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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you stay?

143 replies

PrinceofWales · 01/02/2018 19:50

If your partner said he wanted to get married, at some unspecified point in the future, but not any time when you had proposed to him. Would you see it as a rejection? Or would you wait around?

He's definitely not planning to do it himself any time soon. I know him well enough to know that. We're right on the edge over this and I can't see if I'm unreasonable to feel rejected, unwanted and let down.

Aibu?

OP posts:
halfwitpicker · 23/02/2018 01:44

He wants the ha'penny and the gingerbread basically.

halfwitpicker · 23/02/2018 01:46

Sorry, total cross post, didn't see your last comment before I posted... You poor thing op. He sounds very selfish to be honest.

PrinceofWales · 23/02/2018 01:53

I just want to shake him and scream at him (I won't!). I just don't understand how he say he loves me so much and I make him happy and he loves our life together and then hurt me so bad.

I sound crazy ( as far as I know I'm not!) and I feel ridiculous getting so het up about this.

Grip needed I think.

OP posts:
halfwitpicker · 23/02/2018 01:54

How old are you?

ferrier · 23/02/2018 01:54

You are already in the process of disengaging. The resentment will increase and ultimately you are likely to separate unless he has an epiphany. There will come a time when it doesn't hurt any more or when you can put the hurt in a box and not think about it. And rebuild your life Flowers

PrinceofWales · 23/02/2018 01:58

I'm 30 this year.

I suspect that that has a hand in how I'm feeling. I thought I've have it all locked down by now. Instead I'm in a total mess with no happiness on the horizon. My 20's were horrible. I just want to enjoy my 30's.

OP posts:
PrinceofWales · 23/02/2018 02:05

We have both discussed separating but it's not what either of us really want. Ultimately I know he does love me, he just doesn't want to marry me any time soon. He doesn't see the point. I've taken that to heart and we're both struggling with the fallout. We're just arguing and bitching and ignoring in a vicious circle.

He thinks I should just accept how he feels and not let it be a problem, after all I'm lucky, he does love me and thinks so much of me.

I think he's just playing with me and I feel very let down that I'm not in the relationship I was led to believe I was in.

I guess we're both right, but there's no compromise to be had.

OP posts:
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 23/02/2018 02:17

Op... very sorry, but it is not easy to live with a man whose indecision make you feel as if he is dangling a carrot (marriage) in front of you as if it depended on you.

I would leave, and would leave soon. It is much easier to leave when children are young.

FlashTheSloth · 23/02/2018 03:28

He doesn't want to marry you OP. Otherwise he would. What's thw difference in doing it now or in 5/10 years time. Sounds like he has just been stringing you along. That would be a deal breaker for me.

HongKongPhooeyNo1Superstar · 23/02/2018 04:17

I would tell him to move out.
He doesn't want to marry you.

Find your anger and pride and kick him out.

tillytown · 23/02/2018 06:26

Separate, the resentment isn't going away, and he doesn't care about the pain he has caused. Even if he were to propose now I doubt it would end in a marriage, instead you would just have a really long engagement.
Or accept he loves you, but not enough to give you, and your child, the security of marriage.
What he is doing isn't fair to you. Saying he wants to get married but not now, and then arguing, isn't right. At best he doesn't know how to communicate, at worst he has no intention of marrying you, and is just stringing you along.

PrinceofWales · 23/02/2018 08:22

I suppose it just makes me wonder what else I have to do to 'earn' a proposal.

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PrinceofWales · 24/02/2018 08:51

I keep writing here because it's quite helpful to get it all out, even if no one reads it. A bit like a diary.

I'm reading stuff on the net about how to stay with someone when you've reached such a point. It's all about 'is your relationship good in general?' Thing is, I don't know. I thought so, but then I thought he wanted to get married to me, so what do I know??

Another question is 'how important is it really?' That one is easier, it is really important to me. I was married before, to the wrong man, but I still believe in it. I still believe in standing with the man I love and making that vow to stay with him.

I just don't know what to do. If I ask him to move out, so much will change. I'll have to leave my job. I don't think I can cope with the rejection, the feeling that I'm wasting my time.

And what if I never met someone else? A single mum of 4 who doesn't leave the house, with no job and no redeeming features. What if this is just my lot in life, to be with someone who loves me less, and I just feel more and more bitter and twisted.

