Would you stay?

[PrinceofWales]

If your partner said he wanted to get married, at some unspecified point in the future, but not any time when you had proposed to him. Would you see it as a rejection? Or would you wait around?

He's definitely not planning to do it himself any time soon. I know him well enough to know that. We're right on the edge over this and I can't see if I'm unreasonable to feel rejected, unwanted and let down.

Aibu?

Mornings are easier for childcare, so I wouldn’t change that. A childminder is cheaper than what you get paid, so I don’t see why you feel, you’d have to give up your job?

I've never used a childminder so I don't know prices. I earn less than £400 a month.

If you go to childcare.co.uk and select childminder & put in your postcode you’ll see quite a few advertised and their hourly rate.

Even if you’re not earning much more than that, it’s worth it to stay employed.

Thank you, that's really helpful.

You have four children to support, twelve hours is barely anything so giving it up would be sheer madness. What you need to be doing is upping your hours and finding childcare.

You're asking a lot of him and in such a short time just to meet your agenda of being married in your thirties. There's no way on earth most people would have even entertained a baby at eighteen months of dating let alone marriage. With a failed marriage behind you already you don't appear to be learning from mistakes.

He's told you marriage isn't what he wants and tbh I don't blame him, you have a lot of baggage and stand to gain the most from marriage whereas for him it's lose lose when he actually doesn't want to do it. He said very wise not to do it if it doesn't feel right to him, it would make a mockery of the vows. Nobody should ever be forced into marriage or guilted into it by a sulking partner.

If you want more, leave and find it elsewhere.

Christ listen to yourself. If this is a deal breaker for you then leave. Leave the drama to the script writers.

I don't need to leave. He'd be the one to leave.

No way to up my hours because of other commitments.

You could end up waiting forever

You say that the fact of your other three DCs isn’t relevant to this situation, but I think from his perspective it may be a very relevant part of the issue. Especially as he looks after them while you go to work. You also say you don’t drive. So two key points that make you very dependent on him.

A healthy marriage comes from two equals who support each other and bring value (not just financial but hard work and positivity) to the relationship.

Unless there is a reason why you cannot drive, I would start having lessons. I would also look at getting better qualified so you can go for better paid jobs. Both of these will show DP that you aren’t just expecting him to carry you and your DCs. It will make you a great role model for your DCs too. You may look much more like a women he wants to call ‘my wife’ if you are more confident, capable and independent.

Yellow honestly, what do you get out of being so horrible all the time? Calling PoW’s three children ‘baggage’ is plain nasty.

He said he wanted to get married. He chose to move in with her & her 3 children. He planned their baby DS.

He also doesn't drive. I had two years single. I'm no more dependent on him than most relationships where money and childcare are shared

If you both don’t drive and there are limited employment opportunities you may acquiring some new skills, which could include driving, may improve that situation.

Just like you wanted marriage and a commitment to feel happier at this point in your life, he may also have a list of things he expected to have in place before he committed to marriage. Perhaps you could start the discussions from this perspective.

I did try learning to drive.

6 months and £1500 later, I was no closer

Well, men like this don't want to get married because they want an easy out when they feel like it. He doesn't want to fully commit. End of.
They usually go off after years of stringing someone along and then marry the next woman straight away. Sorry op. I've seen it happen a number of times.
I would tell him it's done. What's the point of delaying it?

I hope you find a happy resolution OP.

I find it sad that so many people have children without thinking through the consequences of being so financially and otherwise vulnerable.

I’d tell him to leave.

If he's not ready, he's not ready.
He has told you he has no interest in tying the knot any time soon. You may need to make your peace with that or move on if marriage is not the outcome he wants. Ask yourself, truly, without the influence of well meaning friends or family, is marriage the be all and end all for you.

Do you want to keep kicking this ball down the road? Or do you want to get off this road going nowhere and get on a road going to marriage with another person? Remember, every step you take going in the wrong direction takes you further from your preferred destination.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts.

Guess it's obvious what I have to do.