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Original poster

To think my ex is an absolute prick

226 replies

ExFury · 13/02/2018 11:31

I've NC'd for this in case anyone linked to my ex sees it, I don't want them to know my usual name.

I have two teenage DD's with ex. They've had an up and down relationship with him over the years. He goes through stages of being super attentive and then hardly seeing them for months. Things settled quite a bit when he got married 4 years ago. He moved 4 hours away, but he wanted the girls every other weekend and has been pretty regular at taking them. They get on well with their step-brother (similar age) and they now have a young half-brother who they adore.

His wife isn't the most welcoming to them, but she's not awful. She refuses to be an "unpaid babysitter" when ex is on call (he does 1 weekend every 12 weeks) so despite the fact he's been called out once in the last 3 years contact has to be cancelled on his on-call weekends. She spends every Christmas with her parents and won't "impose" the girls on them so they don't ever get to spend Christmas with them (this suits me, but the girls would like to spend 1 Christmas with their brothers). When they are there she's nice to them, she's just not particularly interested in them.

Last summer DH and I wanted to take the girls to Australia for a holiday. I asked if we could take them for 3 weeks and he said a straight no. So I tried to juggle round days, but with flights and the likes we decided to wait as messing with his contact weekend just wasn't worth the hassle. The girls were having a particularly good time with him and their new baby brother we felt it wasn't worth any arguments so we just went away for two weeks.

The girls were told by their step-brother at the weekend that they are all going to Australia on holiday next year. The girls were as hyper as anything and came home full of talk about it. The eldest even wondered if DH and I could go on holiday before or after that so they could get 4 weeks in Aus.

Got a text this morning from ex. He is going to Australia. His wife is going. His son and step-son are going. Unfortunately they are going when the girls are sitting their exams as it's the only time that fits in with his family (charming turn of phrase there) so unless I'm prepared to let them miss their standard grades and highers they won't be going with. Apparently he's sorry for the confusion. So, I get to tell them tonight (he won't tell them on the phone and I can't see them excited for over a week). Fucking prick.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExFury · 14/02/2018 13:50

So he is paying CMS MINIMUM maintenance and his wife thinks thats too much?

It's 3 times the amount her ex pays apparently. Like that's remotely relevant.

Also "I" should need less because I've got my DH now. And of course no doubt I got zillions more than him in the divorce.

Urgh. I'm so angry.

My heart goes out to your girls, its worrying how much they already knew.

This is my biggest annoyance. How dare they expose them to shit like that. They're just kids. Teenagers yes, but no need for them to know adult business - or certainly no need to know gripes about it.

When is he due to see them again, do you expect it will happen?

Friday week he's due to collect them. I doubt it. I think he'll disappear for a while.

OP posts:
CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 14/02/2018 13:53

Your girls sound like they’ve got their heads screwed on right though. It’ll be hard but they’ll be fine. They are lucky to have you.

Ellie56 · 14/02/2018 14:13

What a complete knob he is. Angry

billybagpuss · 14/02/2018 14:41

Wow, Do you think he just not turn up or will your girls at least get the courtesy of a phone call first? Unbelievable way to treat people. I hope they're both ok, especially the younger one who sounds like she's still under the illusion that he could be an ok guy.

Jux · 14/02/2018 16:42

Cowardly bastard. Revolting individual.

I'm so sorry for your girls Flowers
I'm also sorry for their brothers. How horrible for them too.

Jux · 14/02/2018 16:46

Can you write down the whole, all the details, including everything you've now discovered about how they are happy to talk about maintenance etc in front of the girls.

If you find that he tries to make trouble, those notes will be very helpful.

They are vile the pair of them. Thank goodness the girls have you and your dh as an example of how decent people behaving.

TwilightRiver · 14/02/2018 17:09

Your poor girls :( are they going to try phoning him again tonight ?

RandomMess · 14/02/2018 17:16

Well a small glimmer of justice will be the maintenance increasing if the contact reduces for either or both of them...

Your Ex is the nasty piece of work in this tbh flakey and utterly spineless!

Original poster
ExFury · 14/02/2018 17:49

Well a small glimmer of justice will be the maintenance increasing if the contact reduces for either or both of them...

It won't go up. Rather amusingly (now, at the time I was v.pissed off) when the baby was born and they spoke to CMS about the reduction for him they also told the nice man on the phone exactly how many nights they had the girls for. So the reduction for overnights was removed.

Her ex gets a reduction for overnights because he has his kids every other weekend religiously, and extra in the holidays. He doesn't cancel every time he's on call, or for Christmas/New Year, or for weddings etc, so he gets the reduction. They dobbed themselves in and don't.

Girls have tried to phone several times today and still haven't been able to talk to him. They both believe he's actively avoiding them as his job means he always has his phone.

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 14/02/2018 17:59

I don't ever normally call people but he is vile doing this to his children.

