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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be surprised at his reaction?

382 replies

CowPatRoberts · 27/05/2017 19:01

Been with DP a while and earlier we're discussing about what we'd do if we had children, and who's name they'd take. I've always been very clear that if I got married I'd keep my maiden name, it's never really been much of a problem and I thought he understood my point of view.

But today it came up that he thinks if we had children that it's totally non negotiable- they'd take his name. Went on about 'surrendering his identity' and 'destroying his heritage' and honestly I'm a bit Hmm about it all. He's almost militant about this, but I don't see why it's unthinkable for him to do it but totally fine for me. Am I nuts?

His argument seems to be based on the face that I have one more brother than he does, but other than that it's just 'the done thing'

OP posts:
DancingLedge · 27/05/2017 20:02

Must be difficult if DM and DH have different views.

Just as a point of fact, none of my DC have the same surname as me, and I honestly cannot think of a single occasion when this has caused any problem whatsoever.

At schools I would simply say 'I'm DancingLedge, DCname's mum.". Sorted.

PaintingOwls · 27/05/2017 20:02

Well did you ask him why he thinks it's OK for you to surrender your identity, but not him?

Agree with pp that you need to dig a little deeper on the chauvinism, you never know what else might be lurking below!

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 27/05/2017 20:08

Foolishly when my ex (yes my ex) said that he would only have children if we were married I went along with that. I kept my name, we added my surname (unusual) as a middle name. I thought all was good. I have all paperwork (birth, marraige, divorce etc)

Until we divorced. Have you ANY IDEA AT ALL what a nightmare it is to travel with children with a different surname? I have to ask my ex (controlling shitty bastard and yes you evil OW who stalk me on here) to provide effective consent for me travel with child on my own. Does he? NO, NO, NO because he has the same surname and UK IMMIGRATION are fucking sexist.

I have forgotten your question, OP! But this naming is SO misogonist. It has implications far beyond your worst nightmare.

FrenchMartiniTime · 27/05/2017 20:10

So, you won't take his name and don't want to give his name to any children you have together either?

Why do you trump him? I would be thouroughly pissed off if I was your DP.

Feminism gone mad.

Gabilan · 27/05/2017 20:14

Went on about 'surrendering his identity' and 'destroying his heritage'

But it's fine for you to do that? I'd be very wary of someone who can't deconstruct the reasons behind last names and why in some cultures they go down the male line. Ditto why it is that a woman's title tells you her marital status but a man's title does not.

I stick to using Ms or Dr. I don't have children and when debates like this come up I'm glad I avoided the whole argument. YANBU OP. Tradition is not a good enough excuse for anything.

Slimthistime · 27/05/2017 20:16

The woman is carrying the child
To me that's enough reason to give the child her name
Nothing against double barrelling btw

hippyhippyshake · 27/05/2017 20:16

But..but...but.. HE doesn't want to take HER name nor give HER name to any of the children

AliceTown · 27/05/2017 20:16

I have a different surname to my children and have never had trouble travelling abroad without their father. The law doesn't even mention surnames - just that everyone with PR must give consent.

I think if you're both arguing that the child should have your name then you're both as bad as eachother. Double barrelling is a sensible solution.

AliceTown · 27/05/2017 20:17

I really don't get the idea that carrying and birthing the child gives you any more rights over decisions like this. Very odd.

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 27/05/2017 20:24

I stand corrected. Cack handedly trying to sympathise with men.
I'm mid forties, married, a Mrs, have his name, kids have his name. No problems.

I'm also a Mrs and married with my DH's name, which I am quite happy with. But why is it a problem for the OP to want to keep her own name? Each to their own, no?

So, you won't take his name and don't want to give his name to any children you have together either? Why do you trump him? I would be thoroughly pissed off if I was your DP. Feminism gone mad.

Why? Why does it matter so much that the children have his name rather than hers? Why is it 'feminism gone mad'? Why is it more important that his name takes precedence over hers? Do you see it as a problem that some other countries do the opposite and the woman retains her name, as do her children?

Louiselouie0890 · 27/05/2017 20:24

Who carries the child or gives up there pelvic floor has bugger all to do with it. I hate views like that!!!

