AIBU to bug my DH to lose weight?

[Bellabooboo]

DH is morbidly obese, a good 20 Stone for a 6"5 (I admit it's tall), he's got a 42/44 inch waist. He looks grey and sallow, does not exercise (says he doesn't have time- but sits on his bottom at home once we've got the kids to bed, they've been playing up recently - so 9pm but normally 7pm).
He enjoys cooking but is not always the healthiest cook. He cooks for us most nights but since DD2 was born and moved house we've had loads of takeaways as been too tired to cook. Somehow though I've gone back to a pre baby weight but he's stayed at his current weight.
He drinks a lot of coffee (baby wakes us up) and Diet Coke. I never see him drink water but he says he does.
I'm so so worried about him. I'm going on a health kick now as my bp was slightly raised at the GP today. DH just doesn't seem bothered by it though despite claiming he's constantly knackered (he has a stressful job even though it's 9-5) and falls asleep on the sofa as soon as he's eaten (I busy around)
I'm so worried about him. I appreciate he's tired but he doesn't help himself. I'm worried about his health and to be honest, his gut is off putting sexually. I have never told him this.

I don't see why 'he's an adult' is in any way an unacceptable way to think.

I would be horrified if someone I loved spoke about me like that.

Livia - it's your choice to do so but it's wrong choice if it impacts the lives of others. The fact is he does want to lose weight, he's lost weight before, he'll make comments about wanting to do it.

I do think I have an obligation to stop my loved one in an early grave. I disagree with you.

The clothes thing is that he's simply too darn lazy to type his bank details into the computer but he will repeatedly say 'I need new clothes'. I get sick of hearing it so I go and order the whole shop for him to try on. I'm not trying to control him by doing that he's not obliged to have any

Wannabestressfree - Id be delighted someone cared enough about me and wanted to help me.

Thosevsaying I don't like my DH I do which is why I care enough about him to want him to be around to see his DDs grow up!

My partner went from a bmi of 34 to a bmi of 29 in a year. He's also a big guy - not massively tall, but just one of those physically dense individuals who build muscle quickly.

He was a fat kid and has a lot of issues re guilt and shame about food. For the length of our relationship it's been tricky and I've often found myself in the position of unthinkingly being the food police. Funnily enough, this did nothing to change things.

What did help: he weighed himself and got the 'enough is enough' motivation. I could not bring him to this point, unfortunately. I backed off but bought him a book called the beck diet solution which is basically applying cbt approaches to weight loss. This was in July last year. Then in October, I found a book called always hungry which is basically low sugar, slow carb. I decided I also wanted to lose some weight as I was at the top end of the normal bmi range and felt happier when I was a bit lower.

The plan required us both to be invested in cooking and meal planning. It levelled the playing field so that he was no longer passive re food choices. He upped his physical work outs - we tend to do our own thing, he likes lifting and I like running. We did do a whole 30 days of yoga together which was great. Once he's got a clear target to go at, he commits so that was a win. He made all 30 days of it (even though sometimes we were doing it at 11pm :) ). I wimped out one day because I was ill.

In the past I've tried my own kick and it didn't work. What helped here was he got so far on his own, then together we built on his success. He lost 10lb before we started in November 2016, and a further 20lb since then. I also made a commitment to zip my lip about his choices, no matter how irritating. He is a grown up and gets to decide how he eats. However, I can help him by making it really easy for him to eat stuff that agrees with him. Apparently he thought it was normal to swell up like a balloon and feel ill after eating bread or pizza...

In your situation initially I'd focus on wellbeing. He's knackered, he needs something more sustaining. I'd recommend the always hungry book but other plans are available. A low sugar approach would help. He also might enjoy moving doing something more enjoyable than 'exercising'. A post dinner stroll. A game of tennis. A bike ride. Yoga! ( I seriously never thought that I would persuade boyfriend but he's always had back trouble and it's really helped. We like yoga with adriene on YouTube: free!). Dancing? Even if it's just you two being daft at home. It sounds like things are a bit joyless, and I would be thinking more about how to facilitate a bit of fun into things. Enjoy holiday, tell him to enjoy the pool. Wear a Tshirt or go when it's quiet. try and create some time where you both get to be active and fun.

says he's not comfortable with his body.
Plus buying diet cookbooks.

So he knows, and cares.

Have you actually sat him down and asked him what he'd like you to do to help? (Eg. after you found him buying another diet cookbook.)

