdown then I attempt to move him somewhere quieter if it is safe to do but as he gets older and bigger I find myself weighing up whether it's worth getting smacked in the face for or not and will moving him prolong the meltdown. Ditto if he's happy and peaceful doing something, if he needs to be moved on then I weigh up whether it's worth the potential meltdown if he's not actually doing anyone any harm.

I get carers allowance which works out as a whopping 41p an hour for 24/7 caring responsibilities.

GrannyGrissle as a parent of a child with sn I find your comment offensive and disgusting.

MotherforkingShirtballs.............My nephew who has a diagnosis of ASD was like this and its extremely hard many a time I would step between him and my disabled sister (his mum) to save her getting the brunt of his unintentional aggression. He's 23 now and so much better able to control his outbursts and whilst always right and never able to empathise or tolerate others mistakes is much easier to live with now. I hope you find yourself in a better place one day someone to talk to really does help.

I'd say a good opportunity to really help your children grow up as accepting, tolerant young adults. There are far too many people with additional needs who feel a need to hide away dude to fear of judgement.

My 8yo who has SEN would be able to understand that the neighbour couldn’t help their volume and language. He would just say “okay” and carry on playing.

For all the people saying the OP should just be the nice person and ignore it or teach her children tolerance etc, she can do all of that whilst not having to listen to that all day long. It doesn't matter if it's not something that can be controlled. It should not be happening outside all day as everyone has a right to enjoy their garden. That means EVERYONE. The OP and her children have a right to enjoy their garden without offensive language being shouted for hours. The neighbour has a right to enjoy her garden also. So they can come to a compromise. She could ask for an hour of quiet, they could take turns are. It's called being neighbouely - it's not about one or the other spending all day inside. It's finding a fair way forward which allows children time to play in a nice environment and also allows the lady time to sit outside.
Disabilities do not trump a child's right to feel safe and comfortable, and the children do not trump the disabled. It's about give and take. OP should not just have the put up with it.

I’ve reported this thread to HQ. I’m not altogether convinced that someone would comeback to AIBU with what they freely admit is a sensitive issue about SN. Hope I’m wrong and it was just a thoughtless decision to post here.

How loud is it? Could you play music in the garden to reduce the impact of it? It might not drown it out completely but may make it a lot less noticeable and easier to tolerate/ignore?

I'd also talk to the carer. Ask if there is any kind of schedule as to when this person is looked after, so at least you can plan ahead as to when you will have a quiet day in the garden, and when you won't.

What an awful situation to be in .Have briefly worked with special needs we ALWAYS made sure neighbours were aware of the situation and told them to feel free to come with any problems .Like anything else in life communication and compromise could be the answer .The career should be aware and it would be basic manners to come round an explain the situation you don't sound unreasonable at all.

jannier

I have not once said she should be locked up or the carer but I stand by what I said, when she is outside shouting and swearing and scaring the ops kids she should be removed from the garden.

I have worked in care homes for elderly mentally ill I know how hard it is but that does not change my opinion that the op and her children should not have to put up with that whilst in their own home.

The OP's rights do not trump the neighbour's. She has the same rights to be in her garden, so suggesting she should be removed is a non starter.

She has a right to be in the garden but not to prevent the OP's legal right to "quiet enjoyment" of her property, whether as a tenant or an owner.

OP your children will see many different kinds of people as they grow up and through adulthood.

I would use this as a great start to teach them about people with disabilities and mental health issues.

I like how a poster above said finding out the ladies name and saying how ‘Sarah is having a bad day, hope she feels better soon’ etc will help make it less of a massive issue when the swearing starts.

This can help to normalise differences to your DC, I understand it must be really hard but it can be a positive for your DC. Children are resilient they will soon get used to it and become more accepting to people that behave differently to them if handled well by you.

Honestly MN is like a parallel world sometimes, where on earth do people live where this would just be accepted and young children are told to get used to the shouty sweary woman who is frightening them.

What do you think should be done to resolve the issue? Have her shut in an institution? Have her sedated to keep her docile?

It very much sounds as though sweary, shouty woman has some sort of disability that makes it impossible for her to control her sweary, shouty inclinations. Despite that, she has as much right to live out in the community as the rest of us.

I suggest you reassure your children that, while what they hear may be distressing, no malice is meant by it and the woman has something wrong with her that means she can't help it. It's a great opportunity to teach them about compassion and understanding.

“So a person with a disability should be shut up in the house 24/7 because other NT people don’t want to do something that is perfectly within their power to do? (ignore it- accept it isn’t about them or directed at them or deliberate)“

So a young child should be terrified in their own home and afraid to go out because they are terrified of another adult? That adult’s needs for a bit of sunshine trumps everyone else’s? Because it won’t be just the OP that’s upset.

What do you think should be done to resolve the issue? Have her shut in an institution? Have her sedated to keep her docile?

I don't think either of those but she should be removed from the garden and took indoors when she starts shouting swearing and scaring young children.

You think it’s easier or harder than stopping the shouting and swearing for the shouter and swearer?

I didn't say that. If you are going to argue, then argue on the point raised. Don't try and counter with a different argument.

So a young child should be terrified in their own home and afraid to go out because they are terrified of another adult?

Absolutely not! Their parents should be reassuring the child that the thing that scares them is nothing to be afraid of. Just like they do with other loud noises like trucks whizzing past or fireworks or barking dogs.