AIBU to not move for DH job?

[Maisy84]

Will try and sum this up quickly! My partner works for a London company who are relocating their HQ to Dorset area. If we move to Dorset area he will get a promotion and a 30k relocation package. I work 3 days a week in London (where we currently live) and have just been offered a promotion which would probably result in me having to up my work hours. We had children young (25) and I've had two maternity leaves and gone part time, it finally felt like it was my time to concentrate on my career for a bit, I really love what I do. But he is by far the biggest bread winner and if we move we can get a lovely house with big garden, be near the sea and dump our 2 bed flat in zone 4! I could commute and maybe stay in London part time but I could never realistically up my work hours so would be stuck career wise I think. It seems crazy to even contemplate staying but I'm worried about career and all of our children's friends (6 and 2) although I'm sure they would make new ones. Between us we earn around 100k per year, just under, and have a reasonably standard of living, apart from commuting it would probably be higher in Dorset. If he looks for something new it won't be as senior as he works in a very specific field. Help!

[Maisy84]

He could do the job and commute (staying in Dorset a few days a week) or he could find a new position which isn't as senior or as much money as he's currently on. He's leading me to believe he would need to take a decent pay cut to stay and I don't think he would be dishonest. It's really hard. I feel like I shouldn't be so scared of rural living but the idea makes me feel trapped. I would like more space though. I worry we could end up separating either if I move for him, if he stays for me or if he ends up doing a hellish commute and I get all drop offs and pick ups. He currently does his share of childcare. It's tough!

[Westfacing]

There are many advantages to living in London and on a joint salary of £100,000 you can live quite well. You say that your husband is by far the biggest breadwinner, so I'm guessing that it's something like 70/30 split? If so, £70,000 is not such a big salary for his career to take precedence over yours. The relocation package doesn't come into the equation, IMO. Does the promotion bring a big salary increase?

Do you enjoy living in London and take advantage of city living? If so, I'd stay put.

[museumum]

But what would you do in Dorset? I don't see how you can live there without giving up your career which just isn't fair.
No amount of bigger house or pay rise for dh would make me give up my career.

[Maisy84]

I'm thinking I would commute if we went to Dorset and sleep in London one night a week, maybe that is madness! The thing is I always envisaged going full time when my daughter starts school or sooner to get this promotion. Looking at Newbury now... on the upside my commute is already just over an hour so depending on where we go I might not feel the pain as much as expected.

[Wallywobbles]

I'd go for career myself.

[Maisy84]

Actually that probably isn't sustainable and ultimately means me giving up an interesting career, I'm going around in circles in my head!!

[Blossomdeary]

If I were you I would do anything to leave London and the rat race and enjoy a quieter pace of life and the joy of village schools for the children.

[NapQueen]

Is it possible to move down to Dorset and you go FT? Could you do compressed FT hours and work in the city Mon to Thurs going home thurs evening? Home being Dorset.

With the lower cost in housing and you upping your hours, a 4 day per week Nanny could be an option.

[AhYerWill]

How long does he have to decide OP? And what happens if he doesn't move to Dorset? How easy is it to find a new role in London, and how likely is he to find one before his current role ends (if it does)?

Basically, can you survive on just your wage in London if he doesn't take it?

[Maisy84]

Arghhh also potentially robbing children of lovely, country childhood!!

[Imaginingdragonsagain]

I think I would try the promotion and for DH to commute if possible to allow for you to continue in your career too. Especially if you don't want to relocate to a different area. Seems a bit more of a compromise.

[Maisy84]

NapQueen maybe that's an idea! Not sure where I would sleep though but could probably sort something!

[Maisy84]

I'm not sure when he would need to give a definite answer by to be honest. If he was to lose his job things would be quite serious for us but I think he could pick up contract work quite quickly.

[Alanna1]

In your shoes,I'd investigate your employment options too. Could you work in Bristol? Could you get a smaller place in London and commute a few days? Equality in the future is about maintaining and improvingyour career too. Good luck!

[Brown76]

Could your DH take the job and see how it goes in Dorset for a year (while you stay in London)? Although the promotion for him seems good the 'risk' is that you are both then dependent on that company and job. In London there are more options open to you and your family.

[Chamonix1]

Hello!
I live in Dorset.
It's lovely here and husband used to work for JP and actually now commutes to work in London 5 days a week.
The reason we haven't made the move to London yet is we love it here obviously but mainly that our buying potential down here is so much better.
If you want any advise on areas just shout

[SaltedCaramelEverything]

Where you go in Dorset would be a big difference. Some places are more "town" like - though not zone 4 London, so it doesn't have to be completely remote. If that helps! I don't envy you with this decision (I would be doing a pro and con table!)

[FlyAwayPeter]

I think you need to have a serious read of these threads by women a few years down one of the roads you're looking at:

WOHM and resentment

Where to go from here

[SallyGinnamon]

I'd try the weekly commute for a bit - DH commutes to Dorset and is home at weekends.

Several friends have done that eg living Manchester and DH working Cambridge. When they finally accepted they'd have to move down South at least they knew DH's job wasn't short term or a flash in the pan.

If it looks like your DH is going to stick with Dorset, you can think again.

FWIW having DC at a local School is a great way to get to know people. Much harder when they're at secondary b

[Chavelita]

Not a chance. You've had two maternity leaves, and this is your chance to focus on a job you evidently love.

[FiveGoMadInDorset]

Breathe, Dorset is an amazing place for kids your age, where roughly is his job based?

[Chamonix1]

Bournemouth isn't exactly rural. Places like Corfe castle very much are.
Dorset is a good mix of country and town. I love that within 45 minutes I can go from Shopping in a busy town centre to walking across the Jurassic coast with nobody else about for miles. I guess that's the case for a lot of places though.
-Winchester OP? (If you've got enough money for accommodation.) great schools, easy ish commute, pretty market town.

[Libitina]

Is it possible for you to freelance or something similar so you can pick and choose hours to suite?

[Libitina]

*suit

[StealthPolarBear]

" Blossomdeary

If I were you I would do anything to leave London and the rat race and enjoy a quieter pace of life and the joy of village schools for the children."
Where do the ops wants fit into this though