To feel like I have to justify being a SAHM

[Emlou07]

I fully expect this to go down like a lead balloon...

Do any other SAHM/House wives feel like they have to justify themselves when someone asks what you do?

I always feel like I need to say 'I'm a SAHM, but I'm not claiming any benefits. I also don't just sit around all day'

Not that there is anything wrong with being on benefits!

pax yes men do benefit for the rest of their careers. Just as the hit women take if they have maternity leave has knocknon effects.

sleeping none of my posts are bashing sahms at all - it’s a choice that can benefit the family as I’ve said several times. You shouldn’t have to justify it and people shouldn’t be sniffy about it. It works for you and that’s that.

What I do think needs examining is the societal pressure that it’s the woman who takes the career hit. But that’s a societal issue, not an individual family issue. Sahm amd wohm are both equally valid choices for the family unit to make.

stretch you don’t need a sahp but you need facilitation of some kind. For many more men than women that’s in the form of a sahp. For some couples it’s a nanny/double nannies etc. But no unfacilitated parent is hitting the C suite because you cannot fly off at moments notice or stay late to talk to the west coast if you have no other childcare.

What I do think needs examining is the societal pressure that it’s the woman who takes the career hit. But that’s a societal issue, not an individual family issue. Sahm amd wohm are both equally valid choices for the family unit to make.

I fully agree with this!

I think these threads go badly because there are two separate issues;

1. An individual family’s choice
2. Wider societal issues.

An individual family can make the sahm choice and it can work absolutely fine for them.

There are wider issues about financial vulnerabilities and how society expects women not men to drop work. Those are problematic at a society level

Both are true, but of course 2 doesn’t always reflect the individual family. There are plenty of very happy functional families with a sahp and I can imagine that the judgement gets wearing.

We do what we deem best for our families - sometimes that choice is free and sometimes it’s more constrained by what society wants over what’s best for us. The latter is a problem, the former is not.

Again, I agree with everything you said. Absolutely spot on.

Och people are rude and patronising about everything on social media.

Why should being a SAHP have special status?

But putting that to one side it must surely be worth women discussing the impact of removing themselves from the work place?

To present such a discussion as off limits because it might upset a few rich women seems dodgy to me ( and I speak as a very rich woman).

But putting that to one side it must surely be worth women discussing the impact of removing themselves from the work place?

Yup, and there have been some fabulous threads over on feminism on the societal dynamics of this recently, with thoughtful contributions from stay at home and working parents and those who have done both.

It can be tricky to keep it to the society level - it can be seen as an implied criticism of people’s personal choices which is why it raises hackles, and I understand that.

I have been a largely sahp, and no I've never felt the need to justify it.
Maybe you don't value it and saying it makes you fringe, rather than anyone else needs justification?

Agreed anat.

And to have any real discussion we surely need to acknowledge that far from all women have any meaningful choice.

That women as a class are far more vulnerable than men. Becoming a SAHP is not a protected section of women's lives. Anyone who thinks that all SAHMs make an active choice and could just change things at the drop of a hat has a bit of learning to do.

Ok, well this thread has definitely made me rethink my comment upthread about people not judging! Blimey! Seems there is a lot of judgement out there.

I don't really understand why some people feel so strongly that other people should be working (if they're financially self-sufficient).

DH and I both work out of necessity and it's rubbish, we're both exhausted all the time and don't see enough of the DC. I don't really get why some people think we should all be aspiring to this lifestyle. I don't find it empowering or fulfilling - I have plenty of hobbies and interests which are more fulfilling than work. And our lives would be so much better if one of us (it wouldn't really matter which) were at home to take care of things and we weren't chasing our tails all the time.

I realise that's a dangerous thing to say as it sounds like I'm implying being a SAHP is easier and I'm really not. I just mean that for our family, I think having one of us at home would give all of us a better quality of life.

When I was I felt I had to. Now I wish I hadn't bothered - people still judge when you are working too

So it's ok to be rude and patronising because it's just the done thing online?

Lovely.

There are obviously some women forced to stay at home because they can't afford childcare. This is obviously an issue.

There are women who decide to become a SAHM even though the family budget will be tight. In my experience, these women do not SAHM for long, maybe a few years until the DC are at school. Very few women choose not to work while they bemoan their lack of spending power. If you need the money, you will generally do something about it.

