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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my ex is an absolute prick

226 replies

ExFury · 13/02/2018 11:31

I've NC'd for this in case anyone linked to my ex sees it, I don't want them to know my usual name.

I have two teenage DD's with ex. They've had an up and down relationship with him over the years. He goes through stages of being super attentive and then hardly seeing them for months. Things settled quite a bit when he got married 4 years ago. He moved 4 hours away, but he wanted the girls every other weekend and has been pretty regular at taking them. They get on well with their step-brother (similar age) and they now have a young half-brother who they adore.

His wife isn't the most welcoming to them, but she's not awful. She refuses to be an "unpaid babysitter" when ex is on call (he does 1 weekend every 12 weeks) so despite the fact he's been called out once in the last 3 years contact has to be cancelled on his on-call weekends. She spends every Christmas with her parents and won't "impose" the girls on them so they don't ever get to spend Christmas with them (this suits me, but the girls would like to spend 1 Christmas with their brothers). When they are there she's nice to them, she's just not particularly interested in them.

Last summer DH and I wanted to take the girls to Australia for a holiday. I asked if we could take them for 3 weeks and he said a straight no. So I tried to juggle round days, but with flights and the likes we decided to wait as messing with his contact weekend just wasn't worth the hassle. The girls were having a particularly good time with him and their new baby brother we felt it wasn't worth any arguments so we just went away for two weeks.

The girls were told by their step-brother at the weekend that they are all going to Australia on holiday next year. The girls were as hyper as anything and came home full of talk about it. The eldest even wondered if DH and I could go on holiday before or after that so they could get 4 weeks in Aus.

Got a text this morning from ex. He is going to Australia. His wife is going. His son and step-son are going. Unfortunately they are going when the girls are sitting their exams as it's the only time that fits in with his family (charming turn of phrase there) so unless I'm prepared to let them miss their standard grades and highers they won't be going with. Apparently he's sorry for the confusion. So, I get to tell them tonight (he won't tell them on the phone and I can't see them excited for over a week). Fucking prick.

OP posts:

Longdistance · 13/02/2018 15:58

What a cunt! He can bloody well tell them himself they aren’t going to Oz.

As for your trip to Oz, if they’re teenagers surely they can tell him they aren’t seeing him, seeing as he’s the father of the century 🤔

GrannyGrissle · 13/02/2018 15:59

Get this spineless excuse of a man to tell your DC. By Facetime.
I've just read the ass-hat of an ex the riot act for treating my DD not even a close second best to his DS. If it continues he will be kissing goodbye to my cooperation in him seeing her at all (I do 80% of the facilitating; At my house, 2nd 3rd 4th chances but at some point my patience will snap).
There is nothing like seeing your DC being treated as lesser than another child to make you feel murderous. I make sure our communications are all by text so DD will have a full glowing account of Ballbagface's amazing parenting.
for you OP. It stinks knowing you bred with pond life.

Thebluedog · 13/02/2018 16:08

What a complete pair of cruel bastards...

At first I thought ‘let him tell them’ but actually I’d tell them, at least you’re in control of what they hear. I’d also tell them about him not allowing you to take them to Aus this year too - stop covering for him. It’s about time they realised just what twats him and his wife are.

I’d then book you all to Aus next year and tell your ex that it’s non negotiable and if he doesn’t agree then you’ll see him in court.

Godowneasy · 13/02/2018 16:21

it's the only time that fits in with his family

As a separate issue, if I was in your shoes, I'd ask him to clarify what he meant by that. Are the girls not his family then? Is his dss now more his family? I'd also comment that it explains why he never has the girls for Christmas then, as they're not 'his family'.

What are they to him then, if they're not 'his family'???

Bastard.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 13/02/2018 16:23

As you have this from exh by text message I would show your it to your DDs. That way the news is coming from exh but you're still in control.

You could preface with "I had an upsetting message from your dad". And end with "so it looks like we need to plan our own trip now, huh?" And include your dh & dsd too.

Michelle Obama springs to mind: when they go low, we go high.

Twillow · 13/02/2018 16:28

Outrageous after preventing them from going with you and very sad for them. And I second (or fifteenth however many have said...) DON'T do his dirty work for him, let him dig his own grave even further with them, be there for them, but let them come to their own conclusions about him and step m.

BewareOfDragons · 13/02/2018 16:38

I would put the fear of financial ruin into the asshole, because he and his vile wife clearly had ZERO plans to take his DDs on holiday.

Call him (don't do it in writing) and tell him that "Great news! I've talked to the girls' school, and I had it all wrong! Their exams don't overlap with the holiday plans, and as long as the girls get on with their studying now, they can go with you! They are sooo excited! You just have to let me know if you're picking them up or if you need to me drop them off at the airport to meet you."

BewareOfDragons · 13/02/2018 16:40

That may well force him to admit he never had any intention of taking them with him. Arsehole.

RandomMess · 13/02/2018 16:45

I too think they never intended to take the DDs due to cost and planned to go away st their exam time to blame you

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 13/02/2018 16:54

God I’m so angry for you OP. Your poor daughters - and poor you. What an absolute shit your ex is.

ReturnOfTheBing · 13/02/2018 16:57

Absolute bastard

She's a cow too.

Your poor girls.

Caroelle · 13/02/2018 17:07

If you contact him and formally tell him that you want to take the children away, he has to give a good reason why he is opposing this. A good reason would be them missing weeks of school, or a really important family event such as a parent’s wedding. Offer to rearrange contact so that he gets the time missed made up in the holidays. If he refuses to give his consent, and you can document that you have acted reasonably (and he has refused to agree in the past) tell him that you are booking the holiday and the dares. Tell him you will provide him with flight numbers and hotel details. You will arrange FaceTime/what’s app/ Skype contact. Give him a week to respond and then book it. If he decides to take you to court, no judge is going to stop a holiday if you can prove that you have done everything you can to negotiate with him and have contact arrangements in place. The children’s interests come first.