I think "nagging" (I think it's legitimate concerns but it'll be experienced as nagging...) isn't helpful, he has to want to do it himself, which he obviously does on some level. With encouragement from yourself, in a carrot rather than stick way.

Also, imo perfectly balanced, veg-filled small portions are also not helpful at this stage. He's more at the "don't eat entire bag of doughnuts" and "aim for 5 veg a day" stage. Starting with smaller changes rather than an impossible (at this stage) to follow diet, that could lead to bingeing cycles.

The cookbook thing might be a starting point? You could make it a family thing, teaching the DC about healthy eating/setting an example... If he's a good cook/likes cooking, you could encourage trying out the new recipes, getting together a fortnightly meal plan or whatever (batch cooking great!) Have a day a week where you all try a new kind or exotic fruit, or something.

Sorry if these are stupid idead . I sympathise, and don't think the role-reversal posts are helpful. The context is just so different for men and women, and our bodies work differently. (Rich men and poor women are the most likely to be overweight, for physical and societal reasons.)

Also, just... love him. If he's binge eating in secret he'll be feeling dreadful.

It's good you love him and you want o see him reach a ripe old age.

You need to think about what's the most effective way to do that.

(Rather than whether it's right or wrong to care)

There's a lot of evidence that controlling behavior makes e.g. Emotional eating worse.

If your DH is a reformed bankrupt, he maybe has good reason not to type his bank details in the computer. It's one of his defenses against spending too much money maybe? Like Odysseus instructing his sailors to lash him to the mast whilst they rowed past the sirens (with wax earplugs themselves). I wouldn't interfere with them hat one or mentally categorise it as laziness. It's just the same as some people won't keep sweets/biscuits in the house. He's identified his reliable locus of control and is sticking to it.

And also, maybe he used to be an emotional spender? Now he eats emotionally as a displacement activity for that? So one way of looking at it is that he has swapped one harmful dependency activity for an arguably less harmful dependency activity. (At least it one where there is probably more time to sort out the consequences, and where the consequences for the people close to him are less immediately impactful).

So could he start to swap that new dependency activity for either an even less harmful activity or possibly a positive one? A hobby, or sport, or meditation or something similar. Or cooking- if he has all those cook books that might be a sign it's something he is interested in.

Encouraging him into something positive he can depend on in a positive way is very different from nagging/controlling. It needs to be something he chooses though.

Of course you have the right to an opinion but you can't physically stop him and what if he does get more sneaky? Genuine question. You can control how you react to his actions but not control the actions themselves.

I get you are frustrated but treating him like a child isn't going to help.

If it becomes a dealbreaker then that's for you to decide.

But ideas about jollying him along, stopping him buying cookbooks, changing his coffee to decaf? That's horrible.

If he complains about not having new clothes then just ignore him - he is capable of getting them if he wants them.

You seem to want to behave like his mother - that's not going to encourage a healthy happy relationship

Role reversal is totally legitimate in the context of a spouse deciding that their spouse needs a change of lifestyle, regardless of whether they want it or are able to do it.

Or is it okay for men to swap food, sign their wives up for the gym, check their car etc? Presumably that's fine

Agree with BBC- cookbooks are the starting point and small steps like adding extra fruits/veggies. Encouragement and letting him find his own way. If he says he's uncomfortable with himself and he's looking at cookbooks, he does know, and he is starting to find his own path. Just don't block that path, or try to impose your path on him.

I haven't read all the comments so hope I'm not being repetitive.

It's hard to motivate yourself after being at work all day and all you want to do is eat, watch rubbish TV and then sleep. I found myself in this cycle and now my clothes are tight and my vanity is pushing me to address my weight gain.

But, you're not being unreasonable and your concerns are valid. Heart Disease and Diabetes are top of his "potential" life threatening issues which are also affecting a huge proportion of the UK. Prevention is very high on the agenda for the NHS and Public Health agencies.

Before you do anything you definitely need to get your husband onboard rather than by stealth. And make changes together as a family so you can support each other.

I would suggest encouraging small incremental changes try one for a few weeks, get used to it then introduce another etc e.g.

...reduce sugar in tea/coffee by one spoonful at a time. Change from full fat milk, to semi skimmed milk, to skimmed.

....change from caffeinated hot drinks to herbal drinks....

