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Original poster

To think my ex is an absolute prick

226 replies

ExFury · 13/02/2018 11:31

I've NC'd for this in case anyone linked to my ex sees it, I don't want them to know my usual name.

I have two teenage DD's with ex. They've had an up and down relationship with him over the years. He goes through stages of being super attentive and then hardly seeing them for months. Things settled quite a bit when he got married 4 years ago. He moved 4 hours away, but he wanted the girls every other weekend and has been pretty regular at taking them. They get on well with their step-brother (similar age) and they now have a young half-brother who they adore.

His wife isn't the most welcoming to them, but she's not awful. She refuses to be an "unpaid babysitter" when ex is on call (he does 1 weekend every 12 weeks) so despite the fact he's been called out once in the last 3 years contact has to be cancelled on his on-call weekends. She spends every Christmas with her parents and won't "impose" the girls on them so they don't ever get to spend Christmas with them (this suits me, but the girls would like to spend 1 Christmas with their brothers). When they are there she's nice to them, she's just not particularly interested in them.

Last summer DH and I wanted to take the girls to Australia for a holiday. I asked if we could take them for 3 weeks and he said a straight no. So I tried to juggle round days, but with flights and the likes we decided to wait as messing with his contact weekend just wasn't worth the hassle. The girls were having a particularly good time with him and their new baby brother we felt it wasn't worth any arguments so we just went away for two weeks.

The girls were told by their step-brother at the weekend that they are all going to Australia on holiday next year. The girls were as hyper as anything and came home full of talk about it. The eldest even wondered if DH and I could go on holiday before or after that so they could get 4 weeks in Aus.

Got a text this morning from ex. He is going to Australia. His wife is going. His son and step-son are going. Unfortunately they are going when the girls are sitting their exams as it's the only time that fits in with his family (charming turn of phrase there) so unless I'm prepared to let them miss their standard grades and highers they won't be going with. Apparently he's sorry for the confusion. So, I get to tell them tonight (he won't tell them on the phone and I can't see them excited for over a week). Fucking prick.

OP posts:
biscuitmillionaire · 13/02/2018 12:12

He's a coward, and cruel too.

If your DDs are teenagers, then he can't enforce any contact, it's up to them to decide when/if they want to see him. So from now on you can take any length of holiday you choose.

IdaDown · 13/02/2018 12:12

Oh, and you’re going to look like bad cop by

  • telling DDs they can’t go (exam clash)

When it’s been your xH whose chosen the date and got the DDs hopes up by telling them first. = good cop!

HeebieJeebies456 · 13/02/2018 12:13

He's showing you all exactly what kind of person he is - entitled and selfish with no real concern for his dd's............so in future don't allow his feelings to dictate how long you take your dd's away on holiday for.

Leiaorganashair · 13/02/2018 12:14

I would get them to call him and ask him about Australia. Put him on the spot. He doesn't get to cop out like this.

BewareOfDragons · 13/02/2018 12:15

He's a selfish arse, and your DDs will see him for what he truly is.

Nifflerbowtruckle · 13/02/2018 12:20

If the step brother is a similar age does he not have exams? It wouldn't surprise me if they are lying about the dates a little so the girls definitely will have exams and 'won't' be able to go.

CherryMaDeary · 13/02/2018 12:20

Why are you working around his contact weekends when he saw nothing wrong with going AWOL for months? (I suspect I know the answer - you do it for your girls because you're a good parent).

I would stop pandering to him from now on and do what is best for your family.

CherryMaDeary · 13/02/2018 12:21

Yes, I also suspect he doesn't want to stump up for their flights/hotel/meals.

Does he take them on holiday?

FizzyGreenWater · 13/02/2018 12:22

Oh no you don't look like bad cop. That doesn't happen.

They've chosen that time knowing that the girls can't go - it's as simple as that. You wouldn't be able to let them miss their exams. THEY have chosen a time that they can go but the girls can't.

Don't be afraid of saying that, and of showing your anger - at the hypocrisy too, that he made them miss their Australia trip as he didn't want to miss a contact but when it's in reverse - he's happy to go and have THEM miss out on contact. They're teenagers - they're going to know the score so validate their feelings, support them. If they want to be angry let them and let them know you think they are right.

There comes a time when trying to shield them from the reality of a situation turns into downplaying their honest feelings and reactions. It sounds like your eldest at least is going to suss out what's gone on here perfectly well, if she says words to that effect it's fine to say, yup, actually I agree. They're acting absolutely awfully towards you.

Book your holiday now and don't even bother telling him until you inform him that the girls won't be at his for x weekend. Then when he kicks off, just reply : 'two words - fuck, and off.'

That's if they're still bothering to visit at all by then.

To him? Just leave him. Tell them in as supportive a way as you can. If they want to phone him and speak to him, let them. He'll probably avoid it. And when you have to speak to him next, just say - 'there's really nothing I have to say to you any more. You're busy making your bed, I just hope to god you don't forget that you're going to have to lie in it one day. Don't expect my support any more if they don't want to see you, by the way. I no longer believe that it's necessarily in their best interests, so you deal with that yourself.'

