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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to bug my DH to lose weight?

139 replies

Bellabooboo · 16/05/2017 23:31

DH is morbidly obese, a good 20 Stone for a 6"5 (I admit it's tall), he's got a 42/44 inch waist. He looks grey and sallow, does not exercise (says he doesn't have time- but sits on his bottom at home once we've got the kids to bed, they've been playing up recently - so 9pm but normally 7pm).
He enjoys cooking but is not always the healthiest cook. He cooks for us most nights but since DD2 was born and moved house we've had loads of takeaways as been too tired to cook. Somehow though I've gone back to a pre baby weight but he's stayed at his current weight.
He drinks a lot of coffee (baby wakes us up) and Diet Coke. I never see him drink water but he says he does.
I'm so so worried about him. I'm going on a health kick now as my bp was slightly raised at the GP today. DH just doesn't seem bothered by it though despite claiming he's constantly knackered (he has a stressful job even though it's 9-5) and falls asleep on the sofa as soon as he's eaten (I busy around)
I'm so worried about him. I appreciate he's tired but he doesn't help himself. I'm worried about his health and to be honest, his gut is off putting sexually. I have never told him this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bellabooboo · 17/05/2017 00:28

Livia- there's no question of me leaving him, it doesn't even enter into my head. I love him very much, but I want him to be healthy and happy. He's a man of excess and I'm not going to sit idly whilst someone I love puts them self in an early grave. Money wise DH is a reformed bankrupt.

I think I'm going to continue with my own crusade on my health and hope he follows suit. I'm not sure how I'd feel if something happened to him (as it did to one of my parents last year for similar reasons) maybe I'd feel there was something more I could have done?

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LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 17/05/2017 00:33

Unfortunately you can't stop him getting to that point. And it will make him worse if you go on at him.

Fair enough to carry on with your own regime but nagging/booking gym memberships is going to make him feel absolutely crap about himself. And instead of thinking 'oh I will change' he may eat more. And he will get more secretive with it.
Nothing wrong with you being concerned, it's just not for you to try to change him

CheeseQueen · 17/05/2017 01:12

YABU. Yes, I appreciate you're concerned about his health as you love him.
However, he has to want to do it for himself.
I'm currently overweight by several stone. I know I am. I never used to be. I know exactly how to eat healthily and lose weight sensibly, but my head just isn't "clicking." Started on the exercise but the food still needs work.
No amount of nagging, moaning or genuine concern will have an impact if he doesn't think "hang on a minute, I feel crap. I need to do something about this."

CheeseQueen · 17/05/2017 01:14

I think I'm going to continue with my own crusade on my health and hope he follows suit.
That's all you can do. Hopefully he'll follow suit. You can't force him to though.

WaitingYetAgain · 17/05/2017 01:28

What things does he like to eat? You said he's not keen on your cooking, that he likes to cook and was buying diet/healthy eating cookbooks, so is it possible you can cook together and find healthier versions/recipes of the foods he does like to eat? I think motivation through passion and enjoyment of the food would be easier to harness than trying to encourage things like the gym.

Topseyt · 17/05/2017 02:47

Honestly, do NOT go around booking gym membership on someone else's behalf. It would come across as judgy and officious. I wouldn't be at all happy if someone did that to me, whatever their intentions. It would make me feel that they were being controlling and dictatorial, which would in turn have the opposite effect to the one you are intending for your DH. Just don't.

He has to want to do it and to motivate himself. You just can't do it for him.

FastForward2 · 17/05/2017 02:48

Op i have similar dh!

If he has said he would like to go to the gym I think you should definitely make every effort to join a gym and make time for him to go. This is not nagging, just making sure he gives himself some time to look after himself.

Encourage healthy habits so that he is fit to play with the kidz when they are older. Going to the gym or swimming will make him feel better.

I would not go for 'diet' meals as it might just make the secret eating worse and nagging people to lose weight may be counter productive. Chilli or Curry or bolognaise with lots of added veg and/or beans or lentils to bulk it out, stir fry, loads of veg, lean or white meat, fish, wraps with stir fry, small baked potatoes etc. Split takeaway portions in 2.

My dh recently kicked the diet coke habit and has more energy now, he buys 33cl water bottles to drink instead. They are a rip off really but for some reason this seems to help, he takes a 12 pack of them to work for on the desk.

I stopped him sleeping on sofa by putting lights on really bright and waking him whenever he did, and he just joined a gym with pool so can go swimming instead of vegging out on sofa every night. He suggested the gym not me, but it was me got him to actually go there and join.

ShastaBeast · 17/05/2017 07:08

I worry about my DH similarly but he's just a little into the overweight category, I'm top end of normal so not far behind. He wants to be better, which sounds like your DH does too, so I can tap into his motivations to enable him to make changes - reducing chocolate consumption and going for a run which he wants to do. I will ask him not to buy bad food for my benefit, I'm still trying to get him to stop buy crap for the kids, and he's been cooking meals for my diet and joining in - high fat and reduced carbs with lots of healthy veggies. He's more motivated to run if I give him a job to do like popping to a shop, and he has an app with work friends to show where he ran, so some positive peer pressure and encouragement. I guess he eats better and exercises more if it's for the benefit of someone else but can't just do it for himself alone.

