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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to not move for DH job?

137 replies

Maisy84 · 18/04/2017 19:10

Will try and sum this up quickly! My partner works for a London company who are relocating their HQ to Dorset area. If we move to Dorset area he will get a promotion and a 30k relocation package. I work 3 days a week in London (where we currently live) and have just been offered a promotion which would probably result in me having to up my work hours. We had children young (25) and I've had two maternity leaves and gone part time, it finally felt like it was my time to concentrate on my career for a bit, I really love what I do. But he is by far the biggest bread winner and if we move we can get a lovely house with big garden, be near the sea and dump our 2 bed flat in zone 4! I could commute and maybe stay in London part time but I could never realistically up my work hours so would be stuck career wise I think. It seems crazy to even contemplate staying but I'm worried about career and all of our children's friends (6 and 2) although I'm sure they would make new ones. Between us we earn around 100k per year, just under, and have a reasonably standard of living, apart from commuting it would probably be higher in Dorset. If he looks for something new it won't be as senior as he works in a very specific field. Help!

OP posts:
VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 18/04/2017 19:13

What is your employment potential in Dorset?

Original poster
Maisy84 · 18/04/2017 19:14

Very limited! I think it would be working from home and commuting.

OP posts:
HerBluebiro · 18/04/2017 19:22

I'd move. The advantage to you not having yet established yourself in your own career is the prospect of starting afresh in a related but not identical field is perhaps not as daunting.

100k goes far further in Dorset than in London. Nice house and garden and ability to afford private school and some holidays should you wish. You could feel well off, which I imagine you don't in London right now.

But then I am not a fan of city living and would jump at the chance to leave. For others the desire is the opposite direction

AlcoholicsUnanimous · 18/04/2017 19:26

If you go full time would this make up for your partner earning less were he to get a new job? I think YANBU, but obviously you need to think practically about the alternatives. How would he feel about leaving the company he works for? What's the potential for further promotion and pay increases in the years to come?

Original poster
Maisy84 · 18/04/2017 19:29

Me going full time wouldn't bridge the gap sadly! I feel like I'm also worried about moving into a community that's going to be a bit closer to outsiders, currently live in a slightly rough but very friendly part of London that I've grown very fond off despite the odd bit of fly tipping! Maybe I need to get a grip.

OP posts:
HNY2017 · 18/04/2017 19:35

How old are you kids?

HNY2017 · 18/04/2017 19:36

Your kids even

HNY2017 · 18/04/2017 19:37

Sorry, I see 6 and 2.

I'd move. They are little enough for it to be easy enough for them and the lifestyle benefits seem to outweigh your current set up.

witsender · 18/04/2017 19:38

Whereabouts in Dorset? It is commutable to many places. I would have to consider it very hard, putting the job aside I would be there like a shot.

HerBluebiro · 18/04/2017 19:38

You wouldn't be an outsider if you lived there. What makes you worry they will be closed off to you? What makes your bit of London so friendly?

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 18/04/2017 19:43

I wouldn't, why does he get to be the only one to follow and further his career simply as he's male? I'd only do it if I could continue on my career path and he pulled his weight with regards to the children.

Relationships are never guaranteed, you could give up your chance at a career and the relationship fail later in.

gleam · 18/04/2017 19:44

Can you first find out if you would have to up your working hours?

Also, what exactly does the 30k relocation package involve?

LadyLapsang · 18/04/2017 19:50

Leaving out the relocation package, how much more will he earn pa and how does this compare with your current financial situation with two salaries. Sounds like you may be forced out of work. Alternatively, how do you envisage commuting to London would work? Who would take and collect your eldest and who would look after the 2 year-old? Is your DH very hands-on about childcare now? Would you sell your flat or rent it out? And what happens further down the line, if you have sold the London flat and your DH were made redundant etc. If his options are limited in London now, what would they be like in Dorset? I would be very wary unless you are prepared to be a SAHP or endure low pay and career prospects.

ivykaty44 · 18/04/2017 19:55

Canon not relocate were Dorset and London, ten

gleam · 18/04/2017 19:56

If you'd already taken the promotion, what do you think you'd have done?