Rainbowqueeen · 14/02/2018 18:02

And they would be right. He's an absolute coward and their relationship will never be the same after this. Awful behaviour.

You sound more than capable of picking up the pieces and supporting your girls through this but wouldn't it be nice if you didn't have to

As an aside I wonder what their stepbrother thinks of all this. Sounds like he views them as family even if your ex doesnt

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 14/02/2018 18:08

My God, after all of this he is actively ignoring his own children’s calls? What an absolute bastard. I’m shocked at how callous he is.

caringdenise009 · 14/02/2018 18:17

ExFury although his behaviour is disgusting, in a way it's good that your daughter s now know that they absolutely cannot rely on him.

My ex was the same, and ended up NC throughout teenage years, until our child got in touch with him. Ex put up his fantasy front at first and our son was really impressed by the big house, cars and fabulous belongings he had amassed through all the years he did not pay one penny in child support. I was worried at the time because I knew the facade would slip and he would end up hurt and disappointed. It took less than a year of about 5 instances of contact for my son to see him as a selfish alcoholic waster. Even after the first visit he commented that his dad"certainly likes the best things......for himself".

I feel for you and your family, but at least they have you to give them love and stability.

MistyMinge · 14/02/2018 18:49

Your poor girls. What a cunt he is. Ultimately he will miss out. They will lose all respect for him and want to see him less.

They definitely planned the timing if the trip so they had an excuse not to take them.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 14/02/2018 22:36

I'd be tempted to call from a number he wouldnt recognised. See if the cunt would dare hang up on his own kids.

Ellie56 · 14/02/2018 22:43

Yes do what TaliZorahVasNormandy suggests.

AlbaChick · 15/02/2018 01:46

Absolutely disgusting behaviour for a father. My ex husband did the same. Despite my efforts, refused contact and excluded from every family event. Went on to marry OW and have 3 more girls. Money and possessions definitely the love of his life. My DC know very little of their fathers side. How any man can treat their children as disposable defies belief. Your lovely daughters will come through this because they have such an amazing mum and SD. Any man can be a father but not every man can be a dad.

billybagpuss · 15/02/2018 07:19

Your eldest should text 'are you seriously too spineless to talk to us?'

Did you have a good night last night discussing next years holiday? x

YellowMakesMeSmile · 15/02/2018 07:36

Your ex is a selfish idiot and your daughters deserve better.

However, there on lots of pasts posts on MN that would support us decision as they have already had a holiday with you.

If you don't want a life with step children marry someone single with no chidren, it's very simple. There are so many selfish parents who out their sex life and need for a partner over their existing children.

Original poster
ExFury · 15/02/2018 10:53

However, there on lots of pasts posts on MN that would support us decision as they have already had a holiday with you.

It would be a rather short-sighted person that compared 10 days in Spain with a 3 week trip to Australia. Because thanks to ex thats what my girls got, whereas his step-son and youngest son are getting the Aus trip...

We didn't discuss the holiday last night in the end. we ended up talking about their Dad and their feelings about it all. Eldest text her father with some choice opinions and he text her back basically telling her off so she told him to fuck off. I've had a big long text from him about the unfairness of things, how it wasn't his fault blah blah blah. Usual bollocks. Told him to take 10 minutes to call his children, but he hasn't.

They've been in contact with their step-brother and the poor lad got it in the neck for telling them (although he's adamant he wasn't told not too and he just assumed that the family holiday included the girls).

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 15/02/2018 11:20

And that's it right there: their brother got it in the neck for telling them about the family holiday because they were never, ever going to be invited for it

It was never about the tests. It was about scheduling it for a time they knew the girls couldn't go so he wouldn't have to pay to take them on holiday. While scuppering their holiday with you.

Absolute prick.

Original poster
ExFury · 15/02/2018 12:25

Exactly @BewareOfDragons

I have a theory why it's been done as it has. I won't ever be able to prove it, but I believe it's all going to boil down to "wife is paying for it".

Even though when DD asked him to contribute to a school trip he had to discuss it with wife because "it's not my money, it's our money".

OP posts:
LanaorAna2 · 15/02/2018 13:51

SM begrudges the maintenance as it is. The last thing she's going to do is take your DDs (they're not her DSC, in her eyes) on an expensive holiday. And she's in charge.

If you think that's the case, ex needs to tell the DDs. It doesn't make the whole sorry saga ok, but it might make them feel a bit less second best.

Ellie56 · 15/02/2018 13:52

They've been in contact with their step-brother and the poor lad got it in the neck for telling them (although he's adamant he wasn't told not too and he just assumed that the family holiday included the girls).

So their step brother views them as family even if their own father doesn't. Hmm He is worth 10 of knobhead Ex and bitch wifey.

I hope the girls keep their relationship with Step bro. He sounds lovely.

CherryMaDeary · 15/02/2018 13:57

Sounds like he's a high earner. Yet his wife is going to pay for it all. Bullshit.