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Original poster

MIL destroying my marriage

165 replies

amberlabamba · 28/03/2017 00:35

Very long story short. MIL had been living with us 90% of the time since we got married 5 years ago - from the day we got back from honeymoon...Plan was to have her accommodation renovated but has not happened due to not working and not getting planning permission. I expressly said that I did not want to live with her and wanted a family. I am now at the end of my tether. My house is not my own and I do not feel comfortable there - nothing is mine down to fixtures and fittings! I am 'greeted' when I get home from my new stressful job and then 'watched' while I cook!. The money that was there to renovate the house has disappeared - used because DH did not have a job for 3 years... I don't even want to be there anymore and our relationship has been seriously affected. Yet, no matter what I say - cry, beg, encourage and plea, get angry - nothing ever changes. I even left 2 years ago to no avail. I offered to pay for the renovation from money I was left from my dad and still nothing has happened. Am I being a mug? I am now 38 with no children of my own and no prospect of change :( :( ;(

OP posts:
user1471545174 · 28/03/2017 05:33

Conditions not met, OP.

IAmNotAWitch · 28/03/2017 05:36

Dont throw good years after bad ones.

LevantineHummus · 28/03/2017 05:42

You're not an idiot. At all. You do need to accept that your dreams are not going to happen though. You can either hold on to them and suffer, or get out and discover new ones.

ShowMeWhatYouGot · 28/03/2017 05:53

You sound defeated, don't let them take you for a ride. Do not spend YOUR money on HIS mother, I'm sure the person who left the inheritance did not wish it to be spent this way. Get out find happiness x

You DH was happy to live off his mothers money for 3 years!?!?! Why on earth would you want to stay/have children with this man child, where is his dignity.

He's not dream material op x

Fishface77 · 28/03/2017 07:53

They will fuck you over and take your inheritance.
Get the fuck out but protect yourself.
See a solicitor

thethoughtfox · 28/03/2017 08:00

You have plenty of time to find someone and have your dream of a happy marriage and a family with. Put yourself first for once. Imagine how sad you would be still in this situation with a child and you don't feel you can leave or MIL gets ill and you have to look after her.

ShatnersWig · 28/03/2017 08:04

You have not been an idiot, but I think you have been taken for a mug.

You would be an idiot to stay in this marriage any longer.

You would be a real idiot not to move out and not initiate divorce proceedings within the next month.

You would be a fucking idiot if, after this, he comes crawling back promising to sort this all out and you agree to give it another shot.

witsender · 28/03/2017 08:04

Just walk out and don't look back.

Groovee · 28/03/2017 08:09

I would leave and find someone who isn't a man child with a mother following behind.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2017 08:14

LTB. WTF is wrong with you? Just go.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 28/03/2017 08:22

Escape. Quick.

peukpokicuzo · 28/03/2017 08:25

You do not have a MiL problem you have a DH problem.

Leave. Walk away. Do not have kids with this waste of space. You don't owe them anything you have no obligations to sort out housing for either him or his mother.

They have treated you as a doormat and pushover and taken massive advantage of your good nature. You must put a stop to this.

Bumblefeet · 28/03/2017 08:26

Hi OP.
Sorry, but I agree with all of the above posts. If you finance this extra accommodation for this woman, (and why on earth are you being expected to anyway?), then you'll end up in the same situation, but with no money. Your position will be weaker, not stronger. As your MIL financed the purchase of per part of the property separately, then it is her responsibility sort it out, not yours. You've already gone over and above by sorting the planning permission, and paying for that, you don't need to do anymore. And your DH shouldn't expect you to either.
I really feel for you, this is an awful situation, but, you need to leave it. Or your dignity, emotional well being, and financial security will be ruined.
You're 38. You easily have another 38 years to go. Do you really want to live them like this?
Don't waste another second.

Much love,

B

PovertyJetset · 28/03/2017 08:28

Pack your things, get a van and go. Just go.

You will never be happy with this man. Never.

MummaGiles · 28/03/2017 08:30

If you don't want the equity or anything from the marriage I would honestly walk out. Today. You say you have money and a good income, so go and find somewhere to rent and leave. You sound like you will be so much happier with those two leeches behind you.

greenworm · 28/03/2017 08:31

I still don't quite understand, so your MIL essentially owns a piece of land attached of your house, the house itself being owned by you and your DH? And she had sold her own house to buy that and build an annexe, but then ended up spending all the proceeds of her house sale on funding her DS who was out of work for 3 years? It's quite odd. Does she still work herself, or is she retired? Why was your DH out if work for so long, and do you mean she essentially paid his half of your mortgage payments as a married couple during this time and that's where the money went?

SailAwaySailAwaySailAway · 28/03/2017 08:31

They don't care about you. Look at their actions not their words. You are only a piggy bank to them. You cannot change this because they are showing you who they really are.
Please don't give them any more control over your wellbeing. Just leave. It's really that simple.

WateryTart · 28/03/2017 08:35

Leave, OP. They are happy with how things are, leave them to it.

shovetheholly · 28/03/2017 08:38

Go. Run for the hills. This is a life out of a horror movie, and you need to get out.

You're 38. You have so many years of happiness ahead of you if you can just get yourself through the temporary pain of a clean break.

greenworm · 28/03/2017 08:40

The MIL seems to be getting a bit of a bad rap here, from what I can see it's not her that's the leech, it's her DS who spent his mum's capital while not working for three years.

PunjanaTea · 28/03/2017 08:41

Just leave. I'm unsure about why you went back. You have the means to do it, why are you staying. Nothing will change, you may be slightly miserable for a short period whilst you get over this relationship but that pales into insignificance against being miserable for the rest of your life.

HollyJollyDillydolly · 28/03/2017 08:43

Get out now while you still have time to have a child without him. Don't waste any more years on him.

BakeOffBiscuits · 28/03/2017 08:48

Confused why did your MIL use her money to support your DH? Maybe that's why she feels you and your H should pay for the annex?

GreenPeppers · 28/03/2017 08:56

Nope, dont pay anything with your inheritance.

Whatever happened when you separated has nothing to do with it. You had left, you lived your life. That's all fair imo.

However, your 'D'H is showing he just doesn't care about you. He has no respect for you or your wishes. Wishes that you had expressed very clearly at the time of the wedding.
He is showing you that he doesn't respect you. Its nearly like he only sees you as a pot of money that will take care of him.
In the three years he wasn't working, he could
1- have sorted the house for his mum
2- done some of the work himself to keep the cost down
3- have asked his mum for some money for her keep. Why should you have paid for her too when your income had gone down so much?

And in more general terms, why is it that your MIL even had a say in the fixtures you choose for the house??

ohtheholidays · 28/03/2017 08:57

Leave,your only 38 you still have time to meet someone and have a wonderful relationship and children if you want them.

But the longer you hang onto this sinking ship the less time you'll have left.

Do you really want to look back in 5 years time and still be stuck in a home with a husband and a Mil that sound bloody horrible,no children and feeling like an intruder in your own home or would you rather be in a happy and loving relationship with maybe a child or 2?

Lifes to short to waste on regrets Amber get out there and start living!

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