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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL destroying my marriage

165 replies

amberlabamba · 28/03/2017 00:35

Very long story short. MIL had been living with us 90% of the time since we got married 5 years ago - from the day we got back from honeymoon...Plan was to have her accommodation renovated but has not happened due to not working and not getting planning permission. I expressly said that I did not want to live with her and wanted a family. I am now at the end of my tether. My house is not my own and I do not feel comfortable there - nothing is mine down to fixtures and fittings! I am 'greeted' when I get home from my new stressful job and then 'watched' while I cook!. The money that was there to renovate the house has disappeared - used because DH did not have a job for 3 years... I don't even want to be there anymore and our relationship has been seriously affected. Yet, no matter what I say - cry, beg, encourage and plea, get angry - nothing ever changes. I even left 2 years ago to no avail. I offered to pay for the renovation from money I was left from my dad and still nothing has happened. Am I being a mug? I am now 38 with no children of my own and no prospect of change :( :( ;(

OP posts:
user1489677782 · 28/03/2017 00:38

Sorry to hear of this difficult position. Perhaps move on and offer to rent the house to Mil and Dh at market value. It might move them.

Original poster
amberlabamba · 28/03/2017 00:42

Thank you User - I offered to give up the house, let DH take over the mortgage and just move on but I am told it's my responsibility to get MILs house sorted! :(

OP posts:
greenlipstick · 28/03/2017 00:43

LTB...

Original poster
amberlabamba · 28/03/2017 00:46

What does LTB mean ? Sorry - new :)

OP posts:
Darlink · 28/03/2017 00:46

Your husband needs to grow a backbone , not a wishbone

SpreadYourHappiness · 28/03/2017 00:49

Your responsibility to get MILs house sorted? Fuck that. Tell him to jog on.

YANBU.

SpreadYourHappiness · 28/03/2017 00:49

Oh and LTB means Leave The Bastard, which I absolutely think you should do.

kerryob · 28/03/2017 00:51

What do you actually get out of this marriage? You still have time to have a family but your DH clearly doesn't care for one

I'd be asking for divorce

kerryob · 28/03/2017 00:52

By the way your mil isn't destroying your marriage it's you DH

Original poster
amberlabamba · 28/03/2017 00:54

Bit of back story - which may change your opinion.. I was so unhappy about this 2 years ago that I had a relationship with someone when I left...someone that we had an extra marital relations with - mutually.. who I then left to try and make it work. .. now of course everything is my fault even though it was after we split up and I met this person through DH wanting extra marital relations!

OP posts:
nevergooglenevergoogle · 28/03/2017 00:56

sounds unbearable. I'd be off.

Underbeneathsies · 28/03/2017 00:56

Amber talk with a solicitor and get a divorce.
You want kids? Then get a wiggle on.

nevergooglenevergoogle · 28/03/2017 00:57

why did you go back? what were the conditions of you returning to this?

kerryob · 28/03/2017 00:58

Nope you're clearly not happy time to leave him. Why did you go back?

Original poster
amberlabamba · 28/03/2017 00:59

Conditions were that he get a job and sort MILs house out.

OP posts:
OlennasWimple · 28/03/2017 00:59

Honestly, why do you want to stay??

SpreadYourHappiness · 28/03/2017 01:00

It doesn't sound to me like you cheated, and my opinion hasn't changed. If I'm reading your post right, he cheated (or wanted to?), and therefore I'm even more convinced you should LTB.

Original poster
amberlabamba · 28/03/2017 01:01

I want the dreams that DH and I wanted when we got married .. I'm an idiot aren't I?

OP posts:
calzone · 28/03/2017 01:02

Just move on.

Nothing will change.

Then you will look back and have so many regrets.

nevergooglenevergoogle · 28/03/2017 01:03

Your not an idiot, just optimistic. But you should leave and be happy. Life is short. Get out before you bring kids into this situation.

user1489677782 · 28/03/2017 01:07

Is the house in your sole name, or joint with H? I hope it is not joint with H Mil and you. I don't see how it is your responsibility to provide MIL with either space in your house or to renovate Mil's house. I think H is pulling the wool over your eyes.
It does not matter that you left and had another partner in your life. You gave this man another chance and he is doing all the same stuff again. Don't give him a third chance
Your inheritance from your Dad is for your use not the use of a freeloading H and Mil.

I don't know if this still applies but there used to be an action you could get a solicitor to raise in court for the sale and division of a joint home. It might be the time for a chat with a solicitor just to see how you stand with this legally.
I am so sorry for the situation you are in.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 28/03/2017 01:10

Have you considered that perhaps this was their plan all along?
Move mil in, you take care of her and husband can pocket the 'inheritance'?

Why can't she live there until he can afford to get things renovated?

Why do you put up with mil's rudeness?
You realise you CAN actually tell her to stop watching you & acting like the lady of the manor?

You're allowing them to treat you like a doormat and a mug.

Conditions were that he get a job and sort MILs house out ........which is exactly the response you should have given him when you're told it's my responsibility to get MILs house sorted

I think you'd be better off divorced - if he wants a carer for his mum then he needs to employ one.

Original poster
amberlabamba · 28/03/2017 01:12

Thank you all for your replies..I feel so alone at the moment - which is really out of character for me. MIL put a large deposit on our house.. I don't want anything from the house - it's in Dh and my name - MILs part was bought separately.

OP posts:
user1489677782 · 28/03/2017 01:16

I think you are entitled to half the equity in the house. I agree with the PP who said perhaps this was their plan. You need to get out of there asap. These people are leeches

AlrightBabby · 28/03/2017 01:17

I can't honestly see what you are getting out of this at all, and I certainly can't see why it's your responsibility to get MILs accommodation renovated.

Run now, while you can, cos before you know it you'll turn round and wonder why you didn't!!

They sound a pair of users, you don't need to be the 'used'!