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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL destroying my marriage

165 replies

amberlabamba · 28/03/2017 00:35

Very long story short. MIL had been living with us 90% of the time since we got married 5 years ago - from the day we got back from honeymoon...Plan was to have her accommodation renovated but has not happened due to not working and not getting planning permission. I expressly said that I did not want to live with her and wanted a family. I am now at the end of my tether. My house is not my own and I do not feel comfortable there - nothing is mine down to fixtures and fittings! I am 'greeted' when I get home from my new stressful job and then 'watched' while I cook!. The money that was there to renovate the house has disappeared - used because DH did not have a job for 3 years... I don't even want to be there anymore and our relationship has been seriously affected. Yet, no matter what I say - cry, beg, encourage and plea, get angry - nothing ever changes. I even left 2 years ago to no avail. I offered to pay for the renovation from money I was left from my dad and still nothing has happened. Am I being a mug? I am now 38 with no children of my own and no prospect of change :( :( ;(

OP posts:
AnathemaPulsifer · 28/03/2017 22:09

Leave. Get some of your equity out (if you paid any deposit on the house?) and leave them to it.

HopefulHamster · 28/03/2017 22:18

What's the reason for not having a baby thus far?(from him)

RandomMess · 28/03/2017 22:19

Just extracted your share of the equity versus your inheritance/savings and start over...

I wouldn't get involved with any man who is culturally tied to his mother ever again!!!

rollonthesummer · 28/03/2017 22:21

Are you the only only one in the house working?

amberlabamba · 28/03/2017 22:22

We have tried - at first he was reluctant (he is older than me and has a son already and made loads of excuses like what if he loses his job (funny!) or has a heart attack etc). We started trying 4 years ago but it just didn't happen. I got pregnant last year but had an early MC. Things seemed emotionally better between us for a while but didn't last long.

OP posts:
amberlabamba · 28/03/2017 22:24

No rollonthesummer DH has been back working for a year now and doing well there. One of the conditions of me returning ( we went to counselling) was that he got a job. Counselling was a waste of time as I already know what the problem is!

OP posts:
HopefulHamster · 29/03/2017 00:23

I say this as someone who has been through infertility and come through the other side, but it doesn't sound that as a duo, it will particularly easy to have a baby anyway. If this is what you want from your life I would move on now. You deserve so much more.

milliemolliemou · 29/03/2017 00:50

Just see a solicitor so you know where you stand financially. It could be depending on your father's will that they have a claim on your inheritance anyway. Make sure you have the paperwork.

All sympathies - it must be very lonely for you thinking about it - but you seem to be very lonely now.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/03/2017 07:12

Just as an aside, some of his mother's money that you say he spent will effectively have been her board and lodgings for staying in the house. I know you said she stumped up part of the deposit. Was that a gift or a loan? And if it was a gift, to whom? And if a loan, to whom? And do you have paperwork to prove either? Because if you don't, that's actually likely going to be classed as marital money too. So don't play your hand too early by giving concessiions in order to keep all your inheritance when/if you split. Remember he chose to spend her money and she chose to allow him. I'm not saying fleece them. I'm saying be fair on yourself.

londonrach · 29/03/2017 07:22

Leave, get half the house worth, start again. Life too short to be this unhappy. Your husband has ruined the marriage. You not stuck you have choices. Make a plan. Find somewhere to live, see a solictor begin the divorce. Then after some time to yourself join or do things...pottery class at local college, walking club, gym..something youve always wanted to do. Will give you interest, friends and maybe someone new. Its exciting time for you now!

Alpies · 29/03/2017 16:18

Run as far away as you possibly can from these people who r simply draining you.

Choose your happiness.

FairytalesAreBullshit · 29/03/2017 16:51

I have to reiterate what others have said. He likely knows about the money you have, he'll offer you the stars in the sky if it means getting you back. But please stay resilient, if you can keep him waiting, say you need to think etc. This buys you time to get advice and sort your money out.

It sounds like MIL has blown her money for the annex on him whilst he thought he could become rich with a stupid MLM or something similar. I know a similar person who had a successful wife, she had her dream house, built herself up from nothing. He played at these schemes where you buy products or buy into products that are meant to make a fortune none ever did. She lost her dream house, she lost everything she worked for through remortgaging. She stuck by her man as they had children, but many could see through him and what he was.

It's not your fault he took redundancy, blew that money & MIL's money too. He instigated you sleep with men, then was surprised when you chose one of the men when you split. He's made promises before to reel you in. What have they come to? Seriously, you're paying for both of them pretty much. Life isn't going to change, he isn't going to change, your MIL spent her money on his half bait dreams, so she's part of your relationship whether you like it or not. Annex or not, she won't be living independently once it's built, it'll still be on you to cook, clean and do whatever.

You want children, you don't have time to waste on him. I know leopards don't change their spots. I just don't have the money to take my children and start anew. Once you have children your tied to him for life pretty much. But he doesn't want children.

Are his dreams the same as yours? I highly doubt it.

