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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL destroying my marriage

165 replies

amberlabamba · 28/03/2017 00:35

Very long story short. MIL had been living with us 90% of the time since we got married 5 years ago - from the day we got back from honeymoon...Plan was to have her accommodation renovated but has not happened due to not working and not getting planning permission. I expressly said that I did not want to live with her and wanted a family. I am now at the end of my tether. My house is not my own and I do not feel comfortable there - nothing is mine down to fixtures and fittings! I am 'greeted' when I get home from my new stressful job and then 'watched' while I cook!. The money that was there to renovate the house has disappeared - used because DH did not have a job for 3 years... I don't even want to be there anymore and our relationship has been seriously affected. Yet, no matter what I say - cry, beg, encourage and plea, get angry - nothing ever changes. I even left 2 years ago to no avail. I offered to pay for the renovation from money I was left from my dad and still nothing has happened. Am I being a mug? I am now 38 with no children of my own and no prospect of change :( :( ;(

OP posts:

Original poster

amberlabamba · 30/03/2017 22:03

We are both European. It's not a sense of duty - I just want what we had back :(

OP posts:

Fishface77 · 30/03/2017 23:44

I don't think you had anything that was particularly valuable unfortunately OP.
I think you thought it was more important than he did.
I wouldn't be surprised if he's had a vastectomy in secret.
Get out op. Live your life without these cunts.

Alpies · 31/03/2017 13:46

Do you know why he split up with the mother of his first child?

I'm not quite sure I understand your situation, but were u ever really happy? The first few years you had together before he lost his job, was they happy times? Did he tell u he wanted more kids before u got married? Do u envisage that things could ever truly change in the future to make u feel happier in this relationship? What kind of changes would u like to see?

Original poster

amberlabamba · 31/03/2017 14:05

Thanks Alpies - yes we were extremely happy with dreams and hopes for the future. He initially said the he didn't want any more children (very early on in the relationship) then things developed and I made it clear that I did and not to propose unless he also wanted that. I don't know whether things can change - it just seems like such a complex situation and perhaps we are too deep within it now to reverse it. I don't know. There are lots of things I would like to see but the main one would be to feel respected, supported and part of a partnership/team rather than the one always nagging and pushing for things to happen. I am tired of waiting ... one day there won't be any more chances to wait!

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 31/03/2017 15:07

I just want what we had back

He initially said the he didn't want any more children

You never had anything to start with, so you can't have it back. He lied to you and he's used you.

I'm so very sorry, OP. But you do need to move on. This paralysis in which you live is not avoiding a choice - it's a choice in itself. You are staying with a man who uses you, does not care for you, and is not interested in your happiness.

CharlieSierra · 31/03/2017 15:33

How exactly is your MIL ruining your marriage? You and your husband agreed to this arrangement, she sold her home and you used the money towards your 'beautiful house' and promised to create her a home using the rest of her money. You haven't done that, you have used the money to subsidise your husband not working, and whilst he -your husband, who you married - was living off her capital, you kept your capital and saved. Nice.

Original poster

amberlabamba · 31/03/2017 16:43

And good job I did CharlieSierra - or we'd have less than we have now! I had no visibility over the money (it was not mine) until I was told that it had all gone! Despite me continually asking/nagging/helping for that to be different, I was not the one without a job for 3 years so I fail to see how this is my fault! He should have had a job and not taken the money from his mother and MIL should not have given him access to it. I fail to see how throwing more money down a black hole would help here!

OP posts:

Original poster

amberlabamba · 31/03/2017 16:45

I put plenty of my money into the business and house - at least £20k... I just think protecting the rest after what's happened is a sensible thing to do!

OP posts:

HighwayDragon1 · 31/03/2017 16:51

Protect your assets, lawyer up. You need to leave, life is not a dress rehearsal and I realise it's difficult to accept that you've wasted a quarter of your life in this loser, don't let it be the rest of your life. You deserve to be happy.

DistanceCall · 31/03/2017 20:10

OP, I think you want to tell us how to get your husband to kick his mother out so you can have a proper life with him. It's not going to happen.

Sorry to be harsh, but just crying because you "want what you had" or you "want your dreams" isn't going to change anything.

CharlieSierra · 31/03/2017 21:33

OP, I think you want to tell us how to get your husband to kick his mother out so you can have a proper life with him. It's not going to happen they can't kick her out, she's sunk all her money in with them, they undertook to provide her with a home on that basis. I've seen some things blamed on MILs on MN but this one takes the . How on earth can anyone watch their husband out of work for 3 years and not wonder what he's living on? I don't disagree he sounds a waste of space but trying to blame the MIL is horrible. Just move out.

Original poster

amberlabamba · 31/03/2017 21:46

I honestly love MIL and absolutely you have a very valid point - perhaps my title was misleading. The fact the MIL is in our house not hers is a result of DH being out of work etc etc. I truly feel sorry for her and will pay for her house to be completed on the understanding that I get that money back when the house us eventually sold - whether or not DH and I are together. She has given up a lot for us and it's not her fault at all that it's not come to fruition.

OP posts:

FairytalesAreBullshit · 01/04/2017 18:54

This is proper confusing, so you're basically going to bail out DH who treats you like shit, because he blew his Mums money by being lazy and not having income for 3 years.

It's entirely your choice. I don't think that things will necessarily change once her place is built. Ok it's not her fault, but realistically unless he stole from her it is, isn't it. If I had a fund for an extension for me to live independently, I'd be quite protective over it. I wouldn't think oh DIL is well off she can make up for the shortfall.

Just be careful please

SuperPug · 01/04/2017 18:59

I apologise if I'm making an assumption here. Does MIL live with you due to cultural reasons?
A good friend of mine, now living abroad, has been through hell with this.

Iflyaway · 01/04/2017 19:00

I am told it's my responsibility to get MILs house sorted!

No, it's not.

You have a choice in life you know....

What is stopping you going for your own best life? With or without them. From the short bit I've read they are not looking out for you but for themselves.
Time for you to do the same.

Your future self will thank you.

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