Of course, there is an issue that women's salaries take a hit during this period and this is a big issue on a societal level. However, it is for the individual to weigh up the pros and cons.

Most women who are longer term SAHMs are probably, as an average, less financially vulnerable than the majority of working women - otherwise they just wouldn't put themselves in that position long-term.

No one said it's okay blah.

But when you start using it to shut down all debate, that's a poor reason.

glit there are lots of reasons why women leave the work place.

• child care costs
• inability to find appropriate child care.
• fathers not supporting the mothers
• fathers refusing to do their fair share at home
• mothers believing fathers are incapable
• work place prejudice
• cultural pressure

Caution - I totally accept that, of course. There are also women who actively prefer to be able to focus on their families without the interference of a job and they find they are fortunate to be in a position to to that. Yet they are told they bowing to societal pressure and leaving themselves disempowered as a result. We all conform to societal pressure in some way, it's unavoidable.

Children come into the world and need looking after. If I feel societal pressure to be at home (whether this be down to instinct, a belief that DH should /could not do it, workplace or other societal pressures), the flip side is that DH feels equal societal pressure to be the financial provider. Which one of us has more or less choice depends on how you look at it.

The alternative would be to work around each other (usually not viable and stressful) or to both work and outsource childcare - again, this comes with its own setbacks. To me it seems there is no perfect solution. Being told we can "have it all" is generally a fallacy, for men and women.

I agree with Otherdoor, when I was working I didn't find it empowering or fulfilling. The point is I still find myself judged and have to justify why I'm taking the time to be a SAHP. I'm fortunate to get recruiters interested still in my IT skillset (even after a year off) but I dislike having to explain why I'm taking time out to have them (I had one insensitive recruiter who didn't get it until I said everyone in my family has died). And I had a very kind male friend repeatedly offer me a job and say there's a mum here with two younger kids and I could do it too. The point isn't if I can do it - I can. But I'm mindful of what kind of stress that job role entails.

To the point above, why don't we value being SAHP?

Nurturing my child has paid dividends more to our relationship, it's everything to me. I do miss childcare we had an angel of a childminder when we were both working) but I can't justify the expense. And my relationship to DH is great - I have time to listen to his stress and woes whereas before I was stressed to the max. He values what I'm doing but I had to get smart on spending/saving to keep myself sane.

And you know what, I'd love to work and be paid what I'm worth within the hours that my child is at school or in bed - but even in IT, it's challenging when you return to work to be given the trust initially (it's not a tech barrier but a perception - I felt I also had to justify myself when WFH for 2 days as a parent)

Would love to read the other more thoughtful posts if anyone has the links.

I am a SAHM and on benefits. i get judged daily but by people who know diddly squat about me so i just think screw them

Sorry you feel like you have to justify yourself but aren't you worried about accidentally saying something like that to someone who is on benefits? I would never judge someone for being a SAHM but I probably would judge someone if they gave me that little speech, because I'd feel defensive and like they were judging me!

I am a sahm and this sums up how I feel on the subject ...

myfamilyhomeblog.wordpress.com/2017/06/13/preschool-childcare-do-we-really-want-it/

I don't think people expect justification, that says more about the person being asked the question not the person adsking it.

If it's self funded it's at their own risk financially and they know the impact of the lesson it sends to their children re the roles of boys and girls.

If it's at the cost to the state and other workers then rightly so people will judge someone unemployed and not supporting their family.

I never try to justify it with those I meet. People who understand our family's circumstances can see why.

jules - good link, I agree with much of that. I just never wanted to use day nurseries or nannies - you could have paid me to have them and I still wouldn't have wanted to. It's not that I didn't enjoy my job, this is just how I felt after DC came along.

I would never judge a SAHM. I worry about them, as the vast majority do not protect their financial future adequately. But I admire their courage in taking that risk.

Jules, rubbish link, because it says this:
"Like many parents Iwanttobe there for my children; I believe that my kids will only thrive if they are cared for by either myself or my husband."

Well, obviously us working parents don't want to be there for our kids. And, for what it's worth, my DD is 'thriving' in nursery and with her grandparents so clearly that second sentence is bollocks.

This is what gets people's backs up. By all means be a SAHM or a WOHM or a PTWM but don't go around telling everyone else that the way you're doing it is better than the way everyone else is doing it. If your kids are loved and well looked after they're fine. So are mine. Period.

Don't justify, OP. None of us should have to do that.