Would it be a good idea for your dh to expand his skills? Otherwise he could end up in too much of a niche job and might find it hard finding alternative work if that job folds.

HermioneJeanGranger · 18/04/2017 19:58

Could you move somewhere midway between the two? Best of both worlds, perhaps?

AlcoholicsUnanimous · 18/04/2017 20:00

It sounds as if you don't want to leave London. I live in London too and completely understand. Could he work from home at all if you stayed in London and just go down to Dorset for a few days a week, stay in an Air BnB or something similar? There are obviously advantages to moving, but I think bringing up kids in London is great. There are so many opportunities available to them just don't exist anywhere else. It's obviously where you need to be for your career too.

corythatwas · 18/04/2017 20:04

I would not move just for the children if they are ok where they are and you think you would be isolated + unhappy. My mother did and it was quite a heavy burden of guilt for the rest of us to bear. By the time we got to our late teens we all upped and left and she was stuck in the sticks because it was too late to have a career elsewhere.

Not unless your dh is unhappy where he is- then obviously you have to negotiate. I would try to weigh up not the financial benefits but the respective sums of combined unhappiness.

Original poster
Maisy84 · 18/04/2017 20:14

I really, really don't want to be a SAHP or to go into a low paid job im not interested in. I work in media and am basically being offered a senior producer position. He earns over 70k currently and I earn around 27k part time. He will probably go on to be Very senior if he sticks with this company which seems to be expanding rapidly and his future earning potential is much higher than mine. Our area of London probably just feels friendly because we live here, I don't know where good places in Dorset are to look! I kind of feel like I'm just retiring if we move but am perhaps feeling a little panicked.

OP posts:
PeterHouseMD · 18/04/2017 20:15

There are going to be a lot of upheavels and redundancies on the jobs front in the coming years. Brexit and automation will decimate a lot of sectors.

How likely are these to impact his career or your career?

I think you need to think long term and strategically. While £100k in Dorset is all very good in the short term, it might not be the wisest move to put all your eggs in one basket at the moment. None of us can give you the answer. It really depends on what sector you both are in.

I would also be reluctant to sacrifice your career for his.

Tainbri · 18/04/2017 20:19

Gosh that's a real dilemma. I think you both need to lay cards on the table about what you both want out of the future and also where the kids fit into both of your lives. The grass isn't always greener. It's not an easy one, and one of you is going to have to compromise or at least adapt/find an alternative solution but one things for sure, which ever way it goes you don't want an aggrieved party who's gong to use what potentially they have "given up" as a weapon, especially if the kids end up getting dragged into it. It should be a joint decision at the end of the day. Good luck!!

Lim0ne · 18/04/2017 20:19

It's a tricky one because once you've left London, it may be difficult to ever return due to house price inflation being so much higher than other areas.
How do the schools compare in that area of Dorset compared to where you are now? Think carefully about secondary schools too and catchment areas, even though it seems a long way off now! London can be hellishly competitive. If you went down the private route, it's usually significantly cheaper outside London as well.
Could you embrace a more rural life, do you think? Only you can be the judge of that.
The good news is that it's easy to make new friends when you have young children.
How much more does he earn than you? It's very difficult to give up in your promotion though Confused Might you resent your DH for this in the future, do you think?

ivykaty44 · 18/04/2017 20:21

So can you move between London and Dorset so you both commute? Newbury area?

Lim0ne · 18/04/2017 20:21

Sorry will he actually be out if a job if you don't go? If this is the case, do you have any choice?

Thumbcat · 18/04/2017 20:21

If I were you I'd choose to stay in London and concentrate on my career. Your DH will need to find a way to make things work in his career which doesn't involve you having to sacrifice yours.