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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be surprised at his reaction?

382 replies

CowPatRoberts · 27/05/2017 19:01

Been with DP a while and earlier we're discussing about what we'd do if we had children, and who's name they'd take. I've always been very clear that if I got married I'd keep my maiden name, it's never really been much of a problem and I thought he understood my point of view.

But today it came up that he thinks if we had children that it's totally non negotiable- they'd take his name. Went on about 'surrendering his identity' and 'destroying his heritage' and honestly I'm a bit Hmm about it all. He's almost militant about this, but I don't see why it's unthinkable for him to do it but totally fine for me. Am I nuts?

His argument seems to be based on the face that I have one more brother than he does, but other than that it's just 'the done thing'

OP posts:
redshoeblueshoe · 27/05/2017 19:06

I don't understand his argument - you've got one more brother ?
And Confused

Run4Fun · 27/05/2017 19:12

Double barrel the children's surname. Your maiden name-His surname.

talulahbelle · 27/05/2017 19:13

Girls have your name, boys have his? With the other name as a middle name. That's what my SIL and her partner did.

LynetteScavo · 27/05/2017 19:14

He wants to pass on his name to his children

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 27/05/2017 19:15

Maybe you need to dig deeper on the male chauvinism. .
Would he change a nappy for example or would that be your job???

LynetteScavo · 27/05/2017 19:15

Posted too soon.....And he wants people to know the DC are his...I don't think he's being unreasonable.

If you want them to have your name they can have both.

Empireoftheclouds · 27/05/2017 19:17

Well why is his desire to give his kids his name not as imrtant as your desire to keep your name Confused

Empireoftheclouds · 27/05/2017 19:18

*important

fc301 · 27/05/2017 19:18

YABU. Majority of children take their fathers name (dons flame suit).
Men are not like women. Because they don't physically bear the children they need to feel that the children are definitely theirs. It's an evolutionary thing.

MsVestibule · 27/05/2017 19:19

So he thinks that if/when your brother has children, they'll carry on the 'family name', so you don't need to?

I was unmarried when I had my DCs and they took my surname. It's not that common, but surely not that freakish, either? Only one person expressed surprise ('was your DP OK with that?') and one told me I was selfish Confused but no comments apart from that.

What are the legal aspects of this if you're married? Do either one of you have more rights over the other? Not that you particularly want a legal battle!

Bluntness100 · 27/05/2017 19:19

What name do you want them to have yours? So is the post really you want them to have yours and he wants them to have his?

So why do your desires trump his? Double barrel it.

Chloe84 · 27/05/2017 19:22

I imagine OP would want double barrelled names for her kids.

And if a man needs his kids to have his name only to feel he is their dad then he is a crap dad.

ToastDemon · 27/05/2017 19:22

Given that naming conventions differ from culture to culture, it's definitely not an evolutionary thing fc301.

reup · 27/05/2017 19:23

My husband or partner as he was then was totally obsessed with this too. It was sooo strange as he is not like that in any other area. I was so shocked and we had a big row about it in a cafe! He's been the most hands on dad ever and does his fair share or more around the house. I kept my name when we married and the kids have his name. In principal I disagree with it but I had a bad relationship with my useless dad so didn't care if they didn't have his name. Also our first child's name would have sounded awful with my surname. He has this v sentimental thing about his dad (who was not that great as a dad in many ways ) who had a very hard Angela's ashes type childhood. I think it must stem from that. Carrying on the line and all that bollocks.

Rabbit01 · 27/05/2017 19:25

I totally understand the not wanting to take his name and getting upset about how sexist it all is. The only thing I would think about is that it might get complicated when kids are at school if you and children or he and children have different names. I sucked it up in the end and took his name to make life easy on the future kids and us both, mail, bank accounts etc. But totally not saying you should do this, each to their own. My husband offered to double barrel his name with mine pre marriage, which was sweet so that did make it all feel better. I do hope you manage to come to an agreement. Sleep on it for a while, don't rush into pushing for a resolution on this imo. I have to admit that I like us all having the same name now...

TheweewitchRoz · 27/05/2017 19:28

Reup, that sounds very much like my DH - he's the most laid back, hands on, non-chauvinistic guy but was militant about the DCs name. To be fair, we had the discussion before we got married so I could have walked away but we got married & I changed my name as I wanted the DC to have the same name as me too.

Sorry Op, that's a long way to say that you're not wrong, but I don't think he is either. Hope you find a way forward.

Phoebefromfriends · 27/05/2017 19:33

Frankly this kind of thing really winds me up, women risk their lives and pelvic floor to have children, just because there weren't DNA test years ago fathers pass on their name when their hardship finished with an orgasm..... I would dig deeper into this issue and definitely resist, either double-barrel it or invent a new family name you all adopt.

reup · 27/05/2017 19:34

Also I have 2 boys and they tell me they think its odd for women to change their name when they get married and the youngest said he thinks the kids should have the mothers name - so I've hopefully changed that obsession.

Having different names to my kids has only once caused a problem (apart from occasionally being called by the wrong name) at passport control in Italy - the woman couldn't understand that I was married with kids but we didn't have the same name. I was with my Dh so now I always send him through with the kids so there's no hassle.

brasty · 27/05/2017 19:35

Some countries have always named their children after the mother's surname.
I think OP you need to do some serious talking about how he sees you two operating if you had a child. I would worry that he was assuming you will adopt traditional sex roles, and you will be left with most of the work. So talk now, before you even think of having a child together.

Slimthistime · 27/05/2017 19:36

YANBU at all
Don't some countries have the child take the mother's name?

Just don't go calling anyone cow pat, inc your DH, no matter how annoyed you are. And I really really get the annoyance.

nannybeach · 27/05/2017 19:38

I know people who get married dont want to change their name, wear a wedding ring, why bother to get married! Never used to be an issue, if you marry Mr John Smith in the eyes of the law you are Mrs John Smith, NOT Mrs Jane Smith, I know Teachers Doctors tend to keep their maiden names for work, but I have seen it cause problems,

JassyRadlett · 27/05/2017 19:39

It's an evolutionary thing.

It's really not. In Britain, last names have only been around since medieval times.

JassyRadlett · 27/05/2017 19:40

I know people who get married dont want to change their name, wear a wedding ring, why bother to get married!

For less superficial reasons?

if you marry Mr John Smith in the eyes of the law you are Mrs John Smith, NOT Mrs Jane Smith

This is totally untrue.

Jupitar · 27/05/2017 19:42

My ex was adamant that the kids had his surname, though god knows why cos it wasn't his Dads surname. I was happy to go along with this as I dislike my surname and think his is a much better name anyway.
I dislike double barrel names, what happens when Amy jones-smith has a child with jack jones-brown Grin

OwlinaTree · 27/05/2017 19:42

This is always difficult if you choose not to change your name when you marry.

I believe children should have their mother's surname, often this is the father's surname as they are married and the woman had changed her name so everyone had the same name. However in a situation such as this the father 'loses out' as although he may have no issue with the wife not changing her name he may still want his surname for his children.

You could double barrel, I had a double barrel name and I hated it, but they are more common now so your children may be ok with it.

It's a tough one.

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