AIBU to not move for DH job?

[Maisy84]

Will try and sum this up quickly! My partner works for a London company who are relocating their HQ to Dorset area. If we move to Dorset area he will get a promotion and a 30k relocation package. I work 3 days a week in London (where we currently live) and have just been offered a promotion which would probably result in me having to up my work hours. We had children young (25) and I've had two maternity leaves and gone part time, it finally felt like it was my time to concentrate on my career for a bit, I really love what I do. But he is by far the biggest bread winner and if we move we can get a lovely house with big garden, be near the sea and dump our 2 bed flat in zone 4! I could commute and maybe stay in London part time but I could never realistically up my work hours so would be stuck career wise I think. It seems crazy to even contemplate staying but I'm worried about career and all of our children's friends (6 and 2) although I'm sure they would make new ones. Between us we earn around 100k per year, just under, and have a reasonably standard of living, apart from commuting it would probably be higher in Dorset. If he looks for something new it won't be as senior as he works in a very specific field. Help!

After tax how much extra is this £30k payrise though when he's on as much as you say he is. Am guessing you'd get about £15,000, so an extra £800 or so a month and am not sure where you sit with getting whacked by the tax man for everything. (Think there's £20-30k around the £100k mark where you get really stuffed over.)
Also think once you leave London, you'll never move back so you both need to be honest about that. Future jobs likely to mean future moves I would have thought.

"So by all means stop him getting a promotion and live with the consequences." nothing like a bit of emotional guilt/blackmail is there? .

Any employer knows that any kind of relocation needs to be dependent on the whole family, and while I do agree that there are some employers who would limit one's career prospects after that, reality is that if this is the way they treat their staff they shouldn't be considered a long-term prospect anyway and you shouldn't put all your eggs in their basket.

I moved three times for my husband's job. The first time was after he left uni and got a graduate job, so I moved in with him and commuted for a year before I managed to find a job in the area. Fast forward two years from then and the project he was involved in folded so decided he wanted to move jobs to London to command a higher salary. We moved back to my home town and he commuted but it involved me having to again give up my job and find another one. I am visually impaired so finding a job for me is harder than the norm.

Anyway, DS was born and we decided mutually that I would give up work and become a sahm. By the time DS was eighteen months old H was fed up with the commute and wanted to move closer to london. Got as far as selling the house, putting in an offer on the new one and I was told how much more beneficial it would be for him and DS to move 200 miles away from my support network. Eventually had a bit of a crisis and said that i couldn't go through with a move so either we stayed put or I leave. We stayed put for another two years and then he brought up the idea again. This time we couldn't sell the house so it didn't happen. Built up my network with voluntary stuff etc, tried unsuccessfully for another baby then decided I wanted to go bac to work which opened up an opportunity for h to bring up moving again as there would be more opportunities for me in London.

I was more on board with the idea this time, we sold the house, bought another one and moved. Except I left my support network behind, and DS joined the primary in y4, so by then even the school gate cliques were formed and I didn't stand a chance of making friends here. Plus the job market is flooded with applicants.

Cut a long story short, me and H are no longer together, but I still live here because of maintaining the relationship between DS and his dad. But in the times I moved it has enabled eXH to go from earning £12k in his first job, to now earning close to £100k plus bonus in the city, whereas I am now unemployed and my prospects of finding a job are diminishing by the day. Don't get me wrong, I went along with the last move willingly. But looking back I do wonder how much I was conditioned into it. It came home to me quite starkly the other day when I was talking about having made some dish or other for the house warming party eXH had decided to have for his friends. Because we now lived in the London area he already had friends here whereas I didn't. So he had a party for them and their partners and kids, and I knew no-one to invite.

OP you have to consider what works best for all of you, not just what's best for your DH. Friends for two and six year olds won't be a problem as friendships are so fluid at that age anyway. However a support network if you're having to commute will be crucial, and if you're the one commuting then your DH will need to be on board with doing all the before/after school childcare, pick-ups/drop-offs from nursery/school etc and everything in between. Is he on board with that idea? Is his employer supportive enough to give him that flexibility, because that level of flexibility won't be available to you if you're commuting.

If it is genuinely a choice of moving or him losing his job then it's a much more difficult one. But if it's just about promotion but carrying on with his current job if he doesn't take that then it's something which you all need to be on board with to make it work.

