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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my ex is an absolute prick

226 replies

ExFury · 13/02/2018 11:31

I've NC'd for this in case anyone linked to my ex sees it, I don't want them to know my usual name.

I have two teenage DD's with ex. They've had an up and down relationship with him over the years. He goes through stages of being super attentive and then hardly seeing them for months. Things settled quite a bit when he got married 4 years ago. He moved 4 hours away, but he wanted the girls every other weekend and has been pretty regular at taking them. They get on well with their step-brother (similar age) and they now have a young half-brother who they adore.

His wife isn't the most welcoming to them, but she's not awful. She refuses to be an "unpaid babysitter" when ex is on call (he does 1 weekend every 12 weeks) so despite the fact he's been called out once in the last 3 years contact has to be cancelled on his on-call weekends. She spends every Christmas with her parents and won't "impose" the girls on them so they don't ever get to spend Christmas with them (this suits me, but the girls would like to spend 1 Christmas with their brothers). When they are there she's nice to them, she's just not particularly interested in them.

Last summer DH and I wanted to take the girls to Australia for a holiday. I asked if we could take them for 3 weeks and he said a straight no. So I tried to juggle round days, but with flights and the likes we decided to wait as messing with his contact weekend just wasn't worth the hassle. The girls were having a particularly good time with him and their new baby brother we felt it wasn't worth any arguments so we just went away for two weeks.

The girls were told by their step-brother at the weekend that they are all going to Australia on holiday next year. The girls were as hyper as anything and came home full of talk about it. The eldest even wondered if DH and I could go on holiday before or after that so they could get 4 weeks in Aus.

Got a text this morning from ex. He is going to Australia. His wife is going. His son and step-son are going. Unfortunately they are going when the girls are sitting their exams as it's the only time that fits in with his family (charming turn of phrase there) so unless I'm prepared to let them miss their standard grades and highers they won't be going with. Apparently he's sorry for the confusion. So, I get to tell them tonight (he won't tell them on the phone and I can't see them excited for over a week). Fucking prick.

OP posts:
ohreallyohreallyoh · 13/02/2018 11:33

Wanker

DeadGood · 13/02/2018 11:34

I would get your ex on the phone and hand it to your children. No way would I be breaking that news.

YANBU at all.

Snowydaysarehere · 13/02/2018 11:37

So you tell him from now on your holidays will be for however long is suitable for you and your family. And he can fuck off.
His dw sounds atrocious towards your dd's-and he is a spineless twunt for allowing it.

pinkbraces · 13/02/2018 11:39

What a monumental twat.

Why dont you now book your three week holiday so the girls can have something to be excited about..

By the way, I dont think his wife is nice to your girls, she is a cow. How dare she make them feel second best and your ex is a fucking wimp not to stand up to her. I would let him have it with both barrels.

Kit2015 · 13/02/2018 11:39

Yes, complete and utter dick. Your poor daughter's.

YesItsADebate · 13/02/2018 11:40

Oh no, how sad for your DDs Sad They’re still going with you and your DH though, so perhaps focus on that. They’ll work out their dad’s let them down without you highlighting it.

FizzyGreenWater · 13/02/2018 11:40

Total shitscrape.

Support them in lessening contact if they want to. They're only going to end up more and more hurt.

And he's married a cow, it's no excuse really as he should have more balls but it's perfectly clear that she is on board with cutting them out as much as she can get away with.

They should ask him how come her son is 'family' if they aren't? Same degree of relationship...

Enjoy your three week plus holiday next year. As teenagers, they're perfectly within their rights to tell him to fuck off with his contact weekends as they're going on holiday with their family.

SillyLittleBiscuit · 13/02/2018 11:41

Dad and stepmum sound like arseholes. He really needs to be the one to tell them the plan.

Original poster
ExFury · 13/02/2018 11:42

Tbh I don't think holidays will be an issue now, I don't see either of the girls forgiving this. There's no way that both of them somehow missed 3 excited teens discussing this on Sunday before the girls came home.

When I said she's nice to them I meant when they are there. I have my own opinions about her and her general manner to them. If I let my DH be as uninterested and uninvolved in them I'd get (rightly) slated for it. If you don't want to be a step-parent don't marry someone with children.

OP posts:
donners312 · 13/02/2018 11:43

What a pair of bastards!!

On loads of levels!