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent · 17/05/2017 07:22

My DW was getting verry overweight. I didn't say anything because that would have been nagging. Then she decided for herself she wanted to look after her health.

Since the beginning of the year she has lost over a stone and a half.. Given she is only 4'10" that is a lot on her. Right now she is admiring her figure in front of the mirror.. (and giving me a lovely vision to boot)

changingmylifecompletely28489 · 17/05/2017 07:26

Right. So: he needs POSITIVE motivation. I mean: if you nag him not only that he won't give a damn, but he'll eat more.

What you can do: adopt yourself a healthy lifestyle

Take over the cooking and make salads, veg curry, healthy desserts, even homemade pizza rather than the greasy takeaways

At the weekend suggest you'd go for a long walk & pack healthy snacks or even a picnic.

See my point? That'd work on me!

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent · 17/05/2017 07:35

It is piffing down with rain today here in the Sarf East... Even so we are walking to the pub in the next village this afternoon mostly for the exercise. (no pints of beer for DW).. We will also do some leafletting the weekend for the election. It is an odd one. The candidate helped us a lot and indeed saved our business a few years ago when various public sector types were being incompetent. I don't want to vote for the party, just help the individual who saved our bacon.

ClemDanfango · 17/05/2017 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kittencatkins123 · 17/05/2017 08:54

I don't think it's unreasonable to want your partner to be within a healthy weight range because it's important for him to be a) alive b) able to do stuff with and set a good example for the kids. I would suggest you both join a gym with a pool that do baby and kids swimming classes and also exercise classes as you'll get a quicker hit/work harder in a class in less time. I also agree with going on family walks and just generally eating healthier (fewer carbs, avoiding white carbs where possible, lots of veg, protein). What's his drinking like (alcohol?). Also I would speak to him about it and say you just want to make sure you are both healthy for the kids so let's both do this etc (so he knows it's not about attractiveness or anything else). If he's trying to do positive things like buying a diet cookbook be supportive! Even if he has 5 in the garage. Maybe start buying womens health as they have good recipes and exercise stuff that's just as applicable to men and might get him interested/motivated.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 17/05/2017 08:57

Perhaps you could put marbles in a jar when he eats a healthy meal and then buy him a treat when he has ten or whatever? (As people seem to think that infantilising him is okay)

educatingarti · 17/05/2017 09:01

Has he had a check up from the go. Extreme tiredness can be a symptom of diabetes.

MrsChopper · 17/05/2017 09:10

Maybe encourage him to go to the gym, buy him some decent work out gear. He could try slimming world and you could all eat sw friendly meals together.

Like pp have said though, you can't force him and nagging might have the opposite effect.

Original poster

Bellabooboo · 17/05/2017 09:13

Kitten- The cook books are unopened. Perhaps I'll dig them out during nap time and see if we could look at them again.

The women's health mag is a good idea. I'll buy it in Sainsbury's later I'm going to go and make some healthy rice and veg style lunches for him.

Livia- I was thinking about giving him a gold star for every pound he loses actually!

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Original poster

Bellabooboo · 17/05/2017 09:16

We are going on holiday soon he's been harping on about summer clothes for ages. So I've gone and ordered him loads for a try on session otherwise he'd have nothing to wear and he'd be moaning on holiday and it would drive me crazy.
He won't go swimming with DD says he's not comfortable with his body. Not sure how our villa holiday is going to work out!

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Original poster

Bellabooboo · 17/05/2017 09:19

Educatingarti- apparently his blood pressure is fine but not checked for diabetes I don't think. I can understand why he's tired, he pumps himself full of caffeine during the day then stays up until midnight watching stupid zombie programmes.

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pringlecat · 17/05/2017 09:25

What his weight like pre-DC (i.e. before the sleepless nights and running around kicked in)? Did he previously go to the gym (and it wouldn't be a big stretch going back if he could find the time/energy) or has he never been into his exercise?

Original poster

Bellabooboo · 17/05/2017 09:56

Pre DC we did go to the gym but have childcare lacking now. Perhaps I could ask my DM to come watch them for an hour whilst they are asleep for us. He is into exercise, he's done a few charity treks etc and he played rugby at university.

DCs wake up once a night (she's only 9 months) and DD1 i think nursery are taking the piss with nap times and letting her sleep for hours which of course means she doesn't go down until 9/10 on nursery days.

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Original poster

Bellabooboo · 17/05/2017 09:58

TBH the weight aside it'd be good if he just went to bed earlier and stopped drinking so much caffeine so perhaps he wouldn't be so tired.

I hope our holiday will be the reset button he needs.

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ImALurkerNotAFighter · 17/05/2017 10:10

You sound like a bit of a nightmare TBH.
No one chooses to be fat. There are so many genetic/hormonal/psychological/cultural factors involved. If you're worried, try and be supportive. Otherwise you'll just alienate him, It seems you're treating him like a sullen teenager.

Original poster

Bellabooboo · 17/05/2017 10:18

Aww thanks lurker. Im just worried about my DH actually.

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Original poster

Bellabooboo · 17/05/2017 10:23

I am sorry but yes being so overweight IS his choice. He can chose what goes in his mouth. He's been much thinner before. He needs to take responsibility for his health and I think ill leave it at that.

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