In my case eXH was the earner so there really was no choice for me as he'd had enough of commuting, and our local area would never have yielded the kind of salary he is on here. but even knowing that this wasn't something I realistically had any say in didn't make it any easier to do.

Yomellamo, your maths needs work. 15k pa is £1250 per month.

I live in Dorset and agree with pps that Bournemouth doesn't feel rural at all, obviously not a city but hardly in the middle of nowhere. And less than 2 hours to Waterloo. When I lived in Bournemouth there were lots of people who commuted to London.

Now I live more rurally, but even so, my next door neighbour works in London and I think does compressed hours.

I think you need to both sit down and look at all the options for his work, your work, you staying in London, you commuting, both commuting and childcare options.

You'll find Dorset can also be friendly and in the villages everyone knows everyone and everything!

I agree with those who say it's very dependent on where you are. Bournemouth or Bridport would be very different propositions.

Make sure it's on the mainline to Waterloo (there are some big firms in Bournemouth - rail access was definitely a consideration for my former employer.) Bournemouth is not rural and is commutable to a number of places, including Southampton, Winchester and the M3/M4 corridor, where there are loads of jobs, particularly if you are in technology. The M3 all the way into London will be more bearable when the roadworks are done, too.

Quality of life is definitely better. I really, really miss being able to walk along the beach after work and in the summer, go for a swim in the sea. The best things about London (museums, galleries, theatres,) are all accessible on an easy day trip, and there's tons to see round Dorset.

What is your work? What is his? Have you really looked at the opportunities? I have schoolfriend who spent their twenties and thirties in London, but now they have young children, are moving back home to Dorset, because they'd rather bring their children up there.

I'd look at commuting, whether daily or weekly.

I freely admit my bias, though. Grew up just outside Dorchester, spent a few years living and working in Bournemouth, hated the year I lived and worked in London (mostly because I was totally broke.) I would happily go back to Dorset, wouldn't go back to London - I do visit every couple of months, though. That's long enough.

Dorset for a 6 year old would be fantastic ..... fast forward 10 years and I'm wondering if it would be as great for a 16 year old. My teens love living in London, and if we had moved out we would never have been able to move back.

Sherborne's a lovely small town

There are other places near'ish to Dorset with more of a creative vibe, if that's what you're missing - Bristol / Bruton / Frome.

"If Your DH doesn't move, he will have to find another job. When asked reason for leaving present position he will have to say because you refused to let him get a promotion. His interview will be a wast of time from that point on.

So by all means stop him getting a promotion and live with the consequences."

Yes, and what about what the OP has to say to her employer who has also just offered her promotion? Or doesn't that matter? Because she's only a little woman?

YABU... Your family will have more money, a nicer home and a better quality of life. Children and their quality of life come first not your career.
If it was woman wanting to move and a man refusing to go due to wanting 'his' career he would be shot down!

Really, Greenknight? Would we accept without question that a man should give up his job and sit isolated at home just so his wife could enjoy promotion and the family could have more money? How often does that even happen? And who says that more money does equate to a better quality of life?

I grew up in a beautiful location with all the access to outdoor activities that any child could wish for. But I also knew that my mother was depressed, and I wasn't very old when I realised why she was depressed. With hindsight, that wasn't the ideal situation for any of us. Now I wish we could have come up with a solution that recognised that we were all equally important and that all our emotional wellbeing mattered: it would have been a better lesson to take into later life.

The other option was for the OP to commute- which would realistically mean the children would see very little of their mother. So why do we assume this would be better for their wellbeing?

I'd move in a second

Children and their quality of life come first not your career.

What an idiotic comment. Until food, clothes and housing start being freebies from the universe, my career and my child's 'quality of life' are closely related.

If it was woman wanting to move and a man refusing to go due to wanting 'his' career he would be shot down!

Seriously. What planet are you on?

Also, if either of those children is female, their future quality of life will be very firmly tied up with having it demonstrated that women's interests and needs are equally important. In the long run, this may mean more than an extra bedroom.

Amen to that, cory.

