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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to bug my DH to lose weight?

139 replies

Bellabooboo · 16/05/2017 23:31

DH is morbidly obese, a good 20 Stone for a 6"5 (I admit it's tall), he's got a 42/44 inch waist. He looks grey and sallow, does not exercise (says he doesn't have time- but sits on his bottom at home once we've got the kids to bed, they've been playing up recently - so 9pm but normally 7pm).
He enjoys cooking but is not always the healthiest cook. He cooks for us most nights but since DD2 was born and moved house we've had loads of takeaways as been too tired to cook. Somehow though I've gone back to a pre baby weight but he's stayed at his current weight.
He drinks a lot of coffee (baby wakes us up) and Diet Coke. I never see him drink water but he says he does.
I'm so so worried about him. I'm going on a health kick now as my bp was slightly raised at the GP today. DH just doesn't seem bothered by it though despite claiming he's constantly knackered (he has a stressful job even though it's 9-5) and falls asleep on the sofa as soon as he's eaten (I busy around)
I'm so worried about him. I appreciate he's tired but he doesn't help himself. I'm worried about his health and to be honest, his gut is off putting sexually. I have never told him this.

OP posts:
Bosabosa · 16/05/2017 23:56

Even diet drinks can play havoc with insulin levels and therefore his ability to lose weight; could you suggest he just drink water and milk (if he likes milk) for a couple of weeks to see if that makes a difference to his energy levels and weight?

stitchglitched · 16/05/2017 23:56

You can't engineer anything for him though OP. You can offer to support him if he wants to take those steps but that is all.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 16/05/2017 23:56

That sounded harsh. I didn't mean it to. But don't 'get him a gym membership' - he's capable of getting it for himself I assume?

Original poster
Bellabooboo · 16/05/2017 23:57

Another 'excuse' is that he doesn't have any work out gear (he does but it's old)

OP posts:
SunshineOutdoors · 16/05/2017 23:57

Sex and gym mentions maybe not the best way to go about it, I'd be mortified and probably eat more crap to console myself and be angry at you. I think the only way is to suggest your not happy with unhealthy habits forming and influencing dc as they get older and try and do some healthy eating/exercising together. Your motives are becoming a little more unclear with your subsequent posts though.

susanboozan · 16/05/2017 23:57

The person has to want to do it.

No amount of nagging or whatever will succeed otherwise.

BoysofMelody · 16/05/2017 23:58

You can't force it, he doesn't recognise it as a problem yet ... so all the gym enrolling and nagging won't change him until he's ready to change. In fact it would just make him dig his heels in if anything.

He's an adult who is capable of making choices, including bad choices. I'm not going to pull the whole gender reversal shit, but it does seem that you are being a bit too full on, snooping around his car footwell and quizing him on his water intake is too much.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 16/05/2017 23:59

You are obviously not happy with him though and haven't been for quite a while. Even if you love him, you clearly don't respect that he's an adult

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 17/05/2017 00:00

And the gender reversal is relevant - if a woman posted that her DH had got her a gym membership, was on at her to lose weight and even threatened to empty the joint account because she was a 'woman child' who booked an expensive meal from it, it would be pitchforks at dawn

EyeDrops · 17/05/2017 00:01

It's tricky, he has to want to lose the weight. Is he content, or does he feel that he should lose some?

Portion control and reining in snacks has made a huge difference to my DH, who's started dropping from 19.5 stone (6ft). He's motivated to exercise because then he can have an extra cake/cookie/whatever. He's used the my fitness pal app so he hasn't really changed what he's eating, so it hasn't been a massive adjustment - just how much he was eating.

springhassprungohmy · 17/05/2017 00:02

I'll probably be struck down for saying this, but I don't think it's unreasonable to find somebody who is overweight unattractive, whether they are male or female. You can be tactful about it, sort of, but if my DH got really fat I don't think I would fancy him. I don't think that makes me a bad person.

There are obviously health concerns too, and I don't think op is unreasonable on those grounds either.

