Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you stay?

143 replies

PrinceofWales · 01/02/2018 19:50

If your partner said he wanted to get married, at some unspecified point in the future, but not any time when you had proposed to him. Would you see it as a rejection? Or would you wait around?

He's definitely not planning to do it himself any time soon. I know him well enough to know that. We're right on the edge over this and I can't see if I'm unreasonable to feel rejected, unwanted and let down.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/02/2018 20:20

You live together, have a CHILD together, but he's unwilling to fully commit and he's stringing you along with a bullshit "eventually" excuse. He's playing with you. If he isn't wanting to marry you know he never will.

ChasedByBees · 01/02/2018 20:23

It does matter, in many many legal and emotional and practical ways. I’m sorry OP Flowers

Original poster
PrinceofWales · 01/02/2018 20:26

I'm glad I'm not being unreasonable at least.

OP posts:
JaneEyre70 · 01/02/2018 20:31

It would be a deal breaker for me. I would feel he's hedging his bets, sadly, and I'd want better Flowers.

Huntinginthedark · 01/02/2018 20:35

You’ve got to sit down and have a serious conversation about it.
He’s just brushing you off and that’s not on.

PoorYorick · 01/02/2018 20:36

I know it shouldn't matter, i shouldn't need a piece of paper to make me happy

Of course it should matter. Marriage is a commitment and there's nothing wrong with wanting it. It won't be for everyone but it's obviously something you want, and as a part time working mother it makes perfect sense that you should want it.

It's not 'a piece of paper' any more than a contract of employment or a £50 note. There are lots of good reasons to choose not to marry but a legal contract with various protections and benefits is not 'a piece of paper'. It's totally disingenuous when people claim that it is, especially when they're doing it to avoid making a commitment that their partner understandably wants.

I have absolutely no say in the decision to get married, I want to and it'll only happen on his terms. It's an uncomfortable feeling.

You can't decide for him, of course, but you can decide for yourself. If he is not willing to make a legal commitment to you that would likely protect your interests - and which you understandably feel strongly about - you can choose not to accept that situation. You can choose to leave.

Personally I would.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 01/02/2018 20:36

Has he given you a reason as to why, he doesn't want to get married ?
Is it the thought of a big wedding, perhaps ?

Original poster
PrinceofWales · 01/02/2018 20:38

We've sat down multiple times over the last few days. He gets very defensive because he says he feels guilty.

I just feel, well, cheated. I thought I had this amazing event to look forward to soon, something we could plan together and it's like a stone in my stomach to feel that I'm just not wanted. I'm good enough for everything else. Just not that.

OP posts:
Wauden · 01/02/2018 20:39

Maybe he really does want to get married but like some other men can be, has in the back of his mind, the idea that he is still how he used to be, ie a singleton. I'm not saying he wants to be a singleton at all, or anything negative at all, its just that some men like to hang on to the idea of being single yet also wants to be with you both.

Maybe you need some technique or 'thing' or event to make him realise what he has. I don't know what the thing is.

LadyLapsang · 01/02/2018 20:39

Personally I wouldn't have had a child without being married first - if marriage is what you want; appreciate some people are happy not to be married. I would be humiliated if I had given my partner a child and they didn't want to marry me. Put bluntly, it often means they are still looking over your shoulder.However, now you have a child, I wouldn't advocate breaking up your family unit without really good reason. Very difficult.

PoorYorick · 01/02/2018 20:40

He gets very defensive because he says he feels guilty.

He could change that very easily. Why won't he? Don't tell me he thinks marriage has to be a huge expensive white wedding. We all know it doesn't.

I'm good enough for everything else. Just not that.

I'd feel exactly the same.

Original poster
PrinceofWales · 01/02/2018 20:40

I don't want a big wedding. I don't know any people, small family. Same with him really. He just doesn't want to.

The thing is I already decided. I chose him. Sad

OP posts:
hungryhippo90 · 01/02/2018 20:41

Are you the lady who posted before Christmas about this?