Original poster
ExFury · 13/02/2018 12:23

Oh, and you’re going to look like bad cop by telling DDs they can’t go (exam clash)

And this is probably why I have to be the one to talk to them about it.

If I make him do it he'll make out that he planned to take them, but I've said no.

XMIL won't have any impact on him. She doesn't get on with his wife at all so ex has very little to do with her. She sees the girls here rather than with him.

OP posts:
ButchyRestingFace · 13/02/2018 12:24

so unless I'm prepared to let them miss their standard grades and highers they won't be going with.

Where do you live that Standard Grades are still on the curriculum?

Anyway, he sounds like a tosser. Can't see a way in which he can spin this to your daughters that doesn't result him in looking like a bell end.

NavyGold · 13/02/2018 12:24

They both sounds absolutely fucking horrendous.

Considering your girls are teenagers, I hope he knows it won't be long before the dynamics of his relationship with them is damaged beyond repair is he's prepared to pull stunts like this AND allow his wife to treat them like second class citizens in their own bloody family.

Original poster
ExFury · 13/02/2018 12:26

Niffler their step brother has exams this year and then in 2 years. He's in the middle of my two.

Cherry I didn't want to rock the boat for them when we were planning Australia. Things were good between them all (after a lot of work) and I didn't want to damage that in any way.

He's never taken them on holiday, but he's never been on holiday. His wife and their step-brother have been away with her parents a few times, but this has never been an issue before.

OP posts:
Angrybird345 · 13/02/2018 12:27

If your girls are teenagers, how can he have a say in when he sees them, which disrupts your holiday plans but he can bugger off for 4 weeks?

fluffyrobin · 13/02/2018 12:27

I would never have believed people could be so utterly psychologically abusive and damaging to dc were it not for MN threads like this.

Op you do NOT tell them the bad news at all ever.

You instead encourage them to have open communication with their dad and their step mum.

if your dd's welfare and happiness is important to you why do you not make sure your holidays fall exactly within your contact time???

Why couldn't you have made sure your Oz trip was between those dates and if not possible why not wait to take such a trip until the girls are older and have more say about contact?

I really hope you start saving up for another trip so that they can go too!

Angrybird345 · 13/02/2018 12:28

Otherwise, what a pair of absolutes bastards your ex and the stepmom are. Unforgivable.

FizzyGreenWater · 13/02/2018 12:28

If I make him do it he'll make out that he planned to take them, but I've said no.

Don't let shit like that even get started.

No, tell them exactly what HE said, that these dates when they are going to have exams are the only dates that 'work' for them. So, their decision not to work around the exams - the dates when the girls are not available are the dates they've chosen.

'I am really upset that your Dad has CHOSEN these dates and angry that he didn't speak to you about it when you were at his house.'

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 13/02/2018 12:29

What an utter bastard.

He absolutely needs to tell them himself. I know you say he wont but he bloody well has to, its not fair on you to have to break the news to them and like you said he and his wife can hardly have failed to notice three excited teenagers discussing the holiday of a life time.

When is he due to see them next? Have you replied to him? I know its painful seeing them excited for a week but he really should be the one to tell them.

PoorYorick · 13/02/2018 12:29

I agree with @FizzyGreenWater (as usual). You won't look like the bad cop. I don't see how you can; you're the messenger and they're definitely old enough to understand who created this situation and who simply has to tell them about it.

Original poster
ExFury · 13/02/2018 12:31

Where do you live that Standard Grades are still on the curriculum?

sorry, I meant N's. To me they were standard Grades (back in the old days according to my DDs!)

OP posts:
Dipitydoda · 13/02/2018 12:32

Book a 3 week holiday to aus for you and your girls. He can whistle if it doesn’t suit him

Jux · 13/02/2018 12:33

Please get him on the phone and hand it to them or Skype or something, with "ex has something to tell you both about Australia". He's an utter shit. I hope those girls reject him utterly, poor things.

Original poster
ExFury · 13/02/2018 12:34

if your dd's welfare and happiness is important to you why do you not make sure your holidays fall exactly within your contact time???

Why couldn't you have made sure your Oz trip was between those dates and if not possible why not wait to take such a trip until the girls are older and have more say about contact?

If you read what I wrote you'll see that's exactly what I did do.

We thought about going. We asked ex - note this was ALL between adults, the kids weren't involved - and he said no. We looked into going in the

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 13/02/2018 12:34

If he would tell them it’s your fault is just tell them the truth and say on he bright side we can book the trip to Australia we weren’t able to last year! Do you two want to choose some dates and we start looking at flights? And they just don’t go to his that weekend. They are old enough that I wouldn’t bother with any negotiating, just they aren’t turning up as they will be on their long awaited trip to Australia.

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 13/02/2018 12:34

That's an awful thing for your ex to do to them- I imagine he just didn't have the balls to tell them to thier face. And why is he being so inflexible about weekends? Surely it's give and take in these things.

However I am with the stepmom on the weekends he works.