Huntinginthedark · 13/02/2018 17:16

The only losers in this are the girls sadly. They’ll have to learn the hard way what a cunt their father is.
Do not minimise
Tell the whole truth, you do not need to facilitate his lies anymore

messofajess · 13/02/2018 17:19

No question about it ex and dw are both grade a twats. I agree with a previous poster: stop covering for him. Say you had an upsetting text from their father, show it to them and start planning a better trip all together even if it's only for end of next year. You have my sympathies op.

bastardkitty · 13/02/2018 17:22

What an absolute pair of cunts your ex and his W are. Hope your DDs are okay. No point beating around the bush. They need to see him for who he is.

1Wanda1 · 13/02/2018 17:38

It never ceases to amaze me what absolute cunts some dads (sadly it is usually dads in this scenario) can be. Your poor girls.

It will be their dad who pays in the long run for this spineless and short sighted approach. Your girls won't forget how he has made them feel with this: second best. He will lose out on a loving relationship with them as a result.

Similar has happened to my teen DS and DD with their dad. It is so sad, but at this age they can see this behaviour for what it is, and they do form unfavourable judgements.

You sound very nice and I'm sure you'll do all you can to give your DDs all the love and attention they aren't getting from their shitty father.

CrispyWanton · 13/02/2018 17:44

He's an absolute cunt of the highest order

Greyponcho · 13/02/2018 17:50

They clearly have zero intention of taking the girls with them.
I’d be tempted to call him and say you’ve spoken to the school and it’s okay for them to miss their tests... see him baulk and splutter at the thought of paying for them - see if he actually intended to take them at all!

Spineless git shouldn’t be giving you his shitty mess to clear up. I think this act completely voids any consideration for “his weekends” when you’re planning your next holiday - fuck them!

iamafraidofvirginiawolves3cats · 13/02/2018 18:22

Vile man.

I would have to say that this is such a wonderful opportunity the girls can go. You know he won’t agree. Your poor girls. Do your own thing for your family henceforth. How dare he stop them going to Australia!

Make sure you tell them exactly what he said and stop protecting him.
I would be tempted to do an intercom phone call tonight. All three/four of you should be there to hear what is said.

Start it with’ the girls would like to have a chat about the family trip to Oz. I have explained that you’ve said -use exact words. Let the girls ask the questions and hopefully they will make him squirm.

Do you mind if I ask whether there were signs that he was this sort of cowardly cunt before you married him?

Jux · 13/02/2018 18:48

It would be great if you could do what BewareOfDragons said ^^. Of course you can't, but it's a good fantasy, and would really serve him right.

We all know he's picked those dates deliberately, and that the only reason he's going to Australia at all is because you wanted to last year.

He's an absolute irredeemable dick.

Teacherontherun · 13/02/2018 22:55

Just wondering how you got on OP? I am totally conflicted as on the one hand I would be ensuring he does his own dirty work, however as others have said at least if you tell the kids you are in control of the information they receive and understand 100% that it's the prat of a father who has made this choice. And I mean choice, he could have arranged another date or waited until it works for everyone.

donners312 · 14/02/2018 09:12

But he won't squirm he clearly doesn't give a toss?

My Ex did this he thought i would say No to the holiday when the DC agreed to go he just said 'Oh sorry i've already made my plans now" (to fly 1st class without you!!)

Original poster

ExFury · 14/02/2018 09:31

I spoke to the girls last night. Said they needed to call their Dad to speak to him about Australia. Straight away eldest said "He's not taking us, is he?" so I explained the message that I'd got and the clash with the exams. Youngest thought there had been a mix up and phoned him - of course he didn't answer. More than 10 times she tried over the evening and neither he nor his wife answered (house phone plus 2x mobiles).

Had to explain about Australia last year and it turned out they both knew. They'd heard comments from ex and his wife regarding finances (in relation to how much maintenance they pay when we're obviously loaded), which I'm absolutely incandescant about.

They both asked to see his messages, which I was a little bit wary of because the use of "my family" was going to be devastating, but ultimately I let them see as they needed to know an accurate picture. Eldest has decided that sums things up and wants nothing to do with him again. She pretty much said she's been pissed off with him for a long time, but wanted to keep things ok for youngest and her little half-brother. Youngest is quite quiet - that tends to be her way, she mulls things over herself for a day or two and then opens up, but I can tell she's heartbroken.

They've gone off into town together this morning which is a little unusual. They are close, but they usually hang out with their own friends when they are out and about. They are meeting up with my step-daughter later on and then we're going to discuss our family holiday next year tonight.

By sheer co-incidence I was speaking to ex's sister last night and when she asked if the girls were around next weekend or at their Dad's I couldn't hold my tongue. Discovered a few things that I didn't know (her other sister hosts a big family Boxing day dinner and they were under the impression I wouldn't allow the girls to go because ex wasn't there - I had no idea the girls were invited. Same with a wedding that is coming up. Ex isn't going and they were under the impression the girls weren't allowed to go to their family events without him). Have an agreement now with her that invitations to family things will come to the girls direct, even though they are a little young for that atm. I've already had her Mum on the phone this morning absolutey outraged, although she's not that surprised due to her relatiosnhip with ex and his wife.

OP posts:

billybagpuss · 14/02/2018 09:39

Wow, At least it opens up the girls to the rest of their family which they were obviously being excluded from.

AgnesBrownsCat · 14/02/2018 09:42

He’s a dick but you already know that . Book whatever holiday you want with your lovely children from now on and send him a text from the airport when you arrive .

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