AIBU to bug my DH to lose weight?

[Bellabooboo]

DH is morbidly obese, a good 20 Stone for a 6"5 (I admit it's tall), he's got a 42/44 inch waist. He looks grey and sallow, does not exercise (says he doesn't have time- but sits on his bottom at home once we've got the kids to bed, they've been playing up recently - so 9pm but normally 7pm).
He enjoys cooking but is not always the healthiest cook. He cooks for us most nights but since DD2 was born and moved house we've had loads of takeaways as been too tired to cook. Somehow though I've gone back to a pre baby weight but he's stayed at his current weight.
He drinks a lot of coffee (baby wakes us up) and Diet Coke. I never see him drink water but he says he does.
I'm so so worried about him. I'm going on a health kick now as my bp was slightly raised at the GP today. DH just doesn't seem bothered by it though despite claiming he's constantly knackered (he has a stressful job even though it's 9-5) and falls asleep on the sofa as soon as he's eaten (I busy around)
I'm so worried about him. I appreciate he's tired but he doesn't help himself. I'm worried about his health and to be honest, his gut is off putting sexually. I have never told him this.

I don't have issues - although I'm horrified that adults choose to treat other adults like this - happy to be out of step with MN on that one.

Your dh has a bigger problem here. He wasnt even allowed to buy a cookbook? Not allowed to book a restaurant? Just because you're slim it doesn't make you a better person, or any healthier than him if your diet has been shit too. Just because you've decided to go on a crusade it doesn't mean he has to be bullied into it too. You sound extremely controlling.

I am having this issue with DH to an extent; my solution is to take no interest in his eating habits at all. This has had the knock-on effect of reducing my interest in him in general, but hey, at least I'm not infantilising him. That would obviously be worse.

Tbf he has noticed my change in attitude and is making an effort by himself. I think he was hurt by my abdication of interest, frankly.

OP If he is interested in diet plans then I recommend the blood sugar diet as a good starting point. It can be conducted less as a diet and more of a WOE to start with, to get him on board....

Sulking and "losing interest" because your partner has put on weight is just so far beyond ridiculous and manipulative. no wonder your partner was hurt. If i found out dh was treating me differently because id put on weight then id have to seriously rethink my relationship. Surely its the person you're supposed to love not just their body?

Well it depends, doesn't it neon? A woman who's put on weight due to bodily processes around being pregnant (for eg.), and is eating healthily is one thing. Someone who has just decided they wont bother taking care of themselves is completely different. It's not so much the size (imo) as what they are eating/doing to be that size. If they are chubby whilst eating healthily/exercising it's different to being the same size but eating shit and not exercising - it's about health!

Regardless of the reasons for why the person has put on weight it is emotionally manipulative to make it clear you have lost interest in them purely because of their weight.

But you wouldn't be, neon. You'd have lost interest because of their attitude to health, if that was the case.

... I say that as someone who has been utterly in love with a man who was a bit chubby. But I thought he was the sexiest man alive because he was ... him. But he had a good attitude to health (had been more overweight and got healthier, hence still larger). I find not caring about health aspects of diet/exercise really off-putting.

Anyway in this instance it sounds like OPs DH is well aware of the problem, and there are emotional aspects to this, comfort eating etc. So it's a bit different.

See, as his closest person on earth, I think you DO have a right to mention this to him. You have two young kids. He is a heart attack waiting to happen. Marriage isn't about sticking your head in the sand and ignoring him piling on the weight till you no longer do anything as a family or you don't have any sex life and your marriage is over because you didn't say anything? Or till he does become ill and all the devastation that will cause.

Is there any form of exercise he likes or has shown interest in? The gym is one but can be boring. What about cycling? Swimming? They are both great for heavier people as they are Jon weight bearing so don't damage joints. And then as soon as he loses a couple of stone he will be so inspired and feel so much better it will be easy to lose a stone or so more. He really doesn't have much weight to lose if he is toning up at the same time.

You could try talking about his tiredness and lack of sleep rather than his weight. Actually, they are almost certainly connected-lack of sleep contributes to weight gain in a couple of ways.

If your DH slept better, the chances are he would be more likely to feel able to change some eating habits. There is no guarantee, but he might. And getting good sleep is a key health issue anyway.

I sympathise OP. I'm very worried about my husband too: overweight (not obese though), no exercise, highly stressed, working until early hours of the morning every night, money worries, the right age for a heart attack. It's a recipe for disaster. I'd kick myself from here to kingdom come if he had a heart attack and dropped dead and all I'd done was adopt an 'He's an adult' point of view. He is, but he's also my husband. And actually, more significant than that, he's my children's father!! I'm not going to drag him down. But I do flag to him the importance of getting and staying healthy - for the sake of our beloved kids. I couldn't bear it if they lost their dad to something easily identifiable and preventable. He fully understands, but struggles to find time and head space.

OP I do sympathise. My DH is most definitely obese and I worry about him constantly. Heart attacks run in my family and I lost my father at a very young age so healthy eating and fitness are extremely important to me but unfortunately obesity and poor eating runs in his family and it's not an easy habit to break. I have tried talking to him, nagging, encouraging him to exercise more, I make sure I cook every night so I know he is eating at least one healthy meal per day but his weight remains the same. Now, after a health check (came back fine), I have reluctantly decided to leave him to it. I know he wants to lose weight but it is not going to happen until he makes the decision to do so and nothing I do or say will change that. He is a grown man and treating him like a child just causes him to resent me and dig his heels in. I still love him and fancy him as much as I did when I first met him and the last thing I want is arguments and unpleasantness when he comes home. And I have to say it goes both ways as he barely noticed when it took me three years to lose the baby weight from my last child!
I think the best thing to do is just let it be. Perhaps take charge of the shopping and cooking so you know he is eating well at home (we have a no 'junk food' in the house rule, except for birthdays, Christmas etc) but you can't control what he does when you aren't there. It needs to be his choice.

Thank you posterme and motherbeat I lost my dad last year to a heart attack and he was more active and less over weight than DH. I also have prehypertension and am doing something about it.
If I don't help him and the same happens to him then I'd forgive myself.

DH and I had a chat last night and we are going to do vegetarian in the week and both join the gym.