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Original poster

MIL destroying my marriage

165 replies

amberlabamba · 28/03/2017 00:35

Very long story short. MIL had been living with us 90% of the time since we got married 5 years ago - from the day we got back from honeymoon...Plan was to have her accommodation renovated but has not happened due to not working and not getting planning permission. I expressly said that I did not want to live with her and wanted a family. I am now at the end of my tether. My house is not my own and I do not feel comfortable there - nothing is mine down to fixtures and fittings! I am 'greeted' when I get home from my new stressful job and then 'watched' while I cook!. The money that was there to renovate the house has disappeared - used because DH did not have a job for 3 years... I don't even want to be there anymore and our relationship has been seriously affected. Yet, no matter what I say - cry, beg, encourage and plea, get angry - nothing ever changes. I even left 2 years ago to no avail. I offered to pay for the renovation from money I was left from my dad and still nothing has happened. Am I being a mug? I am now 38 with no children of my own and no prospect of change :( :( ;(

OP posts:
llangennith · 28/03/2017 08:59

Get out fast. Don't waste any more of your precious life wishing things were different. Stop feeling impotent and do something. See a solicitor and don't let guilt stop you claiming your share of the equity in your house.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 28/03/2017 09:02

Amber, you need to see a solicitor. You should be able to get a free half hour appointment, I believe. Get all of your paperwork in order, and keep it safe.
This can all be sorted out, if you do it properly.
You can still achieve your dreams, with a man who loves and appreciates you. You are still young.
Take what you are entitled to, don't walk away with nothing. You'll probably get more, than you imagined.
Keep this to yourself, until the wheels are in motion.
You are not alone my Lovely, we are here for you 24/7.
There are some very knowledgable ladies/gents on here, who will answer any questions you may have.
Finally, get things moving !

SemiNormal · 28/03/2017 09:02

Leave and DO see a solicitor about what you are entitled to.

If I was in your position I would also go and see someone to check my fertility. 38 isn't too old to meet someone and have a child with them BUT it could be problematic if there are any fertility problems so I would get that checked out, the money you get from your share of the house could go towards help with fertility if you need it. I'd also consider the option of sperm donation because I wouldn't want to rush a relationship because I was so eager to have a child, I'd want to know I had a back-up plan if that relationship turned sour (if that makes sense)?

greenworm · 28/03/2017 09:04

3- have asked his mum for some money for her keep. Why should you have paid for her too when your income had gone down so much?

Where does OP say she paid for her MILs keep?

Underparmummy · 28/03/2017 09:08

Oh OP, the only way you can keep your dreams alive is to move on.

You really have to.

JaneEyre70 · 28/03/2017 09:16

I've learned one very valuable life lesson in the last few years OP - and that's people can only make you feel a certain way IF you let them.

I think your DH has no desire to change the situation, and that's your issue here, not your MIL.

Smurfpoo · 28/03/2017 09:17

Go
Honestly just go.
You cheated because you miserable, you went back through guilt.
You shouldnt have gone back. Don't waste more time on him. Ive done it and i just feel regret at not going sooner.

See a solicitor (feels scarier and more final than it is)

Gather the relevant paperwork

Rent a little flat

Pack a bag

Leave

Go to Ikea and furnish said flat with all your beautiful belongings.

Buy a home with half the equity

Do more furnishing shopping

Meet the man of your dreams

Have babies, beautiful babies.

DartmoorDoughnut · 28/03/2017 09:19

Agree with everyone else, divorce the waste of space and run for the hills! Imagine he relief of coming home at the end of the day to your own home with no one watching you, all fixtures and fittings chosen by you, bliss!

wizzywig · 28/03/2017 09:25

Only read until page 2, but please leave. There are plenty of women starting/ continuing families in their late 30s and early 40s. Youd be in a worse situation if you had kids. Leave and start again. Youll at least be free to control your life.

Bananamanfan · 28/03/2017 09:29

I agree, op. You need to get out. Flowers
Do not give up your equity in the house your H & MIL can buy you out if theyre so happy together.
This is also happening to a relative her PILs has been so abusive to her & her children that she is leaving her house with the children.
You're not alone & you absolutely do not have to put up with it. Do not let go of a penny of your inheritance either, whatever promises are made.Flowers

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 28/03/2017 09:30

Your responsibility to get MILs house sorted? Fuck that. Tell him to jog on.

