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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not move for DH job?

137 replies

Maisy84 · 18/04/2017 19:10

Will try and sum this up quickly! My partner works for a London company who are relocating their HQ to Dorset area. If we move to Dorset area he will get a promotion and a 30k relocation package. I work 3 days a week in London (where we currently live) and have just been offered a promotion which would probably result in me having to up my work hours. We had children young (25) and I've had two maternity leaves and gone part time, it finally felt like it was my time to concentrate on my career for a bit, I really love what I do. But he is by far the biggest bread winner and if we move we can get a lovely house with big garden, be near the sea and dump our 2 bed flat in zone 4! I could commute and maybe stay in London part time but I could never realistically up my work hours so would be stuck career wise I think. It seems crazy to even contemplate staying but I'm worried about career and all of our children's friends (6 and 2) although I'm sure they would make new ones. Between us we earn around 100k per year, just under, and have a reasonably standard of living, apart from commuting it would probably be higher in Dorset. If he looks for something new it won't be as senior as he works in a very specific field. Help!

OP posts:
museumum · 19/04/2017 18:30

I've honestly never come across a situation where an employer is deemed good enough for a promotion and relocation but if they can't move for family reasons they get fired or a pay cut.
With the exception of the whole business relocating why would it make any sense to force someone you want to promote to leave the business instead? Confused

InvisibleKittenAttack · 19/04/2017 18:51

Museumum - I have seen the case that someone who's role is disappearing being offered a promotion to another town rather than lose them. It looks like that case here. The OP's DH's job in London is going, how quickly and if he can get another beforehand is not known. They can't live on her wage alone.

OP - I would look at Bristol, could you work from there? If not could you sell your 2bed flat, buy a smaller 1 bed in London to keep you in the market (freeing up some money to buy a bigger place in Bristol/Dorset - or keep your 2 bed and rent the spare room out), then you do a couple of nights a week in London, rest at 'home' in Dorset?

You would probably have to hire a nanny, but if you are working full time and he's had a big promotion, that will pay for that.

He should be prepared to look at solutions that keep your job going. There are options and "Dorset" doesn't have to mean middle of nowhere and you being a SAHM.

(Keep some property in London though, best if you think long term you might need to move back for either of your careers)

JeNeBaguetteRien · 19/04/2017 19:01

I would stay put and have DH commute for a year and reevaluate then. That will give you time to get to know Dorset at your own pace. Personally I think the novelty of small town life would wear off after living in London, that buzz does not exist in Dorset and being near the sea or New Forest etc is only a bonus if you like that kind of thing. It would also give DH time to see what HE thinks of Dorset as a place to live. I think being swayed by a one-off relocation package would be a foolish move for both of you.

Coastalcommand · 19/04/2017 19:24

I'd make the move. I've done similar recently (also work in media, moved from big city to rural with DH job). Really love the quality of life we have here and I've been surprised how much work I've picked up freelance. I had only intended working part time but have so much freelance work. Most I do from home, with occasional meetings in London. It works for us, and I have a much better work/life balance.

JennyHolzersGhost · 19/04/2017 20:04

This thread is fascinating for the diversity of opinion expressed.

My own contribution = OP, I think it fundamentally comes down to what understanding you and your DH had when you decided to have kids and commit to each other. We're you agreed that you would be a 2-career household? If so then sorry to him but he's going to have to suck it up - you've made clear compromises in your career already and now you're getting an opportunity you're in a position to take.

JennyHolzersGhost · 19/04/2017 20:04

*were not we're.

LittleBearPad · 19/04/2017 20:22

If you do go then I'd rent out your London house and rent in Dorset to give yourself time to decide. If you sell up in London you might not be able to buy back in if you want to return.

If you do like Dorset you get to figure out where you like without buying until you've decided.

mygorgeousmilo · 19/04/2017 20:38

The other stuff, I'm not entirely sure. But the children's friends issue, I really believe that they will make new ones in a heartbeat at that age. I moved across the country at age 6 and kept in touch with a couple of the first group via my mum seeing their parents once every few months, but my friends from age 6 onwards have been wonderful and are certainly friends for life. My DS6 has a really good friend that's just moved, I thought he'd be devastated but he's gotten over it very quickly, and I'm told that the little boy has fit right in at his new school. Don't let that be the dilemma that weighs you down.

StealthPolarBear · 19/04/2017 21:17

I'm starting to think I have been very foolish. Dh and I got together young and never really discussed our expectations of married life or what woukd happen when we had children. We didn't have careers at that point and had no idea how our lives would work out.