RubyGoat · 17/05/2017 00:03

I'm in a very similar position with my DH. 6'4", 20st ish. Built like a viking (enormous muscle mass despite lack of exercise) but he has a big belly, eats far too much sugary rubbish, not nearly enough green / fresh food, & doesn't exercise enough. My DH has trouble with his legs - one joint is missing cartilage as it was damaged, & another joint is displaced from years of walking with a limp, he's had physio but it's not fully sorted it. He frequently falls asleep on the sofa, & snores awfully if he lays on his back (belly apparently makes it worse). He's stubborn & won't reduce his sugar intake, has a really sweet tooth.
Oh and he's a secret eater. He leaves the wrappers around. And the receipts. I have to check receipts before throwing them in the recycling in case we need to keep them but they are usually for a family bag of sweets, doughnuts etc.
Won't go to the gym, or eat healthier meals with me. It's so worrying.

Original poster
Bellabooboo · 17/05/2017 00:03

Livia- it's a running joke amongst his friends that he's lazy. We've got a holiday coming up and he's meant to send over a scan of his passport, he's not done it again tonight, but he's had time to look at his damn phone. Another is he moans he's not got any clothes, but 'doesn't get around' to internet shopping for some more. He's got a lassiez faire approach to things and thinks it'll all work itself out but you only get one body. He will admit he's a 'head in the sand type'. Drives me crazy. I love him but he drives me bonkers.

OP posts:
BoysofMelody · 17/05/2017 00:04

Nor is he morbidly obese based on the information you've given he has a BMI of 34, whilst certainly obese isn't morbidly obese that's a BMI of 40 or above.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 17/05/2017 00:04

Of course it's not unreasonable to feel like that, and if that's the issue then perhaps you should split up.

But it's his body and, just as you have the right not to find him attractive, he has the right to shovel shit into it!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 17/05/2017 00:06

It's not you saying he's lazy that I have an issue with. I was a little surprised how you said you would clear out the joint account - I know AS isn't good form but I recognised your username. If you treat him like a child then that's not going to help

Fozzleyplum · 17/05/2017 00:06

DH was similar until a couple of years ago-very overweight, tired and lethargic. It turned out he had T2 diabetes, which gave him a wake up call. He's lost and kept off a few stone and is no longer diabetic. We're going for the final push now to get the last stone or so off. The Michael Moseley blood sugar diet is a good place to start.

Nancy91 · 17/05/2017 00:07

I definitely wouldn't want to have sex with someone who was very overweight. I also understand how hard it must be for you, worrying about him all the time.

I think it's time for some honesty I'm afraid, tell him you've noticed he has gained a bit of weight and he doesn't have as much energy as before. Ask if you can help him, e.g. Not buying junk food for the house even if it's for you.

Any time he does make a healthy choice or works out etc make sure to notice it and comment on it, sometimes that little boost helps you stay on track.

Original poster
Bellabooboo · 17/05/2017 00:07

Eyedrops- we've tried the calorie counter app he can't stick to it. I found him trying to buy yet another diet cookbook in Sainsbury's at the weekend and I pointed out he's got about 5 in the garage, unopened.

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 17/05/2017 00:08

Oh my word - I presume it's his money too?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 17/05/2017 00:09

Predictably posters have already mentioned rewarding him by commenting when he's doing well as if he is a dog or a child

blerp · 17/05/2017 00:09

YABU

If DH got a fitness fad and started badgering me to go to the gym because I was so fat I think I'd tell him to fuck RIGHT off.

Especially if I was being badgered after work/cooking dinner, and the basis was DH knowing better for me than I do myself what I should do to my own body.

Original poster
Bellabooboo · 17/05/2017 00:13

No I wouldn't want to have sex with someone that overweight either. I couldn't give a damn about a few extra pounds this is obesity. I like a few extra pounds I don't like a 'heart attack waiting to happen' which is what a medic friend called it

This isn't a few extra pounds or him being fit as a fiddle but likes the odd cake.

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 17/05/2017 00:15

But it's his body, he's an intelligent adult who can choose to eat bad stuff.

It's your choice if you don't want to be with someone like that, and that's fine.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 17/05/2017 00:16

I have felt prsssure to lose weight too and it made me worse.