^^ This.

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 28/03/2017 09:39

It's about wanting the dreams ... and happiness.

But he's made it quite clear that he's not interested in that happening OP. And I think you realise it too. Yes, it will be hard starting over on your own, but you still have time to find the 'dream' - with someone who's actually interested in your happiness and not just what he can get out of you.

And I was pregnant with twins at 38, so it's not too late for you at all. But not with this waste of space. Flowers

Cheby · 28/03/2017 09:44

Just go OP. You could do it today. Get copies of all your documents, pack your stuff and rent a flat. See a solicitor, get divorced. Make a new start, meet someone and have a baby. This is not worth staying for.

Jaxhog · 28/03/2017 09:49

Tell them you are leaving and will be taking your name off the mortgage.

DistanceCall · 28/03/2017 09:50

OP, in all kindness, you are being an idiot. You are never going to find your dreams where you are now, and every day that passes is one day less that you can achieve them.

Leave now.

CotswoldStrife · 28/03/2017 09:55

This is very muddled. In your first post you say you offered to pay for the renovations with your inheritance then later you say your DH/MIL asked you to (either way, it hasn't been used for that purpose).

If you want to split and sell the property, see a solicitor for advice as your MIL may be entitled to some of the proceeds unless her part of the deposit was given as an unconditional gift. It's not as easy as saying 'leave and take your name off the mortgage', the mortgage will have to be repaid and a new one taken out!

If you don't want an open marriage then don't have one - that is the one thing that is easy to sort out in all this!

What money have you all been living on for the past three years then - DH's savings or his mother's money?

MumW · 28/03/2017 09:56

Not sure just taking name off the mortgage is a good idea.

You say you have money saved up an inheritance, stbX sounds like the type to go after a share of that.

As PPs have said, quietly collect your paperwork and seek legal advice and then move out or throw him out.

Does MIL contribute anything to household bills?

metalmum15 · 28/03/2017 10:01

You keep saying you stay for the 'dreams ' of 'happiness ' you once had but I really think you're looking at this through rose tinted glasses. Five years down the line and you seem to be going backwards in your relationship, not forwards. Sounds to me like your husband has completely different dreams to you. Any man in his late 30's (assuming he's a similar age to you? ) still happy to live with his mummy has to be a real mummy's boy and he's never going to grow up and be independent.

Get out, get your life back and leave them to it. There is someone else out there who will be worth sharing your dreams with, but not this man.

Also, what happens if you do have a child together and his mother is still living with you? You realise she'll take over that too and your role as a mum will become redundant if you don't stand up for yourself.

SirVixofVixHall · 28/03/2017 10:14

The problem isn't your MIL, it isis your husband. Your MIL has put a significant amount of money into the property, so it is partly hers surely? It must be really stressful for her that the separate property for her hasn't been sorted because your DH (and you?) has/have been living off the money for renovating a suitable home for her. And your DH wants threesomes too? What a catch.
Sort out your legal rights, and leave. You have a short time to have a family in, don't waste it.

Peanutbutterrules · 28/03/2017 10:22

Just agreeing with everyone else. This is toxic. Go.

Do not hand over all the money/equity out of guilt and desperation to get out. Get a solicitor and get as good a deal as you can for yourself. God knows you've put enough in. As the others say, get your ducks in a row then leave and do not go back regardless of any promises he makes (be prepared for the promise of TTC but don't fall for it).

Falafelings · 28/03/2017 10:27

Is there any equity in the house.

Just leave them to live together. Take your name off the mortgage. Keep your inheritance.

Falafelings · 28/03/2017 10:28

Actually seek legal advice before you do anything

Falafelings · 28/03/2017 10:32

It would be normal for your mil to pay towards rent/bills anyway

CoraPirbright · 28/03/2017 10:34

Echoing what others have said - you do just need to leave. Leave these two wasters to it and start afresh. Any idea what you might be able to afford rent-wise? Have a potter around on Right Move or some such and just imagine all the wonderful possibilities. That will give you the impetus to get yourself to a solicitor and start the ball rolling. Good luck to you.

DaisyBlameless · 28/03/2017 10:35

Hats off to you having a threesome while your MIL lives there too.

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