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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I have to justify being a SAHM

288 replies

Emlou07 · 13/12/2017 12:29

I fully expect this to go down like a lead balloon...

Do any other SAHM/House wives feel like they have to justify themselves when someone asks what you do?

I always feel like I need to say 'I'm a SAHM, but I'm not claiming any benefits. I also don't just sit around all day'

Not that there is anything wrong with being on benefits!

OP posts:
Fairylea · 13/12/2017 13:13

I find it interesting that people are so ready to judge others. I’ve been a full time working, high earning single mum when my eldest (now 14) was little. I’m now a sahm, due to my own health problems and ds aged 5 have severe autism- working just isn’t really possible and I don’t want to. So I don’t. I wouldn’t dream of judging anyone else for their choices or lives.

I don’t feel I have to justify myself if anyone asks. Everyone is ready to judge everyone for everything anyway!

LittleLionMansMummy · 13/12/2017 13:15

it is surely nicer for the kids to have a parent home with them

Nicer than what though? Unless there's a big change in circumstances that results in a child of 3 or 4 suddenly being looked after by a non parent when they've not been used to it, they don't know any different. They're used to it. It's normal and they have nothing to compare it to.

Ds (7) has known his cm since 9 months. His eyes well up every time we discuss potentially moving him to a different cm to be nearer home. His best friends are there too. I remember taking a week off work to take him to school every day during his first week in reception. By day 2 he was asking when his cm would be taking him and picking him up. That is what is normal to him, his routine, what he is used to.

Yes, when he's sick, upset, or wakes in the night it's me he wants (which does at least salvage some of my parental self esteem!) but the rest of the time his preference is to be with his friends in the company of another much trusted and loved adult.

It could be suggested that it's nicer for the adult to have the kids at home, but dc who have been brought up in the company of other adults while their parents work very rarely wish it was different - if as a parent you have chosen your childcare wisely and encouraged a strong and trusting relationship.

Mewswalk22 · 13/12/2017 13:15

I say that I am not in “paid” work as the implication of not being at work would indicate I don’t work and I work really hard all day (and night at times).

AnachronisticCorpse · 13/12/2017 13:16

I just usually say ‘oh, I’m a drain on society’ and then laugh. Silly, really, but you’re right, I do feel I need to justify it.

Or sometimes I say that I don’t need to because dh earns a shit tonne but that’s kind of audience dependent.

otherdoor · 13/12/2017 13:18

I suppose if you feel you have to justify it, try not to do it while simultaneously judging another group of people...

Honestly it's never occurred to me to judge another mother for their SAHM/WOHM choice. It really hasn't. I don't feel like others are judging mine either - but maybe I am wrong.

The only time I did slightly judge was when someone said, in a sickly sweet voice, "oh, I'm just a mummy!" That was a bit weird.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/12/2017 13:19

Mewswalk22 if just assume you volunteered somewhere.
If I worked and someone said what do you do i wpuldnt say well I'm a see retry from 9-5 then I'm off to my unpaid job until 8 am the next day

SleepingStandingUp · 13/12/2017 13:19

Secretary

littlepeas · 13/12/2017 13:20

Just be confident about it! I used to go into a monologue about how me going back to work wouldn't have worked financially (I fell pregnant with dc2 whilst on mat leave for dc1 and would have gone back 7 months pregnant...) and how my career wasn't family friendly. Now, I just say 'I don't work' and leave it at that. My dc are all at school, so I spend my days doing yoga and going for coffee - I still feel no need to justify it, I'm over that now Grin.

YoloSwaggins · 13/12/2017 13:21

Or sometimes I say that I don’t need to because dh earns a shit tonne

That's sort of
a) gloating
b) implies people only work because they HAVE to

I like my job and the sense of achievement/social life/routine it brings and wouldn't quit even if my partner earned hundreds of thousands.

oliveinacampervan · 13/12/2017 13:22

@Emlou07

They're jealous jealous jealous!!! Grin

Just enjoy your stay at home mommage! And ignore the haters. Smile

(not sure mommage is a word!) Confused

I have to work and I am soooo jealous of sahm's. It must be great to stay at home with your kids.

(Not meant as a put down btw. If you can stay home, then do.) Smile

Having said that, if mothers decide to go back part time (or full time) as they function better as a human being when they are at their job, (or they need the money,) then that's fine too! Whatever makes you happy, just do it, and fucking bollocks to anyone who comments! As has been said; if everyone is happy with the situation, children of working moms will fare just as well as children of sahm's.

It's actually quite good for them to go to childminders and nurseries at a young age, as it socialises them and makes them mix with their peers (not just siblings and cousins etc.) Having said that, it is of course possible to do this when you are a sahm; you can take them to playgroups and suchlike, so there is no right or wrong!

Why people feel the need to question and bash and berate peoples life choices just baffles me to fuckery. My lovely cousin (who I am close to and is like a sister to me,) has 2 kids (primary age) and she works 2.5 days a week. (She works for the Civil service and worked full time for 10 years before going part time after her first child.)

