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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to bug my DH to lose weight?

139 replies

Bellabooboo · 16/05/2017 23:31

DH is morbidly obese, a good 20 Stone for a 6"5 (I admit it's tall), he's got a 42/44 inch waist. He looks grey and sallow, does not exercise (says he doesn't have time- but sits on his bottom at home once we've got the kids to bed, they've been playing up recently - so 9pm but normally 7pm).
He enjoys cooking but is not always the healthiest cook. He cooks for us most nights but since DD2 was born and moved house we've had loads of takeaways as been too tired to cook. Somehow though I've gone back to a pre baby weight but he's stayed at his current weight.
He drinks a lot of coffee (baby wakes us up) and Diet Coke. I never see him drink water but he says he does.
I'm so so worried about him. I'm going on a health kick now as my bp was slightly raised at the GP today. DH just doesn't seem bothered by it though despite claiming he's constantly knackered (he has a stressful job even though it's 9-5) and falls asleep on the sofa as soon as he's eaten (I busy around)
I'm so worried about him. I appreciate he's tired but he doesn't help himself. I'm worried about his health and to be honest, his gut is off putting sexually. I have never told him this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellabooboo · 16/05/2017 23:32

What if anything can I do? He's literally just come to bed despite saying how tired he was earlier this evening

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellabooboo · 16/05/2017 23:33

I am going to pick up more cooking slack tonight I've been batch cooking. But he criticises my cooking so much it's really hard because I've never cooking anything until now

OP posts:
FelineEleganza · 16/05/2017 23:36

Can't help but think if it was reversed and we had a husband nagging his wife to get slimmer, it would be cries of LTB.

Original poster
Bellabooboo · 16/05/2017 23:37

That's true come to think of it.

I just want him to be healthier!

OP posts:
Boulshired · 16/05/2017 23:39

At 6.5 and twenty stone I doubt he would be morbidly obese. He needs to want it himself, it sounds like he is struggling with sugar highs and lows.

SunshineOutdoors · 16/05/2017 23:40

I don't agree, I think this is more about the health and happiness aspect than aesthetics for op. I think a man posting with similar concerns would get some advice on how to help in a gentle manner, as I think op needs. It's a tricky one as it is easy to offend and defences get raised.

SunshineOutdoors · 16/05/2017 23:41

It is v hard to motivate oneself when dcs are tiny and sleep is scarce. Unhealthy habits can be a good coping mechanism at these times, unfortunately

stitchglitched · 16/05/2017 23:41

God Feline at least wait for some actual replies before you start with the reverse the gender nonsense that now seems mandatory on every relationship thread!

OP I understand how you feel. My partner has weight issues that are affecting his health too and I worry about him alot. Ultimately any change has to come from him though.

Original poster
Bellabooboo · 16/05/2017 23:42

He's got a BMI of 34 I've just checked the NHS website and you're right it's just obese

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellabooboo · 16/05/2017 23:45

Sometimes I think if I say the weight is impacting our sex life it might shock him into doing something but I think that's a low swipe.
I don't get how we have similar food though and I'm just at the higher end of normal and he's obese. I think he's secret eating on the way home, I'll peep in his car.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 16/05/2017 23:45

That is a good point Sunshine. My own weight ballooned in the year after I had DC2 and was struggling with PND and lack of sleep. Even though I've lost a good bit of weight now I still struggle with the urge to comfort eat junk when I'm having a bad or tiring day.

Joffmognum · 16/05/2017 23:47

Wanting a spouse to be slimmer so they are more attractive and wanting them to be slimmer because you worry for their health are different things.

Why don't you find a couple of healthy recipes you approve of, and ask him to cook them?

He has a BMI of about 33. He is obese. :( does he actually know he's obese? It's very easy to kid yourself and think you "just need to lose a few".

Original poster
Bellabooboo · 16/05/2017 23:48

I think if he reduced the caffeine a bit he might feel better.
I'm going to try and do some low calorie freezable meals so niether of us have to cook. Maybe enrol him at a nice gym and tell him not to worry about me and the kids

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 16/05/2017 23:48

Why do you need to 'peep in his car'? If he's eating in secret then he's probably not going to leave the wrappers lying around Confused

Original poster
Bellabooboo · 16/05/2017 23:48

Yes he knows. He's semi medical too

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellabooboo · 16/05/2017 23:49

I've found Costa panini sleeves in his foot well before.

OP posts:
AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 16/05/2017 23:49

God Feline at least wait for some actual replies before you start with the reverse the gender nonsense that now seems mandatory on every relationship thread!

Why? My first thought was if a woman came on here saying her husband wanted her to lose weight claiming it was for her health, or a man asked about it regarding his wife (particularly the bit about being put off sexually) people would be up in arms about it.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 16/05/2017 23:50

Enrolling him in a gym is taking it a tad far. How would you feel if he said that he didn't want to have sex with you but he had got you a gym membership so that you could improve?

I know it's coming from the point of view of his health but he knows he's overweight - if you don't find him attractive or whatever then that's okay but there's being concerned and there's being worryingly controlling (or looking like you are iyswim)

Original poster
Bellabooboo · 16/05/2017 23:50

I think perhaps if he got some exercise he'd feel less tired as he gets fitter?

OP posts:
Boulshired · 16/05/2017 23:51

It can be easier to help if the problem is portion control or eating the wrong food. If it is secretive eating then it will probably be linked with emotional eating and much harder to deal with.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 16/05/2017 23:51

I'm sure he would but it's really crappy to enforce gym attendance on him. If he's that overweight it's going to be hell for him, he will probably be utterly humiliated in front of all those toned bodies

Original poster
Bellabooboo · 16/05/2017 23:54

He said he'd like to go to the gym but wants to see the kids and knows it's hard to put them to bed. DD1 has terrible terrible twos and can be a little bigger and DD2 is 8 months old. But we've just started not bathing them every night so I could suggest he goes then.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 16/05/2017 23:55

Yes nagging is a well known weight loss technique. Definitely try it. Hmm

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2017 23:55

It sounds like he's generally not feeling good. Tired, fueled on caffeine and crap food, feeling blah. It's a vicious circle and hard to get out of.

What about making some small changes to help him feel healthier. Get out in the countryside on the weekend, a few long walks and bring a healthy picnic (with water bottles!).

I was the one who struggled to get back my mojo after DD. I'm running now and feeling (and looking) better. If DH had said that he didn't fancy me while I was feeling unhealthy, it might have ended my marriage.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 16/05/2017 23:55

I have just seen some of your other threads - you call him a big man child because he booked a restaurant from the joint account. You don't sound like you like him very much tbh. He's not a child. He is entitled to eat/exercise as and when he wants, even if you are worried

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