Would you stay?

[PrinceofWales]

If your partner said he wanted to get married, at some unspecified point in the future, but not any time when you had proposed to him. Would you see it as a rejection? Or would you wait around?

He's definitely not planning to do it himself any time soon. I know him well enough to know that. We're right on the edge over this and I can't see if I'm unreasonable to feel rejected, unwanted and let down.

Aibu?

That's the thing. It's been ruined for me now. I don't think I could ever not feel this feeling if it ever came up again. I certainly wouldn't feel happy and excited.

I’d feel cheated and as if the marriage thing were now spoiled. If he now proposed it would feel to me as I’d i’d Pushed him into it. This would be a deal breaker for me!

I think that feeling is counter productive.
Maybe give it a break for a bit. Going over it every night and coming to no resolutions is not going to help anyone.
Give yourself a time frame in your own mind.
In say 6 months you’ll talk about again. And if no change then you’ll think about your life seriously and what you want

You always have a choice, and so does he.

I'm finding the disappointment hard to take. I'm getting no enjoyment being around him as I'm finding it hard knowing we're not on a level playing field. I showed my hand and his cards are hidden. I'm feeling so bitter and twisted I just want to scream. It's sucked all the joy out of my life.

I'm really sorry you feel that way OP. Do not add embarrassment or shame to the mix. You did a very brave and ballsy thing - a lot of people would have passively waited and you didn't, you took action. That was extremely admirable.

Why not take a break from each other for a week or two. See how you both feel after some time apart.

I wish I hadn't. I wish I'd waited. I would've had a little longer to enjoy a happy daydream. I honestly think I'd rather have kept believing it might have been just around the corner than having the door slammed in my face.

There's no where for either of us to go. Plus he looks after DS while I'm at work so I'd have to see him a lot anyway.

I issued my boyfriend of 8 years an ultimatum. My mum was dying so there was a time issue. He only reluctantly agreed to marry me because I told him to start packing up his stuff. We had a great wedding day and have been happily married for nearly 4 years now. He doesn't regret getting married at all. Yes I am a bit pissed off I didn't get a romantic proposal and someone even slightly excited by wedding planning but I don't regret it for one moment. I'm not saying you should issue an ultimatum btw, that's up to you. I'm just responding to people saying ultimatums always backfire.

I don't think you should just walk away due to your dc. Maybe couples counselling? For me when my dh first refused my ultimatum I was devastated that he wouldn't do the one thing that meant the absolute world to me as my mum had been hinting about not minding if we eloped etc. She just wanted to see me settled/happy. And there's always he back up plan of divorce, so why do people find it so scary?! And you have a dc! I hope you get it sorted x

@PrinceofWales but you have time to find the dream with someone else, someone who is worth you!!!

I don't think his cards are hidden, I'm really sorry, he's basically told uou he does not wish to marry you, or anyone else, any time soon.

You've both shown your cards, yes it's horrible to propose and be rejected, as I think you're saying you proposed, but at least you know.

It's now your call on how important this is to you. I will say again, the good news is you now know and aren't one of these women that spends years of their lives hoping for a proposal but are too scared to ask and find out.

You did the right thing in asking, it might not feel like it now, but you did, because it clarified the position. Don't harp on at him. Just think quietly about what you want to do. Is this enough for you, or would you rather get out?

He was ready for a baby but not for marriage? I just find this so bizarre.

I'm not sure what I'd do in your case op. Getting married before starting a family was important to me so that's what we did but I don't know if I'd break up a family over it once the child's already there.

Ask him his specific reasons for not wanting to get married. A vague 'not ready' isn't good enough at this stage, it's not like you're only dating.

I’m really sorry but I have to go against the majority here- if you’re in love and have a spark and are happy parenting together does marriage really matter. It’s not as easy as walk away and Prince Charming will be waiting to sweep you off your feet and marry you. I’m in no way wishing to trivialise your wish to be married but you need to be realistic about what walking away and starting again dating and seeing him date would be like....likely crap!
I’d try counselling if possible as others have suggested. Also, I don’t think a man not wanting to get married (or anyone for that matter) has a direct bearing on his love for you or your union as parents.