....the gym doesn't work for a lot of people, especially when they feel tired and it becomes an expensive waste. The evenings are brighter and warmer now so as a family, after eating go out for walks a few evenings per week. Slowly build up from a short walk e.g. 10mins there and back (total 20minutes). Or get a dog (if you can afford/have space/like dogs)....

Eat less red meat switch to quorn..

Reduce carbs and load up on vegetables...

The list is endless and loads of info floating around on the internet.

But..ultimately your husband must want to make the changes for himself as well.

Good luck

And like it or not, there is nothing like someone else being determined to change you to make you feel crap about yourself. And if he's overeating then he's going to eat more.

PP saying he has to want to are right. There's a difference between saying you want to and actually being motivated

And I agree, you need to stop being the food police. It's really hard, but you must. I absolutely hated watching my partner stuff himself then half an hour later have to listen to inevitable recriminations. But guess what, policing what he ate did jack. It got a lot better for us when I learnt to just be non commital either way. Not a word about what he eats, and no comment when he lamented. I didn't always get this right, and I apologised when I found I had commented. I also stood firm when he over reacted to perceived criticism :) Giving him options that were easy, and discussing plans at emotionally neutral times e.g. Not introducing idea of diet when he was mid despairing rant.

I've just remembered something. Aldi do a "super six" promotion on fruit and vegetables that are in season which changes every fortnight. I try to buy whatever is in the supersix and meal plan around this. Encouraging me to eat my five a day, gets me out of a diet rut because I challenge myself to try different meals and I save a few pennies while I'm at it

If the reason for all this is he's tired and feels like shit then DO NOT suddenly get him on a low-calorie, low carb crash diet, and loads of cardio. He will feel even worse, secretly eat sweets and chocolate etc behind your back which will make him feel worse, he won't lose any weight and he'll think 'diets don't work'.

I'd start making him a blend (NOT juice) of something like spinach, carrots, avocado, apples and chia seed or flax seed. Start with a pint a day, then after a couple of weeks get him to drink and pint in the morning and a pint before bed. I've personally found just doing this gives me so much more energy and makes you feel better. As many people have said, start with nice brisk fresh air walks as something to do together.

Finally, if he does go to the gym, try and get him to do weights - he will see results quicker, and you can get some POSTIVE reinforcement in - rather than 'I don't fancy you as you're so fat', once he starts getting some muscle then something like 'ooh, look at your muscles! You look hot etc' will make him want to carry on. Encourage him to do classes at the gym rather than cardio on his own, there's nowhere to hide and you do so much more.

Good luck!

I'm doing Slimming world diet from home (no group) and because the food is so nice and it's healthy. I feed everyone in the family the same. They've all lost weight.
If you did this he won't know. You could try it for a month and see if he looses weight.

I was really worried about my partner's health who was a similar BMI to your husband. I did tell him I was starting to cook in a different way, but that I would never be the 'food police'. Hes free to eat as much of what I put in front of him as he needs to.

He gave it a go, and after two week he was enjoying the food so much he committed to the diet with me. He's never hungry, and has lost 2 stone in 3 months now, and that's with some kebabs and take away too. Men seem to loose weight fast on a low fat diet, so the odd night off a week hadn't hurt his overall weight loss.

My weight loss, however, goes to pot if I don't stick to the plan

I agree with slimming world. I don't follow the actual plan but I use a lot of the recipes. It's proper food based around eating more lean protein and vegetables.

If he doesn't like your cooking then you can make all the healthy stuff in the world, and he will still get takeaways

Not read full thread.... But I posted a similar thread in relationships a few months back.

Many posters sympathetic to the situation - but lots were not -to put it mildly.

I tried everything , encouraged , pleaded, nagged, argued , 'rewarded'.

Nothing worked....

Until I told him I didn't want to have sex with him any more. He was disappointed ... Surprised ... Asked if I never wanted sex again...I said I just didn't feel In the mood anymore.

So said this over a month ago. It's early days but certainly since that time he's made more effort with gym and excercise and not over eating for years.

It's improved his mood - he's lost 11 pounds, but still has treats and alcohol . It's basically confirmed to me that if wants to do it - he can. I won't hold my breath but....it's looking promising

Not projecting at all - I just don't think anyone has the right to control another adult and infantilise them. But i see I'm in a minority

And I don't have self image struggles. Now who is projecting?

Lordbeefcurtains - I was about to say the exact same thing and Livia you do seem to be taking this all very personally