Im sorry, but it doesn't seem that is what he wants.
Don't propose to him, or nag, just move on with someone else, if he is not proposing marriage because it's something you really want and have expressed as a definite goal in mind, then you will never be happy together.
You will feel bad you're not married, and even if he were to marry you, you'd never feel like it was his idea or desire because you had to nag.

That's my view at least.

I didn't get married to DH until we had been together for 4.5 years, and it was mostly me who wanted to be married. Because he didn't propose I feel like he was coerced.

We have a lovely marriage, he is a wonderful husband, but I can't help but feel that DH married me because he felt backed into a corner instead of so giddy with love and happiness he couldn't help but buy an engagement ring and tell me life wouldn't be complete without me as his wife.

In the knowledge how that feels as a foundation of our marriage, I sometimes think how I should have walked away to find someone who felt stronger about me.

Please don't sign yourself up for that kind of confidence bashing for the rest of your life.

PoorYorick · 01/02/2018 20:42

The thing is I already decided. I chose him.

He will always be the father of your child. He does not always have to be your life partner.

Original poster
PrinceofWales · 01/02/2018 20:43

I do feel humiliated.

I get asked often at work or by people I know ( not close enough to invite to a wedding but close enough!) if it's on the cards and I've hated being breezy about it all because I was waiting for him. And then thought no, I'll do it! Fucked it right up, didn't I. So embarrassed.

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 01/02/2018 20:44

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Nothing at all.

Original poster
PrinceofWales · 01/02/2018 20:44

hungry you've summed it up far better than I could do. Sad

OP posts:
Huntinginthedark · 01/02/2018 20:46

But you do have a child together. So you’re in a really difficult position

Couples therapy? People tend to only use it when it’s really bad, but I think it’s better to use before it gets that bad.
You need to be on the same page in terms of life goals. Perhaps he might explain his rational better with someone independent
And vice versa.
Though if he’s like a lot of people, he probably won’t go.
I remember sitting crying in the toilets at my best friends wedding, she’d know her DH less time that I had known my dp. And I just felt like utter shit

PoorYorick · 01/02/2018 20:47

I'm not trivialising anything hungry has said in her brave and honest post, but I will say that you didn't force or coerce him to get married. I don't know if you gave him an ultimatum or not, but at some point he made the decision.

April229 · 01/02/2018 20:48

OP what a horrible situation 💐

There is no reason to feel rejected unless there are signs he doesn’t want to be with you, what’s the rest of the relationship like?

We have a DD and we are not married, engaged with vague plans to get married at some point. To be honest, for us it’s not a big thing because with a child and a house together we feel pretty locked in and have a great relationship. I wouldn’t feel rejected if I changed my mind and he didn’t. Did he know that getting married was a priority for you when you first got together?

Do you feel like he doesn’t want to marry you, or that he’s just not fussed about marriage any which way?

PoorYorick · 01/02/2018 20:49

I think very, very little of a man who will allow a woman to bear his child, give up or reduce her earning capacity to care for said child, and will not marry her if it's what she wants.

Very, very little indeed.

Original poster
PrinceofWales · 01/02/2018 20:51

He's always known that it's important to me.

I genuinely don't know, it's the kinda of thing that even if it's not meant to be a personal rejection, it will always seem like it, so I don't know if it's me or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrinceofWales · 01/02/2018 20:52

I was part time when I got together with him. I went back when DS was 4 months old.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/02/2018 21:02

I'm very sorry you are so forlorn, but my biggest piece of advice is to never marry anyone who is only doing so because they are cornered by an ultimatum. That's a recipe for disaster, and marriage is hard enough even when both partners are in love and happy to be married.

PoorYorick · 01/02/2018 21:05

But ultimatums don't corner people. They offer them a choice, with consequences to both.

Not saying your advice isn't wise or solid, just that I don't buy into this idea that men are somehow forced or coerced into marrying just because the alternative is the woman leaving. They make a choice, presumably based on what they value more.