Many have said you're in a perfect situation to start afresh, to meet a man who will treat you like you deserve.

amberlabamba · 29/03/2017 19:17

Thanks All - Fairytalesarebullshit - is was a woman in fact ;) I do agree with everything that you are all saying to me - it is so hard. I do love him and I am grieving for the life we planned that I simply don't want to see disappear. I gave up everything for this - moved half way across the country, helped to bring up my step son, sacrificed a lot and now I am 7/8 years down the line with a beautiful house and great job. That's all very well, but a house is bricks and mortar and is nothing without a core of love and respect. I think I'm in denial. I don't want my marriage to be over! I am fiercely independent and yes, absolutely I would be more than OK on my own. Yes I considered IVF when I left 2 years ago - then we went to counselling and got back together. Yes, I could go down that route if needed - and maybe I am running out of time. I have somewhere I can stay 9 months of the year that is mine - and that is where I am at the moment. I am simply not listened to - I feel like what I say and feel are considered irrelevant. I've even reduced contact with my SS - being away when he is there because I was constantly undermined and 'told off' by DH and MIL (in front of him) when I tried to instil some sort of discipline. PFFFFF!

OP posts:
Atenco · 29/03/2017 19:50

I was constantly undermined and 'told off' by DH and MIL (in front of him) when I tried to instil some sort of discipline

Grrr, that gets my goat! I would never have left my dd for even a couple of hours with anyone unless I trusted them and therefore gave them authority over her. Children really play up when they know the person who is minding them has no authority over them.

amberlabamba · 29/03/2017 19:55

My point exactly - we should be a united front as a parental unit - not undermining each other in front of them. I brought it up at counselling and suggested a 'code word' to use when one of us thought that the other was being too harsh.. so that we didn't lose face or respect with DS....

OP posts:
amberlabamba · 29/03/2017 19:58

BTW - when in charge of DSS on my own - there were no issues at all!

OP posts:
amberlabamba · 29/03/2017 20:20

Sorry to clarify - after reading through the posts I have said something wrong - the money that I have is not from my father - my mother inherited this and has not passed it to us (children) yet. The money that I have is from the sale of a house that I had with my sister for 10+ years - so when I did separate 2 years ago I was told that as DH was nothing to do with this he would not have a claim over it. I am keen for my mother to keep the money from my father's estate until this 'matter' is dealt with.
Apologies for the wrong information - my head is a bit all over the place... I guess that in the eyes of the law it matters where the money has come from.

OP posts:
Calvinlookingforhobbs · 29/03/2017 20:25

Having children is like throwing a grenade into a relationship. It does not sound the foundations are there for you and your DH to cope. Think very very carefully before you have children with him.

Mumsnet is so quick to say LTB, but if I were you, it is exactly what I would do. Life is too short. Take care.

ChocolateSherberts2017 · 29/03/2017 20:25

Jump ship, get a divorce, do not have kids with this man. By his behaviour alone he has destroyed this marriage, there's probably too much resentment on your part to make it work long term.

Ltb and live the rest of your life doing exactly as you want.

FairytalesAreBullshit · 29/03/2017 20:46

The really good thing is you've got the means to start a new life, living exactly how you want. If you can do me a favour, imagine this, you choosing a house/flat, you choosing the furniture and any extras like ornaments, if you buy somewhere you choose how to decorate it. You get home, shoes off and chill, you only have to cook for yourself, no audience. No undermining of you by anyone at all. Your free life to do as you wish.

Man/Woman makes no difference to me hunni, it's just him wanting his cake and eating it.

Just imagine the independence?

Imagine the freedom?

Imagine a life where you call the shots and your inheritance is spent on you. I doubt you were given it to spend on MIL. It's not your fault that he sat on his butt for 3 years.

You must feel like you're on Masterchef, having to cook to an audience. I can't imagine MIL is that old so why can't she do the cooking so it's ready for when you get in.

Another thing you've got a house, what you need is a home.

All his excuses for not conceiving are rubbish. No one knows health wise, what is waiting them. I'm sure you're more than capable of parenting yourself.

Make some plans, get some advice, keep it all quiet. Don't give him the chance to say ah no no no, I want to freeze your accounts so I know how much I should get.

When a friend split up with someone, there husband did it in full knowledge of when would be best, made excuses why he had to keep the money, he provoked her so it looked like her decision but he had been planning for it a long time.

Please protect yourself

DistanceCall · 29/03/2017 21:33

OP, you have two options.

(1) You stay where you are and this goes on indefinitely. You grow older and bitterer in a relationship in which you are not loved or respected.

(2) You leave and start on the path towards a happy life.

Your choice.

Alpies · 29/03/2017 22:53

You did not make him sit at home for 3 years. He chose to do that by making excuses, being complacent, being lazy and being the loser that he is.

Do not give any of your money to this man who has brought u so much unhappiness. Use the money to find your freedom from such a disfunctional family and start again.

You're still young! You can do it! Don't waste any more time! Your happiness is in your hands. He will never change. Be honest with yourself and face the facts. Save yourself from a lifetime of unhappiness and negative energy!

ChocolateSherberts2017 · 30/03/2017 08:50

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/

amberlabamba · 30/03/2017 21:05

By the way MIL is early 80's and DH is early 50's

OP posts:
Alpies · 30/03/2017 21:39

R u both from the same culture? Is that what's holding u back? Some sense of duty?

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