Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL destroying my marriage

165 replies

amberlabamba · 28/03/2017 00:35

Very long story short. MIL had been living with us 90% of the time since we got married 5 years ago - from the day we got back from honeymoon...Plan was to have her accommodation renovated but has not happened due to not working and not getting planning permission. I expressly said that I did not want to live with her and wanted a family. I am now at the end of my tether. My house is not my own and I do not feel comfortable there - nothing is mine down to fixtures and fittings! I am 'greeted' when I get home from my new stressful job and then 'watched' while I cook!. The money that was there to renovate the house has disappeared - used because DH did not have a job for 3 years... I don't even want to be there anymore and our relationship has been seriously affected. Yet, no matter what I say - cry, beg, encourage and plea, get angry - nothing ever changes. I even left 2 years ago to no avail. I offered to pay for the renovation from money I was left from my dad and still nothing has happened. Am I being a mug? I am now 38 with no children of my own and no prospect of change :( :( ;(

OP posts:
Reow · 28/03/2017 10:37

OP do you love him? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him because you love him? That's not 100% clear.

38 is not old. You could move on, fall in love, build a life with someone and possibly have a family. It looks like in the situation you are in you are very very tied to MIL for the next 40 years, and why wasn't your DH working for 3 years?!

Move on. Don't give up the chance for happiness by putting all your eggs in this (rubbish) basket.

Reow · 28/03/2017 10:37

DaisyBlameless Grin

EpoxyResin · 28/03/2017 10:51

Oh Lordy, you 100% need legal advice. You say it's not about money for you, but that's not to say in the face of a divorce it won't be about money for your "d"h who feels hard done by by your leaving. Those saving and that inheritance, he has a case to go for 50% of those. If you walk away from 50% of the house without consulting a solicitor you could find yourself in trouble.

But Christ, you do need to leave. When exactly in life were you thinking you would get to be you? When, if not now?? Get out there, buy yourself a fucking ornament and have it in YOUR house. At the moment you're waiting on a man to provide you with the "dream" that was promised; a man that has yet to provide anything of value it seems. Take back control of your future. It really is time.

Rainydayspending · 28/03/2017 10:54

I met DH when I was 38. And I didn't have a comfy financial position and 2 children to put first. I was already getting divorced. You can do it. Easily. Don't waste time on someone who isn't "on your team".

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/03/2017 11:35

I agree with PPs that you're being played - even that they may have intended this from the start, with MIL using all the money on your DH and then expecting you to make up the shortfall

Frankly, they sound like a pair of utter losers Sad

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 28/03/2017 13:13

Get legal advice and get out. You will never have the life you want while married to this loser and his enabling mother. And time's not on your side, to be brutal about it.

outofmydepth45 · 28/03/2017 13:55

Run, and take what is yours financially.

If you want Children you need good savings !

StarlingMurderation · 28/03/2017 13:58

If you want kids, leave him NOW. Your window of fertility is closing.

Birdsgottaf1y · 28/03/2017 14:00

""I agree with PPs that you're being played - even that they may have intended this from the start, with MIL using all the money on your DH and then expecting you to make up the shortfall""

Or the MIL is being financially abused.

OP, how old is MIL, have all three of you sat down and gone over why the original plan has been deviated from and what to do next?

What was your opinion on your DH taking his MILs money, while he didn't work?

Personally, I think that you need to get answers/timescales, or make it straight that your leaving.

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 28/03/2017 14:24

Just throwing this in there, but even if you do get MILs house fixed, how sure are you that she won't be around yours all the time anyway? It's what she's used to and comfortable with, and your DH obviously wants mummy around for as long as possible.

WatchingFromTheWings · 28/03/2017 14:37

You say you have money saved up an inheritance, stbX sounds like the type to go after a share of that.

I agree with this. Although it's your inheritance it's now marital money. Don't sign over the house without making sure he/they can't get his/their mitts on it. If he does try to stake a claim in your inheritance I'd be going after what I could from the house!