You say it's a senior producer role? So that's either in the arts or media - both really competitive industries, and if they are offering you a promotion that means you are doing your job right and you have potential.
All those who think you can just pick up some freelance work are deluded - it is soooo much harder to be self-employed, pay your own super etc, scrummage for freelance opportunities. It is until after you were a successful senior producer anyway!
See if you guys can somehow commute to your jobs for a year or so. Take that rare promotion. If your DH is as good as he sounds, they will find another offer for him, or let him have flexible work hours for a year or two, or something else.
Arts and media are bloody hard to get a foothold. Sometimes you won't get another go. I vote for you in this scenario.

Children and their quality of life come first not your career

But, you know, you're not saying that to the person who's career is apparently requiring a family move.

So it's OK for the man's career to come first?

There is absolutely no right or wrong answer here and fundamentally no one else can make this decision for you and your partner because there are just too many variables.

we moved from the city to very rural and apart from a few issues on balance I prefer it. we also started up our own business rather than me returning to work in London.

I really think that the best thing to do is for the two of you to sit down and give this some proper consideration with all the facts in front of you.

do the maths with the finances. look at 5,10,15 years time. look at your local senior schools. how easy is it for your kids to get a place. do you want them to go there or somewhere else.

Look at other areas near to where your DH will be working and where you could live? is there really no work there for you? often people of skill and talent find really good jobs out of London because the skills flow is often in the opposite direction.

I really feel that you need to collate and collect as much info as possible before you make the decision either way.

Meant also to add that salaries outside of London can sometimes look less but they do go further.

No Peter, just the woman's little job she does for pin money of course

Can I firstly point out that it's irrelevant how nice the countryside is or how big the houses are if the OP cannot find a comparable fulfilling job.

I would stay in London if I were you OP. Even though you earn less than your DH, you are entitled to a fulfilling working life as much as he is.

Children and their quality of life come first not your career.

If it was woman wanting to move and a man refusing to go due to wanting 'his' career he would be shot down

When asked reason for leaving present position he will have to say because you refused to let him get a promotion.

So by all means stop him getting a promotion and live with the consequences.

Not sure what planet or century these come from but obviously not planet Earth in 2017.

Very best of luck OP

OP, if you leave London now you need to be certain that you would never ever want to move back, because unless you get a really really significant increase in salary or a large windfall, you could never afford to buy a house in London commensurate with the house you would live in in Dorset.

Don't worry about their friends - that's the easiest part of the decision, TBH. It's equally likely that their friends in London will themselves move away, and they will honestly make plenty of new ones.

A rural childhood isn't all it's cracked up to be, TBH - lots of ferrying around teenagers, as there is rubbish public transport. Lots of bored kids who smoke / drink / take drugs / shag because there isn't much else to do. Far fewer activities available. Far fewer cultural activities available without travel.

It's such a personal choice though.
There is no 'right' or 'wrong' answer. Agree Dorset doesn't have to be rural. I'm very much a City girl and wouldn't want to live rurally, but when the dc were that age I'd have jumped at the chance to move to the coast and have a proper house and garden rather than a flat. There is a whole range of places between 'heart of London' and 'rural Dorset' of course.
I don't know much about your profession though - if it is 'do-able' freelance, or commuting into London for a 3 day week, or if there are outlets in other places - Bristol maybe that you can work in ? I wouldn't want to give up my career to follow dh around either, but you need to both sit down and think of all the reason to go, all the reasons not to go, and all the possible compromises that might work.

If I worked in your industry I would want to remain within commuting distance of London; and having already had career breaks etc wouldn't want to live somewhere with far worse availability of jobs/high salaries.

I would be very worried about what would happen if DH was made redundant, as it wouldn't be affordable to move back towards London without being in smaller/worse housing, and the DC could be older and established in school and with friends etc.

I commute (home counties) and IME it has made career progression much harder. local jobs are badly paid relative to London ones.

I don't buy your H's argument that to stay in London he'd need to take a pay cut. It's London, there are numerous employers: he could apply for equally or more senior roles with another employer.

It's much more situation

Yomellamohelly the £30k is the relocation package to be spent on solicitors fees stamp duty furniture removal and estate agents fees not a pay rise. It is a one off not a yearly payment.

Personally I did this and hated every minute I spent in the countryside.

I refused to have children until we moved back to London. Dp spent 2 years in the job he moved for then a few more years struggling to find work on a much reduced salary. He struggled to get a job in London as we lived too far away. Finally when he had got one I had the house sold within minutes of instructing the estate agent. We moved out with no firm address 3 weeks later. I hated the place so much I virtually gave the house away.