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Original poster

To think my ex is an absolute prick

226 replies

ExFury · 13/02/2018 11:31

I've NC'd for this in case anyone linked to my ex sees it, I don't want them to know my usual name.

I have two teenage DD's with ex. They've had an up and down relationship with him over the years. He goes through stages of being super attentive and then hardly seeing them for months. Things settled quite a bit when he got married 4 years ago. He moved 4 hours away, but he wanted the girls every other weekend and has been pretty regular at taking them. They get on well with their step-brother (similar age) and they now have a young half-brother who they adore.

His wife isn't the most welcoming to them, but she's not awful. She refuses to be an "unpaid babysitter" when ex is on call (he does 1 weekend every 12 weeks) so despite the fact he's been called out once in the last 3 years contact has to be cancelled on his on-call weekends. She spends every Christmas with her parents and won't "impose" the girls on them so they don't ever get to spend Christmas with them (this suits me, but the girls would like to spend 1 Christmas with their brothers). When they are there she's nice to them, she's just not particularly interested in them.

Last summer DH and I wanted to take the girls to Australia for a holiday. I asked if we could take them for 3 weeks and he said a straight no. So I tried to juggle round days, but with flights and the likes we decided to wait as messing with his contact weekend just wasn't worth the hassle. The girls were having a particularly good time with him and their new baby brother we felt it wasn't worth any arguments so we just went away for two weeks.

The girls were told by their step-brother at the weekend that they are all going to Australia on holiday next year. The girls were as hyper as anything and came home full of talk about it. The eldest even wondered if DH and I could go on holiday before or after that so they could get 4 weeks in Aus.

Got a text this morning from ex. He is going to Australia. His wife is going. His son and step-son are going. Unfortunately they are going when the girls are sitting their exams as it's the only time that fits in with his family (charming turn of phrase there) so unless I'm prepared to let them miss their standard grades and highers they won't be going with. Apparently he's sorry for the confusion. So, I get to tell them tonight (he won't tell them on the phone and I can't see them excited for over a week). Fucking prick.

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 13/02/2018 12:36

At least they are teenagers, only a few years left to go and you can tell him to stick his thoughts on your holidays. Plan for a big holiday celebration for that year!

ChikiTIKI · 13/02/2018 12:38

If I was one of your daughters I would want to hear the news from you. I would feel like my dad had tricked me and wouldn't want him to see my reaction. I wouldn't want to communicate with him or see him for a while that's for sure...

Original poster
ExFury · 13/02/2018 12:39

However I am with the stepmom on the weekends he works.

He doesn't work weekends. He's on call. He's been called out ONCE in three years, and it was a couple of hours to sort an alarm going off.

If he was working the whole weekend then I'd understand her reluctance.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 13/02/2018 12:40

At least they are teenagers, only a few years left to go and you can tell him to stick his thoughts on your holidays.

Teenagers? No, they can do that right now - tell him to bloody stick it, I mean.

They are pretty much old enough to vote with their feet, certainly the eldest is at ?14-15.

sotired2 · 13/02/2018 12:42

He needs to man up both for your dc and his new wife.

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 13/02/2018 12:43

Oh sorry @ExFury I missed that bit Blush

Yea, she's a dick (coming from the stepmother of teenagers!)

LanaorAna2 · 13/02/2018 12:46

ex is the one to tell them - non-negotiable, that. If he lies (he will) tell DDs the truth calmly and let them hear you assure him you'd be delighted for them to go. It's highly unlikely he's going to change his plans ie fork out for them - they'll get the idea.

At some stage, it will harm rather than help your DDs if you don't stay truthful. They're teenagers now. Far better to air the shit as calmly as you can than fudge it or cover for ex and confuse them even more - damage could be worse.

Bettyswitch · 13/02/2018 12:50

He sounds like a spineless cunt.
I personally would stop being so accommodating regarding contact from here on in, seeing as he can be bothered to take his own kids on 'his family' holiday.
Its sad that your girls will be missing out on a extra weeks holiday with youself, for a weekend with people who obviously dont think of them as even being part of their family.

Flappyears · 13/02/2018 13:00

Is there any chance you can do Australia this summer or is it too late to book? I’d certainly be planning some treats for your daughters and I’d tell him in no uncertain terms that it’s up to him to make it up to them.

I would also not be at all accommodating with him wrt contact days etc. Why does he get to call all the shots (or from the sound of it, his wife, although he shouldn’t be so spineless!).

