Page 3 | To feel like I have to justify being a SAHM

Emlou07 · 2017-12-13T12:29:31+00:00

I fully expect this to go down like a lead balloon... Do any other SAHM/House wives feel like they have to justify themselves when someone asks what you do? I always feel like I need to say 'I'm a SAHM, but I'm not claiming any benefits. I also don't just sit around all day' Not that there is anything wrong with being on benefits!

Lethaldrizzle · 13/12/2017 13:52

I was more than happy to say I was a sahm. I felt lucky! Your chip, Your shoulder- Just ignore the naysayers

swingofthings · 13/12/2017 13:54

I've never been a SAHM, always worked FT even as a single mum with two kids under 5. Do I judge SAHM? Absolutely not when they can afford to do so. There is nothing wrong at all with that choice.

HOWEVER, I do judge those who make this choice willingly because it suits THEM and it was what THEY wanted, but when things go unfortunately wrong and they end up separating, they blame everyone else for their low income potential afterwards and expect their ex to continue to support them financially.

Being a SAHM is a risk from that perspective and needs to be seen as such. I personally wouldn't have wanted to take it because I would hate finding myself not able to offer my kids and myself a decent lifestyle, but working long hours in a stressful job comes at a price, so really, either choice is one that comes with risks and sacrifices that you need to accept.

DailyMaileatmyshit · 13/12/2017 13:55

You get judged for both IMHO. I work full time, I get asked why I had kids if I don't want to raise them (because being a SAHP would kill my mental health), why I don't have a husband who earns enough for me to stay at home (I do, the choice to work is mine), and other such twatish comments.

Originalfoogirl · 13/12/2017 13:57

in an ideal world having a parent at home would be nicer for kids.

Mr Foo finishes work at 3, and is home by 4ish. Our girl goes to after school club. If he tries to pick her up before 5pm she complains and asks to stay longer.

Might be nicer for the parent, the children have their own ideas.

Cavender · 13/12/2017 14:00

I was criticised by other women for being a SAHM when my D.C. were little.

I was criticised by both men and women for going back to work full time when my D.C. were both at school.

For some reason no one at all seems to have any problem with me being a SAHM to school aged children following our move to the US.

I do what works best for me and what works best for my family. I have no intention of justifying any of it to anyone.

Trinity66 · 13/12/2017 14:00

Mr Foo finishes work at 3, and is home by 4ish. Our girl goes to after school club. If he tries to pick her up before 5pm she complains and asks to stay longer.

I'm not judging you just going by my own kids and own experiences

Lethaldrizzle · 13/12/2017 14:01

The way I saw it, I had/have most of my life to work, staying at home whilst the kids were tiny seemed like the natural thing to do. Wouldn't have had it any other way. Enjoy it. It doesn't last long!

swingofthings · 13/12/2017 14:02

Kids come in all shape and forms and what is right for one doesn't mean it has to be right for the other.

If I was totally honest with myself, I would say that being a career woman was the best for my daughter, but being a SAHM would have been better for my DS. my DS is more introverted and needs me more as a mum to be there to motivate him. He would have benefited from a dedicated energetic mum. DD is extremely ambitious, very social, in high need of stimulation. She loved going to nursery, and always wanted to do many activities. She is now 18 and always on the go. She would have been so bored with me at home, even if I'd been the perfect active mum as I don't think I could have given her the stimulation she desperately crave. She was one of those kids who always looked forward to going to nursery/clubs etc...

Not easy to do what is best when you kids with very different needs!

StickThatInYourPipe · 13/12/2017 14:03

In the real world I never see people actually judge for either choice, just lots of women feeling judged.

I met a woman once, asked what she did she said she was a SAHM. I was like ‘ah that’s nice’ not in a shitty way or anything just as a general response to carry on the conversation (would have had the same response to anything she said tbh) I thought she might ask what I did next but instead went into a frenzy about not being able to afford going back to work and wanting to stay home with the children while they were small etc etc. I wasn’t judging her, I couldn’t give less of a fuck about why she had made the choices she did. It was her that felt the need to justify, I didn’t ask or give any implication that I thought she was lazy or anything.

Fucking bizarre reaction and I get the general impression this is the way it goes most of the time.

Mrsfrumble · 13/12/2017 14:04

So High Flying Working Mum has a value system where her identity is wrapped up in her job, breaking glass ceilings and being free of the Patriarchy - finds it hard to understand a woman who might choose to stay home with her kids. SAHM believes she is giving the very best to her children by being there for them and keeping the home etc is scathing of working mums because they are outsourcing their childcare.

Not necessarily; that would imply that the choice is motivated by ideology rather than circumstance, which isn't always the case.

Anatidae · 13/12/2017 14:05

HOWEVER, I do judge those who make this choice willingly because it suits THEM and it was what THEY wanted, but when things go unfortunately wrong and they end up separating, they blame everyone else for their low income potential afterwards and expect their ex to continue to support them financially

But it’s a fair expectation. The split of assets should be equal. The maintenance is to recognise the fact that the sahp has made a contribution to the family.
What if that sahm has willingly given up her career then her husband fucks off with a younger model? He’s the one who broke the contract, he needs to make sure the wife isn’t disadvantaged.

There is certainly a lot to rail about in the fact that it’s societies expectations that the woman gives up her job potential. That’s it’s men who expect to be facilitated, but no one has a crystal ball and no one expects to go into marriage/sahm and then be dumped.

Rail against society and its patriarchal crap but don’t blame individuals who go j to it with good faith.

Willswife · 13/12/2017 14:10

No, couldn't give a monkey's what anyone else thinks or what judgements they may make.

It works for us, it was a choice we made as we felt it was best for our family.

