To be surprised at his reaction?

[CowPatRoberts]

Been with DP a while and earlier we're discussing about what we'd do if we had children, and who's name they'd take. I've always been very clear that if I got married I'd keep my maiden name, it's never really been much of a problem and I thought he understood my point of view.

But today it came up that he thinks if we had children that it's totally non negotiable- they'd take his name. Went on about 'surrendering his identity' and 'destroying his heritage' and honestly I'm a bit about it all. He's almost militant about this, but I don't see why it's unthinkable for him to do it but totally fine for me. Am I nuts?

His argument seems to be based on the face that I have one more brother than he does, but other than that it's just 'the done thing'

in the eyes of the law you are Mrs John Smith, NOT Mrs Jane Smith

Sorry but that is complete bollocks. Please point us to the law which specifically states that upon marriage, a woman MUST take her husband's surname regardless of whether she uses it or not. And explain how exactly that argument stacks up in the case of a marriage between a same-sex couple ? How do they determine whose name becomes 'the name'? A testosterone test? A wresting competition?

I know people who get married dont want to change their name, wear a wedding ring, why bother to get married
Although I did both that is not why I got married. What a daft thing to say.

Oops that should have been Jack johson-brown

if you marry Mr John Smith in the eyes of the law you are Mrs John Smith, NOT Mrs Jane Smith,. LOL

And I continue to be surprised at the volume of people who genuinely believe that you must take your husband's name. Including those working at financial institutions - like the woman at a loan company who insisted that I had to change my name upon marriage and that they would charge me a £250 'processing fee' for the pleasure. I promised to get back to her and never did. Strangely they continued to manage to take my monthly repayments and the whole banking system didn't collapse despite me not updating my name...

Double barrel is so effected . Hate it .

Same with keeping your own name . What is this nonsense ? If you aren't a Mrs then why even bother being married ? Perhaps I'm old but I truly do not get it . .Seems controlling.

Nannybeach, you time travelled from.....?

Why is it a daft thing to say ? I only ever see on MN those whom HATE HATE HATE being a Mrs . Truly bizarre

X post
Ah, now I see nannybeach had a travelling companion!

"It's an evolutionary thing." Is it fuck. It's a social (in our society patriarchal) construct. In Iceland (I believe, willing to be proved wrong) the suffix dottir denotes the matriarchal lineage.
But that apart, it's his vehemence and zealotry on this matter that would get my goat. What other things is he going to beat his chest over?

HeyHoThereYouGo657 how right you are. It is soooo controlling to choose to keep your own name, and insisting others women change their name when they don't want to is not controlling at all.

And if you are not going change your name and to be a Mrs, what's the point in being married?

Actually hold on, why on earth do men get married as that is the only bit that is important?

What's controlling about it?

Or do you think that a woman's wishes and feelings automatically take second place the moment that she says 'I will'?

I stand corrected. Cack handedly trying to sympathise with men.
I'm mid forties, married, a Mrs, have his name, kids have his name. No problems.

It does seem to be the 'done thing' for them kids to get the father's name but I don't understand why. Of the women I know who kept their names on marriage for specifically feminist reasons, all of them unquestioningly gave the children his name. To me, I really wanted a family name - dh was happy for us all to have mine but I chose his for aesthetic reasons. I do sometimes wish I'd gone for mine because I have grown to feel more strongly feminist (I married young and have got more informed with age!) but I can't deny that our family name is lovely. I do think it shouldn't be the default to go with the father's surname and I know I wouldn't be happy to have a different name to my children.

Why is it a daft thing to say ?

What, that the main reasons for getting married are the more superficial/ostentatious LOOK I'M MARRIED ones?

I take my vows a little more seriously than that, despite (gasp) not changing my name.

Yes in Iceland girls take (mums name)dottir. Boys take (dadsname)son.

Why is your view more valid than his and why does your desire for them to have your name worthy of more respect than his.

Now that you have had the conversation and you both know where each other stand on the issue, then you must decide whether you want to have kids together. Seems not.

Sometimes, I think people have unnecessary fights over simple things just to prove a point.

Recently I had to renew my son's passport. Reading the instructions for the renewal, I was surprised to see that if my husband was the one filling in the form on behalf of our son, he would have had to provide proof. As the mother, I did not even though I do not have the same surname as my son. I can only imagine the hassle for a father if the child does not have his surname.

How important is this issue to you. I have kept my maiden name but really can't see any reason to deny the father of my child the privilege to pass on his surname. I don't feel the need to prove anything by having such a pointless fight. If it was about me bearing his surname, then yes. I would fight about that.

In Spain children get a double barrel name and I think it's a very good way to deal with things. After all, why should these children been denied the right to say loud and clear that they have two parents?
I also think it's a very good think if you were ever to get divorced too

Also a good compromise. If you do really want yur dcs to have your surname, why should you deny that to the other parent??

Surely most people's maidens names are their Fathers surnames anyway? Not their mothers? So why not revert to your mothers maiden name if you're that bothered. I liked changing my name when I got married.

I'm really confused by the people saying don't get married if you won't change your name or wear a wedding ring?

There are more reasons than those two, really quite superficial, reasons, to get married. I DID change my name and whilst I own a wedding ring, I never wear it so I have 50% of the apparent 'reasons' for marriage but my marriage is happy and stable either way. My lack of wearing a wedding ring, or my friend's lack of surname change doesn't actually mean anything in the long run does it?

fc I'm married too, I got DH name and the dcs have his name.
The dcs have his name because I took DH name.
I have DH name because I'm not British and it was much easier than keeping my maiden name.

In retrospect, I should have gone for a double barrelled name.

And whatever name I have has had absolutely no effect to at all on how my relationship has gone (it's just that I have become more and more feminist in my approach!)

Surely most people's maidens names are their Fathers surnames anyway?

Same for men. So?

We double-barrelled our surnames as this was the compromise we could both live with. I didn't feel comfortable being 'left out' of the family name and don't think that in the 21 century we needs to be clinging to traditions rooted in less enlightened times. In addition it will make things a lot easier when traveling etc. DD might curse me when she has to name her own children though

I know people who get married dont want to change their name, wear a wedding ring, why bother to get married!

Hahahaha!

Well we did it for next of kin reasons and inheritance rights.

I don't wear jewellery and I feel no need to change my name.

Also that would then leave our children with a different surname to both of their parents .

We ended up saying that if we had a boy first, the kids would have my surname as a middle name and his as their last name. Vice versa if it was a girl first. Figured that way the kids all had the same last name and if the parent who didn't 'match' wanted to, they had the option to change their last name whenever.