AIBU to not move for DH job?

[Maisy84]

Will try and sum this up quickly! My partner works for a London company who are relocating their HQ to Dorset area. If we move to Dorset area he will get a promotion and a 30k relocation package. I work 3 days a week in London (where we currently live) and have just been offered a promotion which would probably result in me having to up my work hours. We had children young (25) and I've had two maternity leaves and gone part time, it finally felt like it was my time to concentrate on my career for a bit, I really love what I do. But he is by far the biggest bread winner and if we move we can get a lovely house with big garden, be near the sea and dump our 2 bed flat in zone 4! I could commute and maybe stay in London part time but I could never realistically up my work hours so would be stuck career wise I think. It seems crazy to even contemplate staying but I'm worried about career and all of our children's friends (6 and 2) although I'm sure they would make new ones. Between us we earn around 100k per year, just under, and have a reasonably standard of living, apart from commuting it would probably be higher in Dorset. If he looks for something new it won't be as senior as he works in a very specific field. Help!

[Lapinlapin]

I agree with posters who suggest trying to move to somewhere which would allow you both to commute, so your dh can do his new job and you can continue with yours. Winchester seems a good suggestion.

I'm shocked by the suggestion of Bristol though! How would that help? It's hardly near Dorset!

[dizzygirl1]

Thanks JeNe. No no chance of moving currently. I have spent the day crying as it's all just got on top of me. I can't sleep, haven't spoken to any friends in months, work is awful-I put my 'face' on and do it but otherwise I am lonely and so so sad.
Honestly OP if there are even any doubts don't do it.

[Kewcumber]

I grew up in a small town in a semi rural area - left for university 34 years ago and have never been back (to live - obvs have visited family!). Don't listen to all of this "Aw green fields and a big house how lovely to raise children there" shit. Can you tell I'm not much into horseriding and country walks and more into the theatre and museums and pounding the pavements and I like that even aged 11 DS can get himself about London easily by public transport, I used to hate having my mum come and pick me up from everything even when I was a teenager.

Children grow up happy if they have friends and their school is half decent and their parents are happy and they have enough.

You will not get a decent media job anywhere outside of a major city without significant amount of commuting. And long commute significantly impacts on quality of your life.

Very difficult decision - don;t do anythiing about buying or selling whatever you decide as others have said -rent first whatever you choose and give yourself an out.

[JeNeBaguetteRien]

Aw Dizzy that's horrible. I have had a similar situation, it is so stressful and caused strain between us. Is there any possibility of moving back? I know in our case the move cost a shitload of money which doesn't help but think of your long term plans e.g. Can you move in 6 months, a year, 2 years. Don't get to a point where you've been there miserable for 5 years.

[dizzygirl1]

Having just done this -move for DH job- if there is anyway you can avoid the full.move then I would. I massively regret the move- i am working full time instead of part time and the area where we live although is nice, I have made zero friends and am becoming more of a recluse by the second. I wish I could go back a year and show how unhappy I am so that we didn't move.
Sorry to be so negative but currently I am so unhappy I couldn't saye otherwise.
Hope that no matter what you choose you are happy.

[OVienna]

So - DH lived in both Bournemouth and Dorchester (also Poole, but before I knew him.) I used to travel that line into Waterloo. It seems to me that after one of the stations (maybe the lovely Basingstoke) things get a lot slower, with lots of local stops. This is sort of good in a way as it suggests it's maybe designed for commuters??? Maybe??? But on the other hand, if you too far down the line it will feel exhausting. It's worth checking if maybe things have improved in the 20+ years I was doing this in terms of frequency of trains and speed.

Have you tried the Locrating website? This will help with finding an area that is good for the factors you are looking for - stations which would get you to both jobs, schools and houses.

We still have no idea what part of London you would be travelling to and how deep into Dorset your DH needs to be. North London and Weymouth - not a goer. Zone 1 and 2 District line of London in and around Victoria to Northish Dorset - I think you'll find a solution.

[Msqueen33]

I think it's a huge move if you're not on board. I worked in media when I started out for a buying agency and no I couldn't have done it really anywhere except London. I moved into marketing and did end up moving for my husband into a job I hated. I just suggested looking down that way to see what opportunities were there so she didn't have to put her career to one side. Commuting for you both would be draining especially with nurseries and pickups at school.

What does your dh think? Could he go and trial it and commute from London to Dorset?

[rookiemere]

msqueen - the issue is that OPs job is media based and therefore opportunities are pretty much all London based. So moving means she gives up her career.