JennyHolzersGhost · 19/04/2017 21:33

Time to have that convo now Stealth! It's never too late.

StealthPolarBear · 19/04/2017 22:08

Well we've just sort of fallen into arrangements that work for us but we've been lucky I suppose. And I think it might be on the late side, ds will be in secondary soon!

purplecoathanger · 19/04/2017 22:09

I would definitely move.

OVienna · 19/04/2017 23:18

Basingstoke a compromise?

I would not give up your job in London. No way. And- we have friends in Dorset. DH worked there for several years before we married. Depending on where you live in London and where you are looking at in Dorset you may be very surprised to find the prices of property are not as different as you imagine.

I loathed it though so I am not one to talk. Achingly bland.

EveningShadows · 19/04/2017 23:25

I moved out of London to a more rural way of life and hated every minute of it - if you love London like I did then beware.

Rural life might be wonderful for young kids but deathly dull for teenagers (my dh grew up in a rural area).

We've now moved back to the SE, not quite London sadly but as good as it gets Smile

EBearhug · 19/04/2017 23:29

Basingstoke a compromise?

But... it's Basingstoke...

(I live there. I'm allowed to say it.)

Original poster
Maisy84 · 20/04/2017 00:30

Thanks to everyone for your opinions, it's certainly given me food for thought. To be clear the whole company is being merged into a new base in the Dorset area, should have said in the original post.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maisy84 · 20/04/2017 00:32

EBearhug is Basingstoke that bad? My partner wasn't very complimentary about it! Great train links to London though!

OP posts:
firsttimemummy24 · 20/04/2017 03:25

What about moving somewhere like Winchester as a compromise? Its commutable every day to London or Dorset, some of the best state schools in the country and a wonderful place to bring children up without being too far from anything? I grew up there and loved it only recently decided to move away to move closer to my father who is ill, I used to commute to London and never found it an issue the rail links are very good and it's not much more that your commute already (depends where office is). I think fit this to work for you guys a compromise will need to be reached. I also think a PT nanny it childminder is a viable option to cover pick ups and drop offs. Good luck

firsttimemummy24 · 20/04/2017 03:26

For not fit*
Or not it! *

Bloody phone

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 20/04/2017 07:00

Basingstoke is an absolute shit hole. Don't move there. I used to police it.

OVienna · 20/04/2017 07:26

Okay okay Wink I was just trying to think of sensible stops I remembered from the interminably long train journeys to and from London...

Presumably there are villages nearby too? I had a colleague who commuted from Winchester to London daily. We really need to know where the OPs DH would be based as Dorset is Yuge.

purplecoathanger · 20/04/2017 07:33

Evening Parts of Dorset are rural but absolutely beautiful. The area around Bournemouth and Poole are extremely urban with stacks of things going on for teenagers.

EBearhug · 20/04/2017 08:31

Basingstoke isn't so bad - well, bits of it are - there are certain areas to avoid. It's just a bit uninspiring. The shopping mall has all the same shops as anywhere else, the few historic bits which weren't ripped out in the '60s are quite well hidden. It's got swimming pools and gyms and a skydiving place, and cinemas and all that. Fast trains to London are 45-50 minutes. Lots of nice countryside outside of it. But Winchester is far nicer, and not much further from London on the train.

EBearhug · 20/04/2017 08:39

I was just trying to think of sensible stops I remembered from the interminably long train journeys to and from London

Basingstoke, Winchester, Eastleigh, Southampton Airport Parkway, Southampton Central, Brockenhurst (change here for Lymington for the Isle of Wight,) erm, Hinton Admiral, New Milton, Pokesdown, Bournemouth, Parkstone, Poole, Hamworthy, Wareham, Wool, Moreton, Dorchester South, Upwey and Weymouth. Not all trains stop at all stations (which is a good thing.)

The Weymouth & Dorchester West line goes up to Bristol, but it's not exactly a commuter line. Scenic, though. Also the Exeter to Waterloo line, which is slower (and cheaper) than the Paddington route, goes through north Dorset. Gilingham (hard G, unlike Kent) and Sherborne, I think. People do commute that, but I think the Weymouth - Waterloo line would be better.

L0cationL0CATION · 20/04/2017 08:49

I had a similar choice

My partners job is being relocated and the package is 3K !

Its costing us more than 3K to move, but he keeps his job and I have a possible opportunity

We are looking forward to a new start and new life

Your husband is very lucky to have a 30K relocation package !

In your case I would be brave and move