To feel like I have to justify being a SAHM

[Emlou07]

I fully expect this to go down like a lead balloon...

Do any other SAHM/House wives feel like they have to justify themselves when someone asks what you do?

I always feel like I need to say 'I'm a SAHM, but I'm not claiming any benefits. I also don't just sit around all day'

Not that there is anything wrong with being on benefits!

This is one of the reasons I say I'm studying or wfh instead of saying SAHM. I had a full time job in the city. I don't want the judgement. I lost my dad & father in law last year and just really needed time to be at home after taking care of them both thru cancer while working - it was traumatic to say the least. But now as a SAHM, I don't always feel like I want to explain why I'm around or sometimes when I need space (I volunteer for PTA and the supportive women are few and far between but I think it's important for the school). It would be a kinder place if people just thought in their head not to judge unless they knew the circumstances.

Choosing to be a parent doesn't give any of us special status.

I don't think we can or should expect to receive validation/kudos/gratitude for making that choice.

How we choose to fullfill the responsibilities of parenting is subjective and personal. Appreciation from outside isn't necessary.

I think the need to justify (or not) being a SAHM largely depends in your social circle and the area you live in.

For instance we live in an affluent area of London. Most of the DHs are investment bankers, company directors, entrepreneurs etc. At my DC's prep, I would say 80% of mum's are SAHMs. If I think of the ones I meet regularly, we all have at least 3 DC and husbands with extremely full-on jobs who are also away a lot.

I honestly never realised being a SAHM was such a contentious issue for so many until I came on MN. All the debating about financial vulnerability, inequality etc - I don't recognise any of these issues as being relevant to any of the women I know.

In our case, DH does what he needs to do and I do what I need to do and it's absolutely fine. We have our roles and the family works better this way. DH prefers it and so do I. We rely on nobody else. Nobody has ever asked me what I do. Maybe it's because everyone who knows us also knows what DH is like and also we have 4 DC which is very different to having 2, whether they're in school or not.

glit you cannot be that unaware of how the vast majority of women live.

I also live in la la land and sent my DC to public schools but I'm not stupid.

I wasn't going to post again. But reading glit's post has made me. You must move in very narrow circles. I know people richer than me and I also know people who are a lot poorer. People need to be aware of pitfalls of being SAHM's even if they are married to merchant bankers which must be the minority. School fees, mortgages, holidays all have to be paid for when you get divorced and that's presumably where all the problems arise. But head in the sand and it won't ever happen to me is just naïve and best and stupid at worst.

What g1itterati said.

I stopped working (full time
City lawyer) in July and am now a stay at home mother, expecting our fourth child in the new year. I don’t feel I have to justify it, I have done three pregnancies and maternity leaves in the city and worked full time between each pregnancy. However, I do wonder how I would feel if I hadn’t worked in such a full on job for so long. I have done the all nighters / huge deals / wearing heels and suits and it was not going to work having both of us out working full time with children all born two years apart. Well not in the way we wanted to raise our family (sounds an awful lot like I am justifying myself!).

We live in a very affluent area and there are many SAHMs. In fact in my oldest son’s class I think I was only one of two who worked full time, five days.

I have never had to deal with snarky comments since being a SAHM, in fact I got more ‘how do you do it’ and ‘how did you do it for so long’ comments. I think it depends very much of the people in your social circle.

I think g1itterati was just saying how she has found being a SAHM (which was the original question right?), not that it was the same for everyone....

There must a a lot of women on MN who live in affluent areas and who are married to merchant bankers. I think the picture will be very different if you asked mums in less affluent places.

Also being married to a high earning man doesn't necessarily mean that your own degree (if you have one), professional skills and ambitions should just be ignored. It's all very 1950s. It somehow doesn't sound fair in this day and age. I'm sure there are enough professional couples who both pursue high earning and worthwhile careers.

Of course I'm aware that other women (and men) live differently - but obviously, if being a SAHM means you are financially at risk or you feel somehow downtrodden, then you probably won't make the decision to become a SAHM in the first place.

All the women I know had good careers before DC. I would say most of us left work at the age of 30 -ish. If you have 3+ DC then obviously that is going to be a significant life change so you make your decisions accordingly - in terms of your family finances and aspirations.

I can honestly say, DH and I never had a big conversation about either of us feeling curtailed by the other's choices. Life is busy enough without complicating things for the sake of it.

Pax, of course in the situation you describe (grown up children, one non worker and a divorce)the working partner wouldn't be expected to pay forever. In that situation spousal maintenance is very unlikely to be granted, the marital assets would be split with the wife probably getting a share of his pension to reflect her loss of earnings whilst at home with the dc.