I'd be very reluctant to do this. At the minute you're a two income family in a location with lots of job opportunities. Moving rurally where you give up your career for your DH and being very dependent on that company- nah. Surely your DH can get another job in London and if you're not happy with the area you could move to the suburbs.

[Msqueen33]

Tricky one. Doesn't your dh want to take it?

I love it down that. What about Hampshire if you do as it's commutable? A lot of teenagers do function outside of London 😉 But you need to decide if you'd be happy there. Maybe have a look at jobs for yourself online and see what opportunities there are. I'd also go down and look at the areas. Say your dh's job didn't work out would you be happy living there anyway?

[StealthPolarBear]

But the op doesn't have an opportunity and would likely be giving up her career. Does that not factor in?

[L0cationL0CATION]

I had a similar choice

My partners job is being relocated and the package is 3K !

Its costing us more than 3K to move, but he keeps his job and I have a possible opportunity

We are looking forward to a new start and new life

Your husband is very lucky to have a 30K relocation package !

In your case I would be brave and move

[EBearhug]

I was just trying to think of sensible stops I remembered from the interminably long train journeys to and from London

Basingstoke, Winchester, Eastleigh, Southampton Airport Parkway, Southampton Central, Brockenhurst (change here for Lymington for the Isle of Wight,) erm, Hinton Admiral, New Milton, Pokesdown, Bournemouth, Parkstone, Poole, Hamworthy, Wareham, Wool, Moreton, Dorchester South, Upwey and Weymouth. Not all trains stop at all stations (which is a good thing.)

The Weymouth & Dorchester West line goes up to Bristol, but it's not exactly a commuter line. Scenic, though. Also the Exeter to Waterloo line, which is slower (and cheaper) than the Paddington route, goes through north Dorset. Gilingham (hard G, unlike Kent) and Sherborne, I think. People do commute that, but I think the Weymouth - Waterloo line would be better.

[EBearhug]

Basingstoke isn't so bad - well, bits of it are - there are certain areas to avoid. It's just a bit uninspiring. The shopping mall has all the same shops as anywhere else, the few historic bits which weren't ripped out in the '60s are quite well hidden. It's got swimming pools and gyms and a skydiving place, and cinemas and all that. Fast trains to London are 45-50 minutes. Lots of nice countryside outside of it. But Winchester is far nicer, and not much further from London on the train.

[purplecoathanger]

Evening Parts of Dorset are rural but absolutely beautiful. The area around Bournemouth and Poole are extremely urban with stacks of things going on for teenagers.

[OVienna]

Okay okay I was just trying to think of sensible stops I remembered from the interminably long train journeys to and from London...

Presumably there are villages nearby too? I had a colleague who commuted from Winchester to London daily. We really need to know where the OPs DH would be based as Dorset is Yuge.

[VivienneWestwoodsKnickers]

Basingstoke is an absolute shit hole. Don't move there. I used to police it.

[firsttimemummy24]

For not fit*
Or not it! *

Bloody phone

[firsttimemummy24]

What about moving somewhere like Winchester as a compromise? Its commutable every day to London or Dorset, some of the best state schools in the country and a wonderful place to bring children up without being too far from anything? I grew up there and loved it only recently decided to move away to move closer to my father who is ill, I used to commute to London and never found it an issue the rail links are very good and it's not much more that your commute already (depends where office is). I think fit this to work for you guys a compromise will need to be reached. I also think a PT nanny it childminder is a viable option to cover pick ups and drop offs. Good luck

[Maisy84]

EBearhug is Basingstoke that bad? My partner wasn't very complimentary about it! Great train links to London though!

[Maisy84]

Thanks to everyone for your opinions, it's certainly given me food for thought. To be clear the whole company is being merged into a new base in the Dorset area, should have said in the original post.

[EBearhug]

Basingstoke a compromise?

But... it's Basingstoke...

(I live there. I'm allowed to say it.)

[EveningShadows]

I moved out of London to a more rural way of life and hated every minute of it - if you love London like I did then beware.

Rural life might be wonderful for young kids but deathly dull for teenagers (my dh grew up in a rural area).

We've now moved back to the SE, not quite London sadly but as good as it gets

[OVienna]

Basingstoke a compromise?

I would not give up your job in London. No way. And- we have friends in Dorset. DH worked there for several years before we married. Depending on where you live in London and where you are looking at in Dorset you may be very surprised to find the prices of property are not as different as you imagine.

I loathed it though so I am not one to talk. Achingly bland.