Unless I've read wrong he isn't questioning your right to stay with your maiden name he would just like his children to have his just like you would like them to have yours.so I don't really understand where all this feminist crap comes from (if I've read write). He'd like a say in his children and seen as though there 50/50 yours and his this is where you both put your big boy boots on and come to an agreement or not have children.

Genevieva · 27/05/2017 20:24

It probably never occurred to him before and he will need some time to reflect on it. If you can't resolve this issue amicably then there will probably be other bumps along the way too.

Your surname is probably your father's surname. And your mother's surname was probably her father's surname. Maybe you should find out what your mother's mother's mothers... surname was and go with that, but even that will be her father's surname right back to when surnames came into being. Or perhaps you could both choose an entirely new name to be your family name. It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. What does matter is that you approach your desired break from the norm sensitively.

Personally I am not in favour of double barrelling as I think it is storing up problems for the future. But then I also think it is nice for the whole family to have the same surname.

MrsWooster · 27/05/2017 20:29

I'm pretty sure that Iceland follows fathers-given-name-dottir for girls and fathers-given-name-sson for boys. Not patrilineal but still father-centric!

MrsWooster · 27/05/2017 20:32

Also, very rarely, you can see mothers-name-sson (or dottir) but it signifies unmarried mother.
That's according to extensive readING of icelandic murder novels, anyway.

hippyhippyshake · 27/05/2017 20:32

A man's surname is his own and a woman's surname is her father's. Odd that.

nannybeach · 27/05/2017 20:33

You love someone, you want to marry them, why would you not be proud to have their name, so you tell everyone you are Miss something or other, but am married. I hope people dont get married for superficial reasons.

TresDesolee · 27/05/2017 20:35

I think a lot of dads-to-be suddenly feel like this and probably can't even really express why. I was surprised when my ex suddenly said he wanted to get married a couple of days after DC1 was born; he said it was because he wanted us all to have the same surname. (I said 'what, mine? Grin) He thought my insistence on the baby having at least a double barrel, rather than his name alone, was because I wanted to get married - not because I wanted my baby to have my name. I was surprised how unreflective he was about it because he's not generally a dick.

Lots of men have never thought seriously about the power and advantages conferred on them by the mere biological chance of them being male. Situations like this (an independent female partner not happy with the status quo) can give them a shock.

We can't tell you what to do OP but I agree that whether or not the two of you can come to a solution that works for both of you will tell you a lot about whether you should go ahead and commit to a lifetime together.

(Reader, i didn't marry him, we double-barrelled our children's surnames, we separated, and having a different name from my children has never caused an iota of bother)

Theresnonamesleft · 27/05/2017 20:35

I just tell airport I have nc with dad and get waved through.

Someone asked why bother if you don't your name and wear a ring.

Why is this question just asked of females? Men don't change their names. A lot don't wear rings. But they are still married.

Maybe they are married because they both want to show each other that they are committed for life. And to give each other the protection that only marriage gives.

NorthumbrianGirl · 27/05/2017 20:37

I would be surprised at that reaction too (I mean, assuming I wasn't expecting my dp to say something so sexist and selfish).

Unless you believe men are entitled to more privileges than women there is no reason for his wish to pass on his name to trample over your wish to pass on yours.

Genevieva · 27/05/2017 20:37

The man's name is his father's too obviously. The point is that pretty much all surnames were first given to a man and passed on from there. They weren't given to a woman. So were are all carrying around a man's name. There is no escaping it unless you start afresh and create one now, which is just as valid an option as given the mothers maiden name to children as their surname.

hippyhippyshake · 27/05/2017 20:39

You love someone, you want to marry them, why would you not be proud to have their name...

So what did your husband say when you asked him this? And did he take your name?

ImperialBlether · 27/05/2017 20:42

You're not married, are you? Is this man prepared to put his money where his mouth is?

catkind · 27/05/2017 20:42

Do either of you have strong feelings about middle/first names? Our compromise was DH's surname on the understanding that I got to choose number of names (1 middle name like my family not 2 like DH's) and a family name from my family for the middle name.

MorrisZapp · 27/05/2017 20:43

Aren't men proud to be married too? Does that pride include changing their name to that of their wifes?

MorrisZapp · 27/05/2017 20:44

No, adults have their own names. The ones they've identified themselves as for decades. Nobody needs new ones.

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