Well I'm married to a senior partner of a city law firm. And I sent my kids to private schools.

But I've always known people beyond those parameters and I've always been able to use my intelligence, knowledge and imagination to get that not everyone lives that way.

Very special skills I know.

I live in a village which has a comparatively large military presence

That probably skews the SAHM ratio for younger children at least

I’m sort of an accidental sahm, as I was made redundant while on maternity leave with dc1! I love it though and consider it a privilege, although not strictly a ‘choice’ as most people are calling it here. I am expecting our second dc now, (bit of a surprise pregnancy). After he / she is born, I am planning to get back to work ASAP. I’ve loved being at home, but for me, it was never my ‘Plan A’ and I really hate not having my own income. The thing I’ve discovered since being a sahm though, is that arranging a job interview is tricky unless your dc are at school or you have childcare. So, although my ‘choice’ would be to be at work, it’s not as easy as it sounds.

I don’t know how I feel about spousal support... I don’t think it’s as simple as “no ex spouse should have it” or “every ex spouse should have it”. I didn’t think it was that simple, but that it depended on the case. But from reading this thread it seems it’s more clear cut, unless I’m misunderstanding.

Re feeling as if you need to justify being a sahm, hmmm I don’t know if I normally would irl. Only on MN! It’s not something I’m especially ashamed of nor especially smug about.

Not one is so stupid that they don't realise that many women do not make a meaningful choice as to whether they work or SAH.

Caution - I get tired of people on MN telling SAHMs that they are shortsighted, etc. I'm saying that this is simply not the case from my perspective. Yes it is just a perspective, as is every other post on here.

I'm sure there are many SAHMs in precarious positions. There are many working mums in precarious positions.

Many women are financially better off from being a SAHM - even in the case of divorce. This is a reality too. SAHMs are no more naive than the next woman in my experience.

Pax, of course in the situation you describe (grown up children, one non worker and a divorce)the working partner wouldn't be expected to pay forever. In that situation spousal maintenance is very unlikely to be granted, the marital assets would be split with the wife probably getting a share of his pension to reflect her loss of earnings whilst at home with the dc.

I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve been told on here I’m an idiot, DP could up and leave me fucked with 3 kids (I have my own assets and always have done), that he’ll cheat or do one because it’s what always happens blah blah blah. The fact is, we chose what is right for our family. I don’t judge SAHP, and I don’t judge parents who work. Nowt to do with me what anyone else chooses to do for their own family.

The place I've most felt judged for being a SAHM is on mumsnet. A lot of women here like to assume we're all incredibly naive and be quite patronising about it. The way I see it is if a couple with 2 working parents divorce the family will have to downsize due to the loss of one income. If my husband and I divorce we will have to downsize due to the loss of one income. I wouldn't be earning a fortune now if i was working and i could probably achieve a similar level of pay if i had to find a job due to divorce. I'm doing whats best for my family with all the information i have right now.
In the wider world I don't think most people care if you're working or not, especially if your family is self sufficient.

Yes glit I can see how horrid it must be to read women advising other women to protect themselves. Truly exhausting.

Exactly Blah. If I went back to work now, the money I could earn would make no difference in the event of a split anyway. This is the case for a high proportion of SAHMs. If, over the years, not having an income of "my own" had made any difference to our lifestyle then obviously I would have done something about it by now.

YesglitI can see howhorridit must be to read women advising other women to protect themselves. Truly exhausting.

To be honest, most of the women on here aren't issuing advice out of the goodness of their hearts. It's done with a tone of superiority most of the time. It's not my mother or best friend being worried about my future. It means nothing to you if I live in a 6 bed detached or a 1 room bedsit. It's very patronising to assume I haven't weighed up all the risks and benefits and decided that staying at home is best for my family.

A lot of women give very good advice on MN for no other reason than they can.

They base it on legal knowledge and the facts. Not anecdotal evidence from West London.

You're free to ignore it if it doesn't apply to you. But to dispute it and try to shut it down is not right.

Yes and I've seen a couple of women give it kindly. Along the lines of 'if indeed a SAHM I'd be concerned about how I'd manage with the lack of career if we divorced"

That isn't how it's usually presented.

The OP posted about feeling she needs to justify her lifestyle. Predictably, as on any SAHM thread, talk has turned to people talking about the financial vulnerability of SAHMs, as if this is a given. All this "advice" may well not be relevant to her, that's all I'm saying.

A lot of women give very good advice on MN for no other reason than they can

This is very true. It’s also true that there are posters who are patronising, rude and condescending to SAHMs.