Well I would break it to them keep it neutral and then maybe go out to cinema/dinner. It will be the first of many disappointments and hopefully they will realize sooner than later what sort of "dad" they have!

Original poster
ExFury · 13/02/2018 11:46

I don't have any choice about telling them. He won't. He stalled for four months on telling them that he was moving away.

They were already very hurt at Christmas (the baby's first Christmas) when their contact was cancelled as ex "couldn't" drive them home Christmas Eve as they'd be driving to her parents house.

My eldest especially is very aware that she and her sister are second fiddle to his new family. It's been highlighted since DH and I met as he's so different to their step mother, and I'm very different to her with DH's DD.

OP posts:
mumgointhroughtorture · 13/02/2018 11:47

So he cancels 1 weekend because his "d"w won't have his teenagers (it's not like she's gonna be expected to change nappies !) Yet he refused to let you take them away for 3 weeks coz of his contact weekend ...
It seems like this woman is calling the shots in both of your families .
This changes everything , your poor kids ! Make him tell them and then you book your 3 week holiday . What a complete arse !

RedHelenB · 13/02/2018 11:48

But they have been to Australia with you?

Original poster
ExFury · 13/02/2018 11:51

RedHelenB They haven't. He wouldn't let me take them for 3 weeks, or for any time that would interfere with his weekend. With flights and the likes we couldn't work it into the 2 week window we had.

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 13/02/2018 11:52

Yes did you make it to Oz last year or did you go somewhere closer because of the weeks ? why not try booking yourself for this year?

I would still phone him tonight and make him tell them.

Sparkletastic · 13/02/2018 11:53

Your ex is a pathetic excuse for a father. Can you soften blow by planning special holiday for them with DH and his DD? Don't make excuses for ex - he doesn't deserve it. I can only hope that one day he realised what a selfish twat he's been.

Stormwhale · 13/02/2018 11:56

What a complete thunder cunt. Ok you can only take comfort in the fact that your girls will see (and clearly already are) that you a by far a superior, more loving parent than he is. Hopefully that will be enough to show it is him, not them that is the problem. I would remind them that there is nothing wrong with them, that he was making poor choices. They are wonderful and it is him that is missing out. Your poor girls.

Original poster
ExFury · 13/02/2018 11:57

We went to Spain for 10 days. We couldn't do 2 full weeks because they arrived back Sunday night and he collected them Friday.

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 13/02/2018 12:01

I would make him tell them - what an arse. Can you get a specific issue order to take them to Australia yourself? It would mean some paperwork but I can't imagine it would possibly be turned down if you were to show you've offered alternative arrangements to make up for the weekend that he'll miss.

Oswin · 13/02/2018 12:01

Oh what a pair of selfish bastards. Your poor girls.

Snowydaysarehere · 13/02/2018 12:04

I bet your girls will be telling him exactly what to do with his nitpicking of their holiday plans with you - he has no idea how stuff like this will effect his relationship long term with them . Make them face time him and ask about the holiday.

Qvar · 13/02/2018 12:06

That would be the absolute end of my compliance around his weekends. I would be booking my holidays however it was convenient FOR ME. Fuck him right up the shitpipe.

I would be so angry!

And he should tell them himself. HE should be the one to handle their emotions about this.

Leiaorganashair · 13/02/2018 12:06

He sounds like my ex in 10 years time. My DD has not seen her dad since her new half sibling was born because he and his new partner can't handle having one more child right now apparently. Hmm

He needs to tell them himself. Don't do his dirty work for him. Let him grovel.

IdaDown · 13/02/2018 12:06

Don’t do your xH’s dirty work. His decision, his responsibility to tell them.

If it were me, i’d email him exactly what I thought of him and his decision / treatment of DDs. No misunderstandings there.

Are you in touch with your xMiL? I’d be telling her to. Why? Just so everyone knows what a f**cking cunty face your x (her son) is.

PoorYorick · 13/02/2018 12:11

His wife IS awful. She won't accept that he comes as a package with his daughters, and if she wants a relationship with him she can't cut them out when it inconveniences her.

But he's just as awful, in fact worse, because he also doesn't see them as part of the package that is him...and they are HIS KIDS.

I feel so sorry for them. This is the kind of thing that people remember as adults and it still hurts. But I'd bet my house that he and his wife will have all sorts of reasons as to why they don't have any responsibility for the children in their relationship.