I did the same with my stbx! He'd always said we'd get married if i wanted to...until i asked! I was really hurt when he said no. He eventually asked and we did, but my gut knew his heart wasn't in it. He just wanted our child to have his surname i think.
Trust your gut and be honest with yourself. It was never right for me in the end but it took 20 years to realise it! He just always had the control somehow.
Your DP should know if he wants to commit his life to you after all this time. I hope you work it out.

Yes marriage does matter! He's telling her he's not committed.

OP, does he work?

Whose name does your DS have?

Plenty of people are married and aren’t committed and plenty of people aren’t married and are utterly committed.
Personally I believe having a child together is the ultimate commitment as you will be united forever, not a ring that a divorce can remove.

A child doesn't give you the legal protections of marriage. There is a reason so many men are willing to have a child with a woman but not marry her.

They often use the silly 'piece of paper' arguments, but the truth is marriage is a lot more than that, and they know it. That's why they won't do it.

Ultimatums can work, IMO. You’re forcing the issue, but your partner still has to make a choice.

I made it perfectly clear to my then partner that I wanted to get married within a certain time frame. I didn’t get a proposal as such, but we agreed to get married, and bought a ring together.

He showed very little interest in the wedding planning ( but I know some men can be like that ), but then 6 months before the big day he told me he couldn’t go through with it, and just wanted to carry on living together.

I left him, and went to my parents, because I knew that I wouldn’t be happy without being married. Less than 24 hours later he showed up at my parents, told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, and from then he threw himself into all aspects of the wedding planning with great enthusiasm.

We’ve now been married for 21 years.

I can remember feeling occasionally in the early days that we were only married because I forced the issue. But then I realised that it was still a choice he made, just as I made a choice to leave rather than just live together.

OP, I know that it’s more difficult because you have a child together, but if he doesn’t want to get married, you still have choices you can make .

OP, I've commented up thread, and carried on reading.
This fella has it on a plate, you are giving your all, and he's giving as much as suits him. I can see how he is sucking the joy out of your relationship, more fool him. If he won't open up to you, and he can't give you a reason, after living with you, and having a child with you, then I would move on. You deserve, and can have, so much more. I don't understand what he's holding out for, but I wouldn't be putting myself up for sale, and neither should you.
I really don't know what else to say OP, but he certainly isn't the be all and end all, he seems to think he is.
Go and catch your dream ! 🌸

Calm down and wait for the marriage proposal he's not ready so let him do it when he is he isn't saying never and marriage is not going to change u're circumstances any it's a peice of paper and a name change and a whole load of money so let him be u can't force marriage on him just cause u want to and don't feel rejected by it there are more things to be upset over marriage is not easy and is not always forever u have a gd relationship now and a child concentrate on that and stop trying to rush things men like to drag feet on marriage but I personally am in a secure long term relationship and have 3 kids we don't see the point in marriage it's alot of money for everyone else and I just changed my name to his and Im happy with that

Oh I'm sorry for you op, what a twat to keep you dangling like that. If he told you a year ago before you had your baby, you could have walked out easily. Now it's harder because you've got a child together but it's not impossible. I'd walk out now before you waste away your life with someone who isn't committed to you.

I'm still struggling so much with this. It's actually getting harder each day and our relationship has been pushed over the edge.

I'm so angry at him, I feel tricked and led on. I truly believed he felt the same. I'm so hateful and resentful towards him and I can't see a way to be happy because I want to be married to him, I don't want anyone else and so neither staying or going will make me happy in the long run.

I wish I knew how to just be content with being with him, that's how he wants me to be. Just happy with my lot in life. Everywhere around us people are happy together and getting engaged, his best friend has just proposed to his gf, they've been together 6 months and my partner was sneering over it, saying how he'd just given in as it was what she wanted and his friend wanted a quiet life. His other friend posted a lovely message on fb dedicated to his wife on their anniversary. It physically hurts me to know that world exists, where people who love each other get married because it's just that simple. I'm not part of that world.

I wish he felt that overwhelmingly in love with me, but he doesn't. I can already feel my heart turning to stone as I can't trust him with it any more. I'm shutting down around him and I wish I could change that because it won't help.

How can I still love someone who has hurt me in the worst way, and made me feel so unworthy?

I wish I could just leave, but I love him, I just wish I didn't.

I think this is what is meant by

'You cannot hate what you've never loved.'

I feel so bitter and twisted. I want to hurt him. I want him to know what he feels like to make yourself that vulnerable to another human and have them flat out dismiss you.

I hate myself.