AnachronisticCorpse · 13/12/2017 14:13

@YoloSwaggins, that’s why I said audience dependant. Only people that know I’m being a bit flip. He does earn enough, but that’s not the only reason I’m at home (mainly because I’m frequently too bloody unstable to hold a job).

MotherofKitties · 13/12/2017 14:14

I'd love to be a SAHM. My DD is 4 months and my first baby, and with no family nearby if I go back to work it'll be a nursery/child minder for her which I really don't want to do.

We could potentially manage if I become a SAHM, but we don't want to struggle either. I love my job, but I love being a mum more.

If anyone was to judge whatever a Mum decides - be it SAHM or going back to work - I would say sod anyone else's opinions and do what's best for you and your family.

PolarBearGoingSomewhere · 13/12/2017 14:17

HOWEVER, I do judge those who make this choice willingly because it suits THEM and it was what THEY wanted, but when things go unfortunately wrong and they end up separating, they blame everyone else for their low income potential afterwards and expect their ex to continue to support them financially

But most of the time a WOHP's career is able to take off to its fullest potential thanks to the SAHP. Overseas travel, late meetings, networking can all help WOHPs climb the greasy pole and is.made infinitely easier by reliable, flexible, "free" 24/7 childcare and life admin provided by a SAHP. Of course they♧ SAHP should have a share in the (financial) rewards even if they later seperate [hmmm]

Viviennemary · 13/12/2017 14:27

The one with the money is usually the one with the advantages. Nearly every day on MN there is a tale about financial abuse, splitting assets, loss of earnings potential by staying at home. It's not worth the risk IMHO except very short term.

PinkCrystal · 13/12/2017 14:36

I was a Sahm for 17 years and loved it. However I always felt judged and pressured about it. I am now a pt wohm and don't feel judged at all. I think there is more judging to sahm sadly.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/12/2017 14:42

I don't know if there is this much judgment in real life.

My one friend had her daughter, took a year off from her high flying legal career then went neck pregnant. Shell have another heart off with her son. I don't think they'll gave a third. Our other friend had a son, took 7 months off her medical career as is back for good now. I quit because I had a poorly child who needed me in a different way to if he'd been healthy. We all understand we're all doing what is best for our kids who we love more than anything

SleepingStandingUp · 13/12/2017 14:42

She'll have another year

gillybeanz · 13/12/2017 14:46

HOWEVER, I do judge those who make this choice willingly because it suits THEM and it was what THEY wanted, but when things go unfortunately wrong and they end up separating, they blame everyone else for their low income potential afterwards and expect their ex to continue to support them financially

Gosh, of course the wohp should continue to support their spouse on separation.
The fact the sahp gave up work to look after the children makes them completely dependant on the wohp, the money doesn't come from the pixies. I was/am 99% sure that our relationship will last until death do us part, but if it didn't I'm glad that we would be treated as financially equal.

toomuchtooold · 13/12/2017 14:47

Only on here - people in RL are less rude!

If anyone was rude enough to ask me to justify it ("isn't it just a nice word for unemployed","what do you do all day?") I would say

My DH and I were making over 200 grand together when I stopped working - I'm more "independently wealthy" than "unemployed", thanks for asking
Lots of cool stuff. Learning the language here, as I am a trailing spouse... planting the garden out with rasps and strawberries... I've learned how to make various sweets and stuff from Scotland that I can't buy here... played quite a lot of PS4, a pastime that has been sadly neglected since I had kids. I've started an online forum, I've made some progress in an artistic endeavour that I wanted to do for years and never had the chance. I do all the housework and stuff as well, I'm around if the kids are I'll, for doctor's appointments, the leccy man coming etc etc... so at the weekends we have time to hang out with the kids and have fun. It's a nice life.

PaxUniversalis · 13/12/2017 14:50

Why do you feel you have to add that you're not on benefits?

Being a SAHP is viewed differently by different people and in different countries. It's accepted in some countries and frowned upon in others.

Pseudousername · 13/12/2017 14:51

Trinity - I just mean in an ideal world having a parent at home would be nicer for kids

You are part of the problem love. You say you aren't judging parents who work out of the home, but you very clearly are.

I could quit my job and stay at home with the kiddo if I wished, however, in the ideal world for our family, I go out to work full time and he goes to nursery, which he absolutely loves and benefits from hugely.

oliveinacampervan · 13/12/2017 15:20

Being a SAHP is viewed differently by different people and in different countries. It's accepted in some countries and frowned upon in others.

Definitely frowned upon in the UK! (By some!)

oliveinacampervan · 13/12/2017 15:20

@swingofthings

I've never been a SAHM, always worked FT even as a single mum with two kids under 5. Do I judge SAHM? Absolutely not when they can afford to do so. There is nothing wrong at all with that choice.

HOWEVER, I do judge those who make this choice willingly because it suits THEM and it was what THEY wanted, but when things go unfortunately wrong and they end up separating, they blame everyone else for their low income potential afterwards and expect their ex to continue to support them financially.

What an ugly, gross, sexist, demeaning, patronising post!

You are talking as if the woman/sahm has just decided to drop her job and sit on her arse all day, watching tv and eating pot noodles! And when she can be arsed to go out, she dosses around having her nails painted and her hair done twice a week (at her poor hard working husband's expense of course!)

SAHMs find it hard enough to be respected, and not thought of as lazy freeloaders as it is, without stupid shit like YOU are spouting!

And why the hell SHOULDN'T the father (who carried on working) be responsible for supporting the mother of his children, (AND their children) if they split up?

For fuck's sake, I cannot believe someone would come out with such nasty sexist drivel! I thought we had come on in leaps and bounds as a society, and someone comes out with shit like this!

As a previous poster said, a man/father is WAY more likely to forge a successful career if he has the mother of his children at home. But I suppose some will say it was probably her who wanted the kids eh?

FFS!!!