AIBU to bug my DH to lose weight?

[Bellabooboo]

DH is morbidly obese, a good 20 Stone for a 6"5 (I admit it's tall), he's got a 42/44 inch waist. He looks grey and sallow, does not exercise (says he doesn't have time- but sits on his bottom at home once we've got the kids to bed, they've been playing up recently - so 9pm but normally 7pm).
He enjoys cooking but is not always the healthiest cook. He cooks for us most nights but since DD2 was born and moved house we've had loads of takeaways as been too tired to cook. Somehow though I've gone back to a pre baby weight but he's stayed at his current weight.
He drinks a lot of coffee (baby wakes us up) and Diet Coke. I never see him drink water but he says he does.
I'm so so worried about him. I'm going on a health kick now as my bp was slightly raised at the GP today. DH just doesn't seem bothered by it though despite claiming he's constantly knackered (he has a stressful job even though it's 9-5) and falls asleep on the sofa as soon as he's eaten (I busy around)
I'm so worried about him. I appreciate he's tired but he doesn't help himself. I'm worried about his health and to be honest, his gut is off putting sexually. I have never told him this.

His body, his choice. You might find that hassling him does not inspire him to make you happy.

Bella if it were that simple we'd all be thin. It isn't.

Sometimes I think if I say the weight is impacting our sex life it might shock him into doing something but I think that's a low swipe.

Please don't do that. I gained some weight last year when my mental health slipped and I went from a size 12/14 to an 18. I felt like shit and DH made "concerned" comments, which slowly became more and more critical and then one night during an argument he blurted out that he didn't fancy me and sex would be "awkward" with someone so big (he is also overweight, but funnily enough he can do something about that as and when he feels like it).

I felt horrific and that made me want to go and comfort eat. I'm back to a size 14 and still losing weight but I'll never forget what he said.

A good place to leave it. Now just pop off and polish your halo and stop blaming the fact that you don't like your husband on his weight.

You could suggest that he goes for a "health MOT" - either via his GP (might need to pay, I'm not in UK so don't know), his employer (many employers do this as part of Occupational Health schemes) or organised privately.
This would make sure there's no underlying issues, but would also take the emotion out of it. There's a huge difference between a doctor saying "Your weight is causing you health issues, here's what you can do" and your partner saying it.

And seeing as you know his measurements, chuck some cheap shorts, swimmers etc. into the trolley when you shop. Shame the upcoming Aldi offers are only women's clothing.

You're not his mum. If you have a tendency to control and 'parent' him then that could be a big part of the problem.
If you are concerned then don't nag. Don't mention it at all.
Substitute in some healthier meals and learn how to cook them. Arrange for the entire family to go for walks at the weekend or to take the DCs to the park for half an hour each evening. You can all subtly increase your activity levels whilst spending time together.

Any nagging/manipulation will make emotional eating worse.

Go on your own health kick. Add more fruits/veggies into joint meals you cook yourself. Ask him sometimes if he fancies going for a walk together. That's about as far as it can go though. Nagging and gym memberships are taking it too far.

Be supportive of any positive steps he does make- like the cookbook. Even if he has five already. Rather than discourage him from buying it, a better strategy would have been to ask for a look at the book and find a receipt you both liked in it, get the ingredients on that trip then cook it together.

Nagging, comments and controlling will make it worse not better though. Sounds like the only area he has control is eating.

Just seen you have ordered his clothes for him 🙄 You are honestly treating him like a small child - if someone treated me like that, I would probably overeat too!

You don't have to find him attractive but equally he doesn't have to take care of himself.

I presume he's capable of deciding that he doesn't want to wear swimmers or whatever? You know he can decide that, don't you?

He may come to the point of wanting to sort it out or he may not. But it has to be his choice and treating him a child isn't particularly respectful

Sounds like you've got a wider problem than just the weight tbh. The overall inertia/laziness/putting stuff off/watching mindless crap on telly all points to someone who is either in the process of or who has just given up a bit.

He definitely needs a lifestyle shake up, but as others have said that has to come from within, unfortunately.

Enabling him (doing the clothes order, scanning passports etc) obviously isn't going to work long term - but totally get why you are - - sometimes just easier and quicker to get it bloody done than have to endure moaning afterwards! But post holiday all that can stop.