I'm so so angry and it's eating away at me. I feel parts of me dying off as every hope and daydream I ever had crumbles into dust.

I hate him.

OP posts:
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 24/02/2018 09:03

Ok... sorry for being a bit “practical”, but if he is not that bad, you don’t need to split straight away:

Use this time to prepare your exit, increase your financial independence and end this as soon as you are ready to be on your own.

But don’t stay expecting that if you do x, y or z probably he will propose. He is not going to be more in love with you as time pases, he has already decided he doesn’t want to marry you and that is not going to change unless you force him into it, and that is NOT what you want. If he doesn’t want to get married now, when things are so good, he won’t get married later when things are becoming more monotonous.

Leave, but leave when you are ready and it suits you.

PrinceofWales · 24/02/2018 09:07

See, that's what I keep thinking. :-(

There's really no way around this. I've given him everything. Just so so sad that this is how it goes.

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trojanpony · 24/02/2018 09:07

He doesn't see the point.

Maybe the point is making the love of his life happy?
Good grief I do a billion pointless things simply because they bring my partner joy.
Sorry this is happening Flowers

user1479491730 · 24/02/2018 09:23

I was actually in a similar situation OP. Had a baby with my long term partner (unplanned). Kept bringing up the subject of marriage and there was always a response of yes eventually, not now etc. I realised that it was never going to be a good time for him and basically gave him an ultimatum.
I tried not to let the emotions get in the way just said fairly calmly that as I didn’t want to continue to stay together unmarried that I would be moving out, the alternative was that we make concrete plans to get married.

Although he wasn’t thrilled with being given those two options, he did choose to marry me and we have now set a date to get married.

I know it’s not the ideal, I would have liked a romantic proposal but the principle for me was is he willing to compromise and do something he doesn’t want to do for my sake or not? I felt that would be a good indicator of how our future would look going forwards, more so than a feeling based proposal.
I think with some people it’s the concept of marriage maybe the finality of it that puts them off and is something they may never choose willingly, without an external reason to!

Whether he would have made the same decision if the baby wasn’t involved I don’t know, but I did reassure him that I would move locally and he would still have regular access etc, I didn’t want to use the baby as a tool to force his hand.

I did my best to mentally prepare for if he still said no to marriage, I had started making plans to move out and figured out how I would cope financially and with childcare. I think it’s important to do this, if an ultimatum is given you have to be prepared for either choice.

I don’t know if this is the right choice for you in your circumstances but I can only share my experience. It was getting hard to not be resentful towards him in the face of all the uncertainty and I don’t think I could have stayed much longer either way.

PrinceofWales · 24/02/2018 09:31

I don't want him to do it to keep me happy. Of course I'd rather he didn't propose if that was why, it's the fact that he doesn't want it in the first place that stings. I'am nothing special at all, and in all honesty neither is he! Just to me, he's everything. Sad

But we have a good life, a nice house, the children, I just don't get it. Unless it's because of me. Sad

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Idontdowindows · 24/02/2018 09:32

I am so sorry. But he is telling you who he is and you're not listening.

He will not marry you. He thinks he's such a prize that you'll wait for him forever.

And so far, he's been right.

PrinceofWales · 24/02/2018 09:34

User

He started packing a bag to leave the other day over this, so the only compromising would have to be from me.

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Idontdowindows · 24/02/2018 09:57

He started packing a bag to leave the other day over this, so the only compromising would have to be from me.

He's not just telling you who he is. He is shouting it in your face and you are not hearing it.

He doesn't want to marry you.
He will not marry you.
If you keep bringing it up he will leave you.

He wants you for housework, baby making, sex and probably some other services you can provide, but he does not see a future with you. He is keeping his options open.

PrinceofWales · 24/02/2018 10:03

If I wasn't hearing it, then I wouldn't have posted. Sad

I know he's shouting it, I'm not burying my head in the sand about it.

I just don't understand why.

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PrinceofWales · 24/02/2018 10:06

He was going to leave because of the arguing, which stems from this. I don't keep asking him or anything. I'm just not hiding how disappointed I'am. That's what pissing him off, the fact that I've not accepted it and just moved on.

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happypoobum · 24/02/2018 10:08

Honestly you cannot go on like this can you?

Ask him to leave.

PrinceofWales · 24/02/2018 10:10

Honestly? No I can't, it's already affecting my job, my relationship with my children.

I just need to get my head around it.

OP posts: