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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you stay?

143 replies

PrinceofWales · 01/02/2018 19:50

If your partner said he wanted to get married, at some unspecified point in the future, but not any time when you had proposed to him. Would you see it as a rejection? Or would you wait around?

He's definitely not planning to do it himself any time soon. I know him well enough to know that. We're right on the edge over this and I can't see if I'm unreasonable to feel rejected, unwanted and let down.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 01/02/2018 19:51

NO Flowers

Original poster
PrinceofWales · 01/02/2018 19:52

Sorry meant to read 'any time soon'!

OP posts:
Original poster
PrinceofWales · 01/02/2018 19:56

Thank you Gemini

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 01/02/2018 19:58

It would be a deal breaker for me.

Deshasafraisy · 01/02/2018 19:59

Is he waiting to see if he gets a “better offer”? Or maybe he wants to be with you but doesn’t want to get married and us saying he does to please you.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 01/02/2018 20:00

It depends. If you have a child together or are pregnant, I'd go. If you've known him a month, I'd stay. What's your situation?

DriggleDraggle · 01/02/2018 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsHathaway · 01/02/2018 20:03

If you want to get married to a person, then when they propose you accept.

I'd say that he probably doesn't want to be married to you. Usually there are two possible reasons: he doesn't want to cede control of his assets/time/lifestyle, or he doesn't see a future with you (or both).

If he's making a fuss about the timescale and proposal then that points towards a control thing. Do you want to be with a person with a control thing? It's not generally advisable. Is he very inflexible in other areas of life (particularly financial)?

I think you have to decide what's more important: to be settled, or to be with him. Because it doesn't sound like he's offering both.

Good luck.

Huntinginthedark · 01/02/2018 20:04

Can’t you talk about it. Do you have kids? Do you want kids?
Mine did this and then the day I walked out the door he proposed. I said it was a bit fucking late. Like 10 years too late.
It’s fine if you’re both on the same page, but if you’re not then it’s going to cause massive resentment on your half. If you are that half.

ChasedByBees · 01/02/2018 20:05

It does depend on how long you’ve been together already as Mybrilliantdisguise says but if it’s a decent length of time I’d take it as a sign that you have a different view of the future together.

MimpiDreams · 01/02/2018 20:06

How long have you been together?

Original poster
PrinceofWales · 01/02/2018 20:06

We have a 9 month old Ds.

He said he wants to be with me, and wants to 'one day' but that saying anymore than that would be a lie.

I'm hurting very much right now. I thought we were on the same page and we're not even the same chapter. Maybe not even the same book.

We live together, have a child together, I thought this would the next step we took together. Sad

OP posts:
Albertschair · 01/02/2018 20:06

For me it would depend on my age, how long we had been together.

Yanbu to feel rejected if he said he didn't want to marry you yet. With no indication of when/ why that would change. Feelings are important. But I don't think he is unreasonable to say I love you. I want to be with you. But not sure I'm ready for marriage yet.

Albertschair · 01/02/2018 20:07

Ah major cross post.

He's shit

Original poster
PrinceofWales · 01/02/2018 20:07

3 years. But known each other almost 10.

OP posts:
MrsExpo · 01/02/2018 20:08

Sorry OP but it would be a deal breaker for me too. I’m assuming you’ve been together for a while and ought to be clear about how you both feel about the future. Draw a line and move on.

Huntinginthedark · 01/02/2018 20:08

Are you working? What is your financial situation
Baby, not married, not working is a very vulnerable position

Do you actually want to be married to someone who’s so half arsed about it?
I wouldn’t mind if someone said upfront “I don’t ever want to get married” but this carrot shit is, well just shit

Getoutofthatgarden · 01/02/2018 20:09

YANBU. I would take it as rejectionSad.

Original poster
PrinceofWales · 01/02/2018 20:10

I work part time.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrinceofWales · 01/02/2018 20:12

I've been so clear that that was what I wanted and I really thought we were thinking the same thing, he talked about it a bit if I mentioned it.

Just feel so small and stupid.

OP posts:
Huntinginthedark · 01/02/2018 20:13

Do you own a house
Rent a house, what are the finances etc.

I think if you have a child, you either both agree to not marry and get some kind of legal agreement drawn up regarding finances and property etc
You marry
Or you just separate

What’s happening now is untenable long term.

MiddleClassProblem · 01/02/2018 20:13

Does he say what it is he needs/is missing/is waiting for before he’s ready to make that step or is it just that he doesn’t feel ready yet? You’d think the later wouldn’t be any different from your current situation other than officially professing commitment.

MrsHathaway · 01/02/2018 20:13

Oh, boy. I'm so sorry, OP.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 01/02/2018 20:15

You need to act now, OP, otherwise you'll be saying the same thing in ten years' time. This guy has to know what he has to lose.

Original poster
PrinceofWales · 01/02/2018 20:19

We rent, but I know the landlord, so I think it would work out in my favour if he was to leave.

He's quite vague on the whole thing. Not ready/life too stressful seems to be about right I think.

It's just all come out of no where, I know it shouldn't matter, i shouldn't need a piece of paper to make me happy, but it's hit me in the gut how unfamiliar my future now feels. I have absolutely no say in the decision to get married, I want to and it'll only happen on his terms. It's an uncomfortable feeling.

I just thought we were so in love, so happy together that we both wanted the same outcome. Sad

OP posts: