AIBU to not move for DH job?

[Maisy84]

Will try and sum this up quickly! My partner works for a London company who are relocating their HQ to Dorset area. If we move to Dorset area he will get a promotion and a 30k relocation package. I work 3 days a week in London (where we currently live) and have just been offered a promotion which would probably result in me having to up my work hours. We had children young (25) and I've had two maternity leaves and gone part time, it finally felt like it was my time to concentrate on my career for a bit, I really love what I do. But he is by far the biggest bread winner and if we move we can get a lovely house with big garden, be near the sea and dump our 2 bed flat in zone 4! I could commute and maybe stay in London part time but I could never realistically up my work hours so would be stuck career wise I think. It seems crazy to even contemplate staying but I'm worried about career and all of our children's friends (6 and 2) although I'm sure they would make new ones. Between us we earn around 100k per year, just under, and have a reasonably standard of living, apart from commuting it would probably be higher in Dorset. If he looks for something new it won't be as senior as he works in a very specific field. Help!

I took a big career hit to be with my DH who is a farmer and by definition will never be farming in London. 🙄

My quality of life is a million times better here and it's the perfect place to bring up children.

I'm an associate in my field, if I hadn't have jumped ship I'd be ass. director and on another £25-30k. BUT rural living is not as spenny as living in London and I no longer need to see a therapist. I'm so over the tube.

Not a chance. You've had two maternity leaves, and this is your chance to focus on a job you evidently love.
^ this.
By the way, rural living is most certainly not for the city lovers.

Does it have to be one or the other? If you moved to say Bournemouth you could be in London in 1.5 hours on a fast train and Dorset (depending on where) isn't far. Certainly not a rural feel there either.

FlyAwayPeter that second post felt like reading my own thread from the future - pretty weird! Thanks for posting.

OP I was in a similar situation to you last year except I am the one on a higher salary and had the job offer.

DP and I have a joint income of £100k and live in London, I earn almost twice his salary. We have 2 DC, own a 2 bed in a part rough/part gentrified borough that I love and I was born here so most of my friends and family live nearby. I work in a very London centric industry but a rare opening came up in another part of the UK, more money and my salary alone would have been enough to ensure a good standard of living in the new area, private schools for the kids if we wanted (DP opposed to that though!), house and garden etc which is out of reach in London. DP would have struggled to find a job in his industry but renting out the London flat would have more than covered his expenses while he looked.

In the end we decided against it, mainly because for now we want to raise our kids in London. The new area sounded great on paper but I know I would have struggled with the quieter lifestyle after spending my entire life living in a big city.

Go with your gut feeling, if you really feel as if this would be a huge mistake for you career-wise tell your DH and see if you can reach a compromise.
Does he think his career will suffer if he doesn't take the new job?

Town or country?
There are some big places in Dorset.
There are places where London is a day commute, others where it is very distant.
East or West of the entrance to Poole harbour?

Moving out of london only seems scary when you're living there. I felt exactly the same. Hated the idea of leaving & resented DP for needing too.

Once I left I loved the space & my quality of life is ten-fold better. We didn't go full on rural, we found something in a beautiful town with 'london style' houses for a fraction of the price. All the local schools are ofsted outstanding & we have good restaurants etc.

I work from home 2/3 days per week & in London 2/3 days per week. So I get the best of both & HIGHLY recommend it.

Good luck maisy84

We are on about half your income, live in a lovely 4 bedroom house with a nice garden, in a nice area, not that far from Dorset. That's a lot more space than a 2 bedroom flat.

Bournemouth etc really isn't rural, but it is cheap compared to London, and has glorious beaches and a wonderful quality of life. London would be just about doable commuting if you really want, though I think it would be easier to get a decent job then you think.

If you want a bit more of a commutable location, try Winchester, which is an hour from London, and 45 mins from Bournemouth. It is considered very, very expensive though, but still a little cheaper than London.

FlyAwayPeter that second post felt like reading my own thread from the future - pretty weird! Thanks for posting.

Those threads are so sad. And I still wonder why it seems always /mostly to be the women who back-pedal on their careers. Which is fine until the marriage breaks down ...

I live somewhere rather more rural & beautiful than Dorset yes, such places exist I love London & big cities generally. In fact, I've lived in London, New York & Sydney. Now I love living in a small regional city with a lot of interesting stuff going on. But I have a fantastic absorbing creative job (academic) and that gives me an international community & local friends.

And also (as you'll read on those threads) I was so panicked by the thought of precisely the sorts of choice & conflict that you're facing - I managed never to marry or reproduce. That was my sacrifice to patriarchy, I suppose.

But I have so much awareness of the ways in which women are socialised always to put others before themselves, and sympathy for women - like you - who find themselves in this difficult position.

Good luck & I think you really really have to talk it through with your DH in very very blunt & potentially bleak terms.

Maybe - play the thought experiment of putting yourself first - what would that look like? What would be so uncofrtable in that pictue that you couldn't bear? What could be managed by buying in help, or asking your DH to take a step back? And so on.

By undertaking this thought experiment, it doesn't mean you have to follow through any of the scenarios. But you would have imagined them, and tested your feelings.

Where in Dorset?

Could you freelance

I moved out of London for DH's job and also so we could buy a house. I DO miss London, I miss it tons BUT our standard of living here is a million times better, we're more financially secure and our work/life balance is exponentially improved. On the whole it was worth it. However we did rent for a year so we could figure out a) if it was doable and b) where we wanted to settle. You could try that?

I'd try moving, but I would be really keen to keep the london place if you own it , rent it out and rent in the new place, then you commute in to London part time. You can then change your mind when you are looking at upgrading the job. The lifestyle for the kids should be great with the move.

Could you keep your London flat for you to use during the week for work and still use the relocation package to get a place in Dorset. Is that an option financially or not?

You could all spend weekends at either place.

God don't do it. Do not commit yourself to having to do a huge commute to keep your work life going. Your 2 yr old has 16 years of living at home ahead. Do you want to commute for large periods of thst? You would be completely screwed if you hated the commute or found it too much.

Giving up your career for some idea of country life is madness. I don't see why the children would have a better life in Dorset necessarily

Best thing we ever did was leave london. Dorset is lovely. Right practically: london -- if he turned this down is he out of a job, can you survive on just your income, any other jobs around for him. Now Dorset is there jobs for you, can you side step.

No idea why it crossed through. Its not meant to be

Living by the sea isn't as great as you might think. We spent 3 years across from the beach and 6 within a few miles of the sea. The novelty wears off after a while.

Tbh it totally depends where in Dorset. Living in Bouremouth or Poole is a very different proposition to living in Sherborne or Weymouth, for example, due to much easier commute to London or Southampton and being bigger towns.

My OH is from Bournemouth. Many of his friends have drifted back from London over the years as they started families. Poole and Bournemouth both have grammar schools and good primary schools, and its a good compromise between countryside/ beaches and not having to drive 40 mins if you forget to buy milk. Town centre can be a bit "lively" at weekends due to students/hens/stags but easily avoidable. Some decent restaurants springing up (it's not London, but nothing is, so you kind of need to put that to one side if you're making the move).

BIL commutes to London 3 days and works in Bournemouth the other 2. He works on the train so doesnt get home crazy late, although he does have an early start. It is do-able.

I would consider it providing your DH will facilitate your commute by doing his share of pick ups/ drop offs etc, or coming up with a workable solution re childcare (au pair etc).

My MiL refuled to move from Sheffield to London for husbands promotion. It left a permanent rift between them.

If Your DH doesn't move, he will have to find another job. When asked reason for leaving present position he will have to say because you refused to let him get a promotion. His interview will be a wast of time from that point on.

So by all means stop him getting a promotion and live with the consequences.

I would go, just because I think money gives you a lot of freedom. It's very hard to have kids and have 2 parents with high-flying careers if you have no family support. It's hard to manage sick days, holidays, business trips, school events etc. If your husband is earning a lot then it gives you a lot of freedom to start your own business or work from home, work part-time, whatever.

When asked reason for leaving present position he will have to say because you refused to let him get a promotion

Um no, he can see he didnt want to relocate. It's a completely legitimate reason. I've said that a couple of times. Also got the job both times.

So by all means stop him getting a promotion and live with the consequences.

And what about the consequences of the OP giving up work now, potentially splitting with DH down the line and then not being able to support herself?

I think she is absolutely right to kick the tyres hard on this one, particularly as her sector is London-centric.

how about he prioritize YOUR career now - seeing as having dc has already impacted on it hugely?

a big house and garden isn't going to make you fulfilled career wise

Stay where you are. He will always be able to find another big paying job in London, you will not. Plus if he eats sick if this job you will end up moving again and basically become a trailing spouse. Different if you hated London but stick to your guns. It is your job and your time, regardless of your earning potential.