And as pp has said, even if they do pull their finger out and sort the annex, do you really want to carry on living with your mil?? I get out now or you'll still be where you are now in 5 years time. DH has had plenty of time to sort this, he's not going to change now.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/03/2017 16:35

even if you do get MILs house fixed, how sure are you that she won't be around yours all the time anyway?

The same thought occurred to me Hmm

cookiefiend · 28/03/2017 17:00

Goodness me- run for the hills. Even if they got planning permission and built the house tomorrow, would you really want children with a man who treated you like that?

And I know money isn't an issue right now, but get legal advice. You will kick yourself later if you walk away and let him have more. Not to mention if you divorce you need to find out whether your inheritance is protected.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 28/03/2017 18:55

How are you OP ?

Original poster
amberlabamba · 28/03/2017 20:13

I'm here. I haven't sat down and talked to them together. 1) Mil has very little English. 2) I'm not listened to. I've asked and nagged and pleaded for years. There's always an excuse add to why things haven't been done. Always someone else's fault (mine mostly).

OP posts:
Original poster
amberlabamba · 28/03/2017 20:20

Thing is. .it's either been done or not been done and the struggle of the last 5/6 years has seriously affected our relationship. Not sure how many times I have to say that I don't want to live with MIL or that I want a family. I seem to always be put last. Now. ..when DH used up a substantial amount of money by not working the buck stops with me because 'we made a commitment to MIL'. MIL put a large deposit on the main house as a gift so I would be able to get back any money I spent on the renovations. ..or part that card if they tried to come after my savings.

OP posts:
Original poster
amberlabamba · 28/03/2017 20:21

*play that card. . Thing is what I want is my marriage and our dreams. ..realisation dawning that I won't get either.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 28/03/2017 20:39

You don't have a marriage. Sorry to be so blunt op Sad, but your husband's primary relationship is with his mother, not you. Your dreams are his tools, what he uses to keep you ensnared.

What are his reasons for not working?

Original poster
amberlabamba · 28/03/2017 20:50

He is working now - he took redundancy to start up a business which was a total disaster. I was working full time and getting up at 5am Sat and Sun most weekends to do market stalls with him. He then became depressed and stayed in bed until 1pm when he should have been selling the product. That went on for 3 years with me encouraging him to get a job - I even applied for some on his behalf. In the end I couldn't take it any more and left.

OP posts:
Original poster
amberlabamba · 28/03/2017 20:51

He's now had a job again for the last year.

OP posts:
mummytime · 28/03/2017 21:02

Get out. Use the threat of going for 50/50 equity to get some of your money back.

Then do you want to try for a child by sperm donor?

Dontwantanicknamethanks · 28/03/2017 21:03

Ok, look, you sound like a devoted wife (despite the affair). And possibly still feeling a bit guilty? Regardless, you don't sound compatible with ur husband. In certain cultures, parental presence is very strong and hard to break free of and it sounds like you will never have that as you would have seen that from ur husband by now. Plus, the fact he lived off your mothers renovation money for 3 years suggests he is immature and self absorbed. This in itself makes me think he will not change. His bread is buttered by his mother, and that is why you are never listened to. Yes, you definitely need to get out but for heavens sake DO NOT give up ur financial position, you will sorely regret that. After your split and the dust has settled, he will still have his mum and her money/support. You need what you can to rebuild your life. Good luck.

Judbarian · 28/03/2017 21:06

He's not going to change. If you don't want to live with this situation then you need to leave now and never go back. Get a good solicitor and run.

Original poster
amberlabamba · 28/03/2017 21:08

Thanks - I didn't have an affair as such - maybe it's a grey area - but I had left already at that point and met this person through us all having a relationship. I then turned to them for support when I left. I don't feel guilty to be honest - the situation I was in was horrendous and I was extremely lonely. Although I am feeling pretty lonely now :(

OP posts:
Capricorn76 · 28/03/2017 22:02

As others have said the problem is DH not MIL. You need to leave so you have enough time to have kids with someone else. If MIL becomes ill you'll never get away from these people.