To be surprised at his reaction?

[CowPatRoberts]

Been with DP a while and earlier we're discussing about what we'd do if we had children, and who's name they'd take. I've always been very clear that if I got married I'd keep my maiden name, it's never really been much of a problem and I thought he understood my point of view.

But today it came up that he thinks if we had children that it's totally non negotiable- they'd take his name. Went on about 'surrendering his identity' and 'destroying his heritage' and honestly I'm a bit about it all. He's almost militant about this, but I don't see why it's unthinkable for him to do it but totally fine for me. Am I nuts?

His argument seems to be based on the face that I have one more brother than he does, but other than that it's just 'the done thing'

Never said you "had" to change your name, just cant see why you would not want to. As for the ring, what happens in the marriage ceremony then if you dont have one, is it always "with this ring I the wed".Feel sorry for kids with all these different names confusing. This is a new feminist issue, people never questioned why change your name. Before you all get on your so mighty high horses, my first H tried to kill me, so my oldest 2 kids changed their name because they didnt want to be assocciated with him.

I've always wondered about what happens with subsequent generations if you double barrel. Do the grandchildren get 4 surnames and the great-grandchildren 8 etc or are the children forced to choose between their parents and decide which to offend by not passing on the maternal or paternal surname. Many surnames sound ridiculous together, mine and dh's would have. I'm a traditionalist so I name changed and the dc's have his name. Why should I have stuck with my Dad's surname, in my family tree I have traced back over 100 different surnames of my ancester's should I have picked my favourite from all of them?

Ask a married man what he does with his ring after the wedding.

That'd piss me right off.

I'd be telling him it's also "non negotiable" for you. Don't give in to this sexist, patriarchal shit.

Never said you "had" to change your name, just cant see why you would not want to.

Have you asked any men that question? They may be able to enlighten you.

As for the ring, what happens in the marriage ceremony then if you dont have one, is it always "with this ring I the wed".

Many men don't have wedding rings. Suspect it's the same.

Feel sorry for kids with all these different names confusing.

Luckily my DS is bright enough that it hasn't confused him at all. He's a pretty average five year old. It's really not that tricky.

This is a new feminist issue, people never questioned why change your name

Well, no, because for a long time women were essentially property and change of name was linked to transfer of ownership. Quite healthy that 'new feminist' types question why we do things that are so deeply steeped in pretty fucked up 'tradition'.

My husband took my name...blew the mind of every financial institution we spoke to, the doctors. The only people who didn't care was the DVLA...
Back on the subject...double barrel? Either way hash it out now and not at the register office...

Wow I have never really thought about this tbh. We had the kids before we got married and they took his name even then. Never something there was even a discussion about. Same with me taking his name after we got married.

Honestly, if it matters so much to him I would just go with it, unless it was really really important to me too in which case a serious discussion is needed.

If you want to double barrel YANBU.
If you want them to have your name alone YABU.

I didnt want to change my name because it's my name! I gave up enough for DH I wasnt about to give up my identity too. He never offered to take my name so clearly his name is quite important to him too.

I dont think my marriage status is anyones business but my own (and the taxman in resident country). I was Ms Expat before I got married and Im Ms Expat now.

I got married because i wanted to commit to DH for the rest of our lives. He is an electrician so doesnt wear his ring very often.

If you want to wear a ring wear a ring. You can change your name by deedpole if you like. Those arent decent reasons to get married in my book.

I don't think you should have kids together. The relationship does not sound like it will be a happy one. I really don't understand what the fuss is about with refusing to let kids have their father's name. Sounds like a fight for the sake of it and to prove nothing.

This relationship is likely to be going nowhere. You have no more right to impose your views and wants on him than he has to impose his on you. Since none of you are willing to compromise and can only deal with this by seeking to impose yourself on each other, kids coming into such a toxic environment will be unhappy.

Personally there are more important things to fight about.

Someone suggested you asked your husband why this matters to him so much. I think it would be good to hear from you why it is so important to you that the kids have your surname and not his?

Another factual point: if not everyone in same family has the same surname, you can make traveling or needing to demonstrate family relationships when abroad VERY simple by doing this:when applying for a passport, there is a section called "notes".
You simply request that the family relationship be noted here.
eg.I had' the holder is married to MrX.." and vice versa
The DC had" DC of Dancing and Mr X"

This is easy for passport office to do, since they have those certificates with the application. No extra charge.

As others have said it's a great pre-marriage conversation to find out whether you can both compromise as this is what good marriages/partnerships are made of. Fingers crossed you will come to a resolution. What other pre-marriage/partnerships chats did you all have? I think the other two biggies for us were 1. whether to have joint finances and transparency of them and 2. Who would stay at home and look after the children/would it be ok with him for me to be a sahm/did I want to be a sahm, would he stay home part-time and me work part-time -good luck with these, all good to chat through to know if you'll be on same page.

I just can't get over the amount of women who blindly go along with dropping their identity because of patriarchal bullshit created eons ago when women were merely property.

No wonder we as a gender struggle to get equality when we don't take our identity seriously, willing to drop our names in exchange for a bit of jewellery and a day as a princess..... Heaven forbid we think of giving our children a name from both parents.

Nannybeach " This is a new feminist issue, people never questioned why change your name"

Er, no. It was def doing the rounds in the 80s and probably before.

If you want them to have your name alone YABU
I hope you pass this sentiment along to dads-to-be as well

Double barrel it, job done!

We wanted to all have the same surname... so we chose a new surname. Our name, equally.

Why not suggest he takes your name, so you can all have the same surname?

Misstic, you're a man right? No woman could hold those views unless joshing.

I believe children should have their mother's surname, often this is the father's surname as they are married and the woman had changed her name so everyone had the same name.

Indeed! In England until fairly recently you couldn't give a baby its father's name if he wasn't married to its mother, so in fact all babies had their mothers' surnames, just that in most cases that coincided with the fathers'.

It's not so much the opinion as the intransigence that is concerning and off-putting.

I just can't get over the amount of women who blindly go along with dropping their identity because of patriarchal bullshit created eons ago when women were merely property.

My maiden name is my father's name that my mother took upon marriage. How is me keeping that any less patriarchal than taking my husband's name?

If you're not marrying any time soon, the dc should have your surname.

Your name all the way!!

AliceTown because you rarely see men rushing to give up their name, which shows how engrained it is in society and how we accept women changing it but would question a man. It effectively reinforces that women are property to be taken into the husband's family. We have to break the cycle of assuming that the father's name will be given to children, double-barrelled or a brand new surname for the whole family would be more equal.

So, some people who dont want to get married change their name by deed poll. You dont loose your identity if you get married, or change your name become someones property, although some folk say the marriage licence itself means you have been "purchased" in law,(or not) you are still you, If folk see this as a problem, then dont get married, dont have kids, stay you as you always were, no problem. I havent been to a wedding and all bar 2 have been church, where the man has had a ring. What to do people sign in the register after the ceremony, Miss whatever just curious, on this one.