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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be surprised at his reaction?

382 replies

CowPatRoberts · 27/05/2017 19:01

Been with DP a while and earlier we're discussing about what we'd do if we had children, and who's name they'd take. I've always been very clear that if I got married I'd keep my maiden name, it's never really been much of a problem and I thought he understood my point of view.

But today it came up that he thinks if we had children that it's totally non negotiable- they'd take his name. Went on about 'surrendering his identity' and 'destroying his heritage' and honestly I'm a bit Hmm about it all. He's almost militant about this, but I don't see why it's unthinkable for him to do it but totally fine for me. Am I nuts?

His argument seems to be based on the face that I have one more brother than he does, but other than that it's just 'the done thing'

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 27/05/2017 22:11

Er superficial reasons for getting married changing your name and having a ring, who got married just for that then!.

To quote you from upthread:

I know people who get married dont want to change their name, wear a wedding ring, why bother to get married!

JassyRadlett · 27/05/2017 22:13

I never understand why you'd want to get married, keep your old name and be a separate name to your family.

Because you can be a brilliant family unit without having a shared last name? What a daft statement. I'm no less part of my kids' family because we don't have identical last names, and neither is DH any less their father.

Happyhippy45 · 27/05/2017 22:14

My kids have a double barrel name. I kept my maiden name. My family is very small and I wanted my family name to continue. It caused all kinds of problem living in the USA, but none what so ever in the UK.

NotTheDuchessOfCambridge · 27/05/2017 22:16

But why is your desire for your children to have your name more important than his?

DixieFlatline · 27/05/2017 22:18

I don't see why it's unthinkable for him to do it but totally fine for me. Am I nuts?

THIS is the OP's question - just for the hard-of-reading among us.

hippyhippyshake · 27/05/2017 22:24

True testing. And polarised on this thread.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 27/05/2017 22:24

My ex had very set ideas about kids surnames.
He felt that the "family name" needed to be kept alive, and since his dad had no brothers the last of the family "line" was him and his brother. Sadly his brother was autistic so was very unlikely to ever have children so he saw it as his "duty" to have kids with his last name to continue the family name.
I made it clear the day we met i wasn't ever having children, but he was a controlling manipulative abusive bastard who threatened various forms of sexual violence and anal rape (i was very lucky it was long distance) so he probably intended to get me forcibly pregnant at some point and try to force me to keep the baby.

For him i think it was a power and self importance thing.

LastGirlOnTheLeft · 27/05/2017 22:27

I kept my name - no way was I going to change it and also...I have my MOTHER'S name so wrap your heads around that all you Neanderthals! Mum and dad have been married over fifty years but we all took Mum's name and Dad chose our first names!

Mum and Dad were ahead of their time!! Dad said Mum was his better half so loved that we had her name - he is the most secure, wonderful man I have ever had in my life!

hippyhippyshake · 27/05/2017 22:27

Are we reading the same thread duchess?

hippyhippyshake · 27/05/2017 22:29

Lastgirl - so refreshing to read. 👏👏

LastGirlOnTheLeft · 27/05/2017 22:30

I know Hippy...my Dad and my Mum are pretty great!!!

Voice0fReason · 27/05/2017 22:35

if you marry Mr John Smith in the eyes of the law you are Mrs John Smith, NOT Mrs Jane Smith, I know Teachers Doctors tend to keep their maiden names for work, but I have seen it cause problems,
Utter bollocks. You don't have to take your husband's surname. You definitely don't take his first name! And please tell us exactly what problems you have seen it cause?

OP, you both have the right to feel the way you do. Neither is wrong or right. You are going to have to discuss this until you come to a joint agreement.

I didn't blindly give up my identity when I got married, my identity is so much more than my surname.

Whiskwarrior · 27/05/2017 22:38

'Feminism gone mad'. Awesome. Up there with 'pc gone mad' and 'health and safety gone mad'.

Basically means, I'm not allowed to be offensive anymore and I'm not happy.

Feminism is about equality for women. Nothing more, nothing less. Women don't want 'more' than men or to be 'better'. So how feminism can go 'mad' is beyond me.

e1y1 · 27/05/2017 22:39

YABU,
I know I will get flamed for this but, IMO children should always have their fathers name. All for the choice of keeping maiden names, but children take fathers name.

dotdotdotmustdash · 27/05/2017 22:40

I'm married (17years, together for 24), didn't change my name, don't use 'Mrs' as a title and my children have a double-barrelled surname which they are free to adapt at any time they wish. We didn't exchange rings during the ceremony as neither of us wear jewellery.

There has never been a problem for any of us, in fact it's really useful when the phone rings and the caller asks for Mrs Hisname or Mr Myname, we know for sure that it's a sales call.

Whiskwarrior · 27/05/2017 22:41

E1y1 - why though? What's your reasoning?

JassyRadlett · 27/05/2017 22:41

I know I will get flamed for this but, IMO children should always have their fathers name. All for the choice of keeping maiden names, but children take fathers name.

Why?

e1y1 · 27/05/2017 22:43

Just the way I've always felt Jassy. Can't even explain it, but I would never have even considered not giving DC the DH name.

Naicehamshop · 27/05/2017 22:44

Exactly Whisk. The dictionary definition of feminism is the "social, political and economic equality of women."

Anyone care to explain what's "mad" about that? Confused

e1y1 · 27/05/2017 22:45

Sorry Whisk just seen you've asked too.

Naicehamshop · 27/05/2017 22:45

Can't really understand how you can hold opinions that you can't even explain, ely! Confused

Whiskwarrior · 27/05/2017 22:46

E1y1 - you drank the patriarchal kool aid.

As did I, we I had my kids. Gave them their Dad's surname. We weren't married. I didn't even think about it, just did it.

We split up four years ago. The kids, despite seeing their Dad regularly and having a great relationship with him, want my surname now.

Slimthistime · 27/05/2017 22:49

An opinion that can't be backed up with one reason?

Op I have a confession.

I advanced searched your name because I thought maybe a troll had appeared with some MRA friends. Honestly, I don't know anyone who holds some of these 1800s views in real life.

Jupitar · 27/05/2017 22:50

I've never had s problem travelling with my 2 kids who have their dads surname, Australian passport control said "are they your kids" I replied yes and that was it, it's never been mentioned on the numerous trips to France and Spain. And I've never been asked for proof that their dad is happy for them to travel, again not even mentioned. I went on holiday with 3 friends last year, we had 8 kids with us, only 2 had the same surnames as their Mums and again no problems at all.

Ummbopdoowap · 27/05/2017 22:51

I know I will get flamed for this but, IMO children should always have their fathers name. All for the choice of keeping maiden names, but children take fathers name.

Seems odd to have such a firm view for reasons you can't explain.

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