I’d also take the opportunity to thank your dh for being such a good SD. I know it’s the least you can expect but it’s nice to be acknowledged. Bet you’re glad you’re no longer married to the -arse- ex.

billybagpuss · 13/02/2018 13:06

good luck when do you plan to tell them :(

abbey44 · 13/02/2018 13:10

So he's adamant about having 'his' contact weekends when it suits him (and when it scuppers your plans) but he's happy to forego them if he's planned something else...? What an arse.

Book your holiday to Australia and tell him to get over it. He really doesn't have a leg to stand on after pulling a stunt like that, and I hope your DDs see him for what he really is.

FizzyGreenWater · 13/02/2018 13:16

Try telling him that his daughters aren't willing to lose out on their contact weekend either - so, just as it was in reverse, sadly if his holiday falls over an access weekend then he isn't going to be able to go Grin

NotAChristmasCakePop · 13/02/2018 13:21

all my sympathy

I had to tell my DD her GP had passed away and then a few days later that her dad had flown overseas without bothering to see her to say goodbye. His side BTW and he had her for contact when he got the news, but chose to leave it to me!

timeisnotaline · 13/02/2018 13:48

I love the idea of telling him to make alternative arrangements for them that contact weekend.

Original poster
ExFury · 13/02/2018 14:36

Is there any chance you can do Australia this summer or is it too late to book?

Annoyingly we have a cheap 10 days away already booked.

I'm looking at holidays for next year though.

I'm absolutely livid with him. The more I think about it the more "this is the only time that fits in with my family and their committments" the more fucking angry I'm getting.

I've sent him a message telling him to call the girls at 6pm tonight to explain, and also pointing out that I think it's going to be very upsetting for them to be excluded, that he was bang out of order not correcting them on Sunday and for not explaining it to them before their step-brother knew about it and also pointed out that it's very hypocritical for him to be going away for over 2 weeks without them and missing contact when he wouldn't allow them a holiday. He won't call them, it'll probably be weeks before they hear from him if past experience is anything to go on, but at least I can always show the girls that I've done the right thing.

OP posts:
mickeysminnie · 13/02/2018 14:36

I would tect him back that as it is such a wonderful opportunity that you will consider letting them go. See what excuse he comes back with.

RandomMess · 13/02/2018 14:58

What hideous and unnecessary behaviour!!

RandomMess · 13/02/2018 15:00

Is it court ordered contact? Because if it wasn't no way would I accommodate his weekend over a family trip ever again AngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngry

Iloveacurry · 13/02/2018 15:03

Your poor girls. Book what you want next year and tell him ‘this is the only time that fits with my family, etc’!!

SometimesMaybe · 13/02/2018 15:05

Honestly I would book Oz (or somewhere equally as awesome) for you guys in Summer 2019 - he won’t be able to stop you (morally or legally) after this. And the girls will be old enough to decide how they want to spend their contact time and if they want to see him or have a longer holiday with you.
What a total scumbag.

Ellie56 · 13/02/2018 15:11

it's the only time that fits in with his family

How is it his step son is part of "his family" but his own biological daughters are not? What he really means is this is what fits round his wife and her family. Just as Christmas arrangements fit round her and her family. She is just trying to airbrush them out and he goes along with it.

She is a manipulating bitch and Ex is a spineless twat. Your daughters deserve better.

butterfly56 · 13/02/2018 15:28

He is such a scumbag that he had his DDs' believe they were going to Australia and didn't bother to tell them they weren't?!
He is a nasty piece of work(as is his wife).
He is emotionally abusive and using passive aggression to manipulate his children to get to you and they are bearing the brunt of his behaviour.
They are going to feel so bad about themselves by the time he has finished making them feel worthless.
You need to stand up to him and stop being manipulated by him as you are going to bear the brunt of the fallout from all his nasty behaviour.

Iluvthe80s · 13/02/2018 15:34

He sounds like a selfish twat!
Make him tell them. He's the one who has let them down not you! He can explain it to them himself!

pmac62 · 13/02/2018 15:40

I can image their step brothers school are not going to be impressed either!
Yeh he should tell the girls, but if you tell them at least you can control the information, so at least you know they have been told the truth.
It is a lousy thing to do. Every Scottish kid knows that May is exam time, and this is information that the sqa have up ages in advance. They will be so disappointed but they will understand when they find out when they were meant to be going away.
Frankly your poor DDs sound like are treated like 2nd class citizens by your ex and his wife

Clutterbugsmum · 13/02/2018 15:44

Unfortunately you and your DH are going to have to tell your DD's that they are not invited as you know full well he won't contact them for weeks.

He can the turn it around on you telling them that he told YOU weeks ago and YOU should have told them. Yes they are going to be upset and angry but at least you can control the situation.

I would also let them know that now they are older/teenagers that they are no longer compelled to follow the EOW visits if they do not want to.