She gets asked CONSTANTLY by people at work, (a couple of women AND a couple of men, including her manager/boss,) when she is going full time again. They say 'your kids are old enough now for you to go full time, they don't need you.' (FFS, your kids ALWAYS need you! Such a cunty comment!) And this has been going on (on and off) for about 7-8 years.

And yeah, so she is always bashed. She is thinking of moving on, to somewhere else - and working 2 days a week, where she (hopefully) won't get nagged to go full time. She can afford to work part time, her kids love her being around quite a lot, and her husband loves her being home a lot too. Everyone is happy with it. So why don't people just fuck off? Hmm

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 13/12/2017 13:22

Yes! "I'm at home in the day but I work at x y z in the evenings"! I shouldn't feel like this, I'm working longer hours and harder working than when I had an office job!!

cleanandtidyhouse · 13/12/2017 13:23

I say I'm taking a career break while my kids are small.

BitOutOfPractice · 13/12/2017 13:24

WOTH mothers also have to explain...who looks after their kids, why bother having kids if you're never going to spend time with them, don't you realise they're only small once etc etc etc

It's not SAHM mothers or WOHM - it's mothers in general who have to constantly explain and apologise

Kannet · 13/12/2017 13:25

I became a sahp two years ago. I made a conscious decision to never justify it to anyone. If anyone asks why I will tell them but I won't justify it.

EmmaJR1 · 13/12/2017 13:25

I feel like I have to do this even to my DH! He doesn't give a flying monkey but I still feel the need to do it! It's infuriating and definitely a character flaw!

Wishfulmakeupping · 13/12/2017 13:26

I always try and qualify it too which I consciously know I don't need to but I still always add 'but I do a lot of voluntary work and I'm studying too'
I annoy myself'

gillybeanz · 13/12/2017 13:32

I was a sahm for 25 years and never felt like I had to justify myself.
I think on here you may feel like it because you'll come across lots of differing opinions and situations.
Nobody likes to think they've made a bad decision, if they haven't and this is usually when some people feel they need to justify their choice.

I don't judge other people's choices and understand that sometimes some people don't have a choice what they do.
I do say that it was better for my family, including myself that I didn't work, but these were our circumstances and nobody elses.

Viviennemary · 13/12/2017 13:33

Not this again! Still I always answer. That's up to you whether you justify it or not. I wouldn't like to be completely financially dependent on another adult.

MrsFrisbyMouse · 13/12/2017 13:35

I find it tends to become a matter of different identities and if we perceive another person as having the opposite 'values' to us. So High Flying Working Mum has a value system where her identity is wrapped up in her job, breaking glass ceilings and being free of the Patriarchy - finds it hard to understand a woman who might choose to stay home with her kids. SAHM believes she is giving the very best to her children by being there for them and keeping the home etc is scathing of working mums because they are outsourcing their childcare.

Daft thing is all the alternative viewpoints can be true because there is no one answer and it is all a matter of perception, choice and identity.

I think we have to stop tying up our own identities so much in our value systems and not to see that someone who is 'other' than us is less 'valuable' than us.

InDubiousBattle · 13/12/2017 13:37

Do I feel the need to justify being a SAHM? I don't know, it's hard to explain. I've been judged and challenged about a quite a few times and I suppose under those circumstances I do feel the need to justify it. Usually I just say that I'm at home with the kids and smile and nod at whatever the response is.

Original poster
Emlou07 · 13/12/2017 13:41

@Honeybooboo123

I don't work or have a business Blush

OP posts:
Aki99 · 13/12/2017 13:41

My DH is a SAHD - his job is caring for our child - whilst it is nice to come home to a cooked meal and jobs done it isn't actually necessary. Fuck what everyone else says. Although in my experience it was me getting the questions - aren't I missing out on things? Erm no - there are such things as cameras for photos and films if something interesting happens whilst im away and also Im there every evening and weekend.

InDubiousBattle · 13/12/2017 13:43

Do I feel the need to justify being a SAHM? I don't know, it's hard to explain. I've been judged and challenged about a quite a few times and I suppose under those circumstances I do feel the need to justify it. Usually I just say that I'm at home with the kids and smile and nod at whatever the response is.

Trinity66 · 13/12/2017 13:45

SleepingStandingUp I understand that, that wasn't the point I was trying to make though, of course I know its not always possible for the reasons you've said, I just mean in an ideal world having a parent at home would be nicer for kids. I don't mean to come across preachy, I', not a SAHM, when my kids were younger I was lucky to be able to go part time until they were at school age and after that my husbands job allowed him to be home during the time they finished school so that was great for them as well but I'm well aware that's not always possible for people

Trinity66 · 13/12/2017 13:46

Stretchoutandwait

See my post to SleepingStandingUp

I'm not a SAHM by the way

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