Has he mentioned any long distance trek or cycle or charity 10km or tough mudder or whatever that's coming up that he could throw himself into with friends/colleagues? I'd definitely support something like that. Gym with no goal (beyond "health" or "weight loss") is always doomed to failure.

I always find the "(s)he's an adult" part of these weight discussions something of a red herring.

The fact is, in an obesogenic environment, a lot of people do not or are not able to behave like sensible, responsible adults, and eat too much of the readily available and cheap (sugary) food which is sold to us by companies that know we cannot stop behaving like children and resist what we know is bad for us.

Similarly, like children we resist doing what we know would address our weight problem (eat less sugary food, do some - any! - exercise, etc.).

Clearly, the fact that so so many of us are getting dangerously fat (with all kinds of frightening social and economic consequences) indicates that we are precisely not adult about this matter, otherwise we would, the moment we started getting a little podgy, take responsibility for ourselves.

I don't think that anyone chooses to be overweight. (If he is choosing diet books- he wants to lose.) Choosing not to be thin is another matter.

However losing weight is difficult and needing to lose weight is depressing.

Exercise really helps - but is hard to start especially at the end of a day when you are tired. Is there a challenge you can both work for? He is likely to see more improvement than you and this might be encouraging.

If he is the cook - perhaps by asking him to cook particular healthy meals (for you). Ask him to use his skills to make these low calorie meals taste better. (Give a calorie budget and let him be imaginative.)

Swap his coffee for same brand but decaf. Fill up His usual jar with it so he doesn't know

See if he notices. If he doesn't, it will be interesting to see any changes in him. I think it will help.

But surely the point of being an adult is that you can do what you want to yourself - it may be bad for you but another person doesn't have the right to make you change.

That's called control.

As for 'swapping his coffee' - I despair

OP you are his wife so you can make your feelings known. What you can't do is tell him not to buy cookbooks, kick off for reserving restaurants, sign him up to the gym and con him into going for walks and drinking decaf.

Well you can, but it's incredibly controlling and I guarantee it will make him worse - he will just become sneaky about it

You cannot (actually or ethically) make someone lose weight, even for the best of reasons.

You can however inspire and help create a habit of good eating and increased exercise.

Try cooking delicious, healthy meals (keep up the levels of good fats, reduce carbs). Initiate exercise and get DH to join in. Hopefully he will then get to enjoy feeling better and keep it up.

I really empathise as I've been in a similar position with a beloved family member. It's working for us so far and I pray that their brilliant efforts will continue. Good luck!

Livia: yes, of course. But the phrase is often trotted out as a way of shutting down discussion, as if we were all agentically responsible, isolated adults. But the fact is our actions have collective/communal/social effects, but as "adults," when it comes to matters like weight, it seems, we are indulged as individualistic.

Sorry - didn't mean "agentically" there.

But surely the point of being an adult is that you can do what you want to yourself - it may be bad for you but another person doesn't have the right to make you change.

Easy way out.

The bigger picture here is early death is distinctly more likely if this man doesn't start looking after himself. That's the reality.

Yes, he's an adult but it would seem he has lost his way a bit in terms of what is healthy and how to feel good.

OP do whatever you need to do, encourage, cajole, bribe. The big picture here is that you love your partner and want him around in old age

The only time I do agree with a partner being overly involved is when the overweight partner is using them to offload all their baggage onto them. I did not split with an ex because of his weight gain, we split because he became impossible to live with. His weight impacted every part of our shared life.

But is the manipulate/control approach likely to be effective Blinkyblink.

I know what you mean about the "he's an adult" approach being the easy way out. "Thou shalt not kill; but needst not strive officiously to keep alive".

But you have to ask yourself whether infantilising a grown person is going to be effective.

It's not an easy way out! If I eat/drink to excess, take drugs etc then it's my choice to do so. Everyone knows that any of those things are potentially lethal. If someone makes an informed decision then their partner doesn't have the right to prevent them

I can guarantee you he knows the risk of early death - you can't force someone to change which is what the suggestions here are about.

You don't have to stay with someone like that but if it's an issue for you then you have to decide whether it's a dealbreaker

Presumably all those advocating a 'robust' approach would be happy for their partners to do that to them?

And what about single people? Are they allowed to do what they want to their bodies - is it just the married ones who have the right to be controlled?