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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I have to justify being a SAHM

288 replies

Emlou07 · 13/12/2017 12:29

I fully expect this to go down like a lead balloon...

Do any other SAHM/House wives feel like they have to justify themselves when someone asks what you do?

I always feel like I need to say 'I'm a SAHM, but I'm not claiming any benefits. I also don't just sit around all day'

Not that there is anything wrong with being on benefits!

OP posts:
EtInTerraPax · 13/12/2017 12:31

It's about confidence- just say it breezily and ask what they do, and move on.
What business is it of anyone else's what you've chosen to do in life?

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 13/12/2017 12:31

No i never felt the need to justify

I always felt that anyone who judged me would obviously be a complete twat

I dont think its ever happened....or if it has its obviously gone straight over my head, which is much more likely Grin

Bambamber · 13/12/2017 12:32

People judge no matter what you do. I find myself justifying why I work and am not home 24/7 with my child. I also find myself explaining that doesn't make me a part time mum. Honestly, you can't win no matter what

EtInTerraPax · 13/12/2017 12:32

Of course, you may get different answers in AIBu than you would in SAHP board.

FannyTheFlamingo · 13/12/2017 12:33

Nope, I don't feel the need to justify it. I think some of my friends are a bit jealous, which I find a little embarrassing though. I miss work though! 😂

SleepingStandingUp · 13/12/2017 12:34

Justifying it makes it into an issue. What of you ask the person back and they are on benefits and they do sit on their bottom alot? Your judging them and assuming they will judge you. Just say "in a SAHP / Home with the kids / housewife / whatever you want but not full time mommy cost that's a whole new kettle of fish

WeeCheekyBird · 13/12/2017 12:36

Yup.

I'm a sahm as my husband makes more money and one of us wanted tk be around in her early years (she was unexpected and for reasons, will be our only child so we don't want to miss anything iyswim)

However I has always worked since I was a young teenager and feel like I'm...skiving I suppose? Even though this has been harder than my old career!

It's a modern thing. It used to be normal for mum to stay at home with the kids but now you're meant to feel like you are wrong for doing so.

I don't claim anything either and we are lucky that we are comfortable enough to do this.

Shutupanddance1 · 13/12/2017 12:37

I’m lucky - I’m abroad and I feel like SAHP are much more accepted. Back home tho is a different story, constantly asking me when I’m planning to go back to work Hmm... yes I have an education, yes you’ve told me I’m wasting my talents - thanks for supporting my decision Angry

Trinity66 · 13/12/2017 12:38

You shouldn't even think about it, I think it's great that one parent can stay home with the kids (especially when they're young) it takes alot of pressure off the family and it has to be better for the kids too

Primamadonna · 13/12/2017 12:41

I think what another poster said is correct - you get judged if you work or not but there is alot of judgy stuff on here towards sahms and I never had encountered it in RL. I don't justify myself to anyone - I made a choice to not work for many reasons and they aren't anyone elses business.

magpiemischief · 13/12/2017 12:42

Just practice your best shoulder shrug for judgemental people.

LittleLionMansMummy · 13/12/2017 12:42

Hasn't this topic been done to death?

When will women, whatever kind of a mum they are, simply stop worrying about how they are perceived, make a decision, stick by it, feel good about it, and stop justifying or hand wringing about justifying it? This interminable need to pigeon hole ourselves and identify as a member of a particular 'group' does us no favours. Own your decision op, opt to stop justifying it. But this thread will only go in one direction.

gamerwidow · 13/12/2017 12:44

Don’t justify your decisions to anyone. You have chosen them because they work for you and you family. If other people don’t like or understand your decision tough luck it has nothing to do with them.

Anatidae · 13/12/2017 12:45

You shouldn’t have to justify it.

Just accept that you’re in the wrong, just as us wohms are in the wrong as well for dumping our kids in childcare. I add it to all the other times I’m in the wrong over feeding/discipline/working and generally the crime of Existing While Female. Hmm

LookAtMyRingsMyRingsMyRings · 13/12/2017 12:47

i tend to cover all bases when asked:
Them: What do you do?
Me: I'm lucky enough to be at home with the children which I love.

I refuse to be drawn into an argument/justification on it.

Them: Oh I couldn't be at home all day
Me: And I love that I don't have to go out to work each day, horses for courses [big smile]

Them: When are you going back to work?
Me: I doubt I will, I really enjoy being at home and DH agrees this is best for our family. [big smile]

they key is always a breezy answer and a big smile. I don't judge others for their choices (well, sometimes quietly in the privacy of my own home, but i'm sure most of us do that sometimes) and i refuse to feel judged by someone else for our family choices.

Something i try to remember : I can't control what other people do or say, but i can control my reaction to them. no-one attempting to judge me would get the satisfaction of seeing me react to it.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/12/2017 12:48

And to add I AM on benefits - DH works but we receive working and family tax credits plus career allowance and DLA for the toddler. Anyone who wants to judge me for that can shove off tbh. We all do what we believe is best for our family

Mycarsmellsoflavender · 13/12/2017 12:49

You could just say "I'm a ........(whatever you used to do before) but I'm on an extended career break" if you feel judged by saying you're a SAHM. I've been on an extended career break for 13 years...

Trinity66 · 13/12/2017 12:49

generally the crime of Existing While Female

Stay at home dads tend to get judged even more harshly than SAHMs I think especially by other men but yeah women seemed to get judged for doing either

LookingForwardToChristmas · 13/12/2017 12:51

Why do you need to justify it? Do you feel the need to justify all your family and parental decision?

Stretchoutandwait · 13/12/2017 12:58

Not this again. Why do people (almost always other women in my experience) care about how you divide up working and caring responsibilities within your family. DH and I both work full time and our DC have been in full time childcare since they were babies. It's had some great advantages for us and we have no regrets. However I have been asked on numerous occasions about why I don't go part time (note DH has not once been asked). I don't care if someone chooses to be a SAHP if it's what they want (as long as they don't go trotting out the line about it being better for the children Wink)

ilovesooty · 13/12/2017 13:01

How long before someone suggests you respond with a tinkly laugh?

No need to justify your choices.

Trinity66 · 13/12/2017 13:03

as long as they don't go trotting out the line about it being better for the children

Not sure if this was directed at me or just in general but just incase I'll reply Smile

I don't judge people for their family choices, I don't think it's bad for kids to be in child care if both parents work however it is surely nicer for the kids to have a parent home with them? I don't understand how that's a line to be trotted out tbh it makes sense shrug

SleepingStandingUp · 13/12/2017 13:06

Trinity66 because it isn't always better for the children? If the bills aren't paid or they eave to move away from their friends and family to a cheaper area or if the SAHP isn't happy?

Honeybooboo123 · 13/12/2017 13:10

I was thinking about this a bit last night. I dont know any SAHP that don't work in some capacity or have their own business. I would never advise a young woman considering a family to not work.

Stretchoutandwait · 13/12/2017 13:11

Yes it was directed at you trinity. There is no good quality evidence whatsoever to support it being better/nicer for children to be at home rather than in childcare. It just makes people who have no other choice than to work feel unnecessarily bad about putting their children in childcare. Be a SAHP if you wish, but please don't try to justify at as being better for the children.