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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To always feel like an outsider?

112 replies

bingisthebest · 03/03/2017 19:56

Wasn't sure where to post this. So sorry if incorrect.
Just find the whole school playground thing such a chore and often I feel uncomfortable. There are cliques but I wish it didn't affect me.
I don't have loads of friends but enough and felt happy with my lot until I had children at school and all these insecurities come out.
My children like t play after school for a bit which is fine and I chat to a few mums. But feel like some grps just make me feel like a lose! Am sure it's prob just me. How do I get a grip!!

OP posts:
Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 03/03/2017 19:59

When you get a good response I will be taking note as I feel the same as you!! And my oldest is 27!! Never felt anything but anxious at school - parents nights /assembly /sports day - all make me uncomfortable.

WoopWoop200 · 03/03/2017 21:45

I hate school runs.....the cliques are so intimidatimg. My DS is in yr 2. I am the youngest mum in the year (28) and I often feel judged. People only started warming up to me when they realised I wasn't a stereotype Hmm the parents are doctors, senior something's and stuff like that.... They are always polite but they distance themselves from common....
I spent nursery standing by myself and being stared at. Reception spoke to the other 2 outcast mums, unite and all that. Yr 1 realised befriending outcast mums was a mistake and they were actually really horrible people. Yr 2 made a solid effort to speak to parents of ds' closest friends parents.
To summarise, I dragged myself out of my comfort zone (took DH with me for support, if I was going down he was coming with me) and DS finally gets invited to friends houses because of it.
I still get insecure as the cliques are still there but I have to do it. It's hard because they do all sorts together and DS isn't always included. I don't think they mean to do it and they have all been friends longer so I'm a newbie. But I still try for DS.
Just don't let it get to you. As long as you DC are happy and have friends, it will all be ok

Ellapaella · 03/03/2017 21:53

Do you have friends outside the school run/cliques? If you do I'd focus on those friendships and not worry too much about the school gate stuff. A lot of them will have probably known each other a long time, maybe even since they were young themselves, some may have older children that were also friends. I have three children and while I have a very good group of friends who are Mum's of my eldest I don't socialise at all with any of the Mum's of my younger two's school friends. It's not necessarily that they don't like you or that you don't fit it - it's probably more just that they already have their own friendship groups and busy lives and so are not actively 'looking' to find new friends. Honestly I wouldn't take it all personally and focus on your existing friendships.

CountClueless · 03/03/2017 22:18

I really hate when people go on about cliques. They are just groups of friends, thats normal, and its not about you. Are other people not allowed to have friends?

897654321abcvrufhfgg · 03/03/2017 22:23

Guess who is part of these cliques on this thread!!!! Really sympathise. 11 years and 5 children later I still am on the outside looking in!! I learnt to accept it and choose to fill my life with more fulfilling experiences than the school gate mums!!!

WorraLiberty · 03/03/2017 22:23

Seriously, just look at your child's school for what it is - your child's school.

It's a place for your child to learn and make friends, it really doesn't matter whether you happen to make friends too. It's fine if you do, but also fine if you don't.

Your kids play and you chat to a few mums.

Why do you want more than that out of it? There are plenty of other places for you to make friends, that don't involve your child's school.

WorraLiberty · 03/03/2017 22:25

And I also hate it when groups of friends are referred to as 'cliques'.

As a PP said, they're just a group of friends.

CountClueless · 03/03/2017 22:25

Guess who is part of these cliques on this thread!!!! Really sympathise. 11 years and 5 children later I still am on the outside looking in!! I learnt to accept it and choose to fill my life with more fulfilling experiences than the school gate mums!!

Well of course you haven't made friends since its obvious you loathe them all and think you are better than them. It's not really the way to gain friends is it?

littlefrog3 · 03/03/2017 22:26

Anyone who thinks there are not cliques is probably in one.

The school gate mafia is vile. One of my worst memories of taking my kids to school. Wouldn't wanna ever go through that again.

Funny thing is, the cliques do implode; almost always. So hang in there OP. Ignore them and stick with the (few) genuine friends you have.

MadMags · 03/03/2017 22:28

What's the difference between a friendship group and a clique?

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 03/03/2017 22:29

What Worra said

It'll be over before you know it. Mine are secondary age now and I hardy ever see any of the primary school run mum's except once a year parents evening and the odd event.

I have always struggled with such random social situations and I can't even begin to say how relieved I am I don't have to pretend anymore

CountClueless · 03/03/2017 22:30

When people talk like that I think they must still be in school themselves. It is such a bizarre and negative way to look at the world.

It's like walking into a pub and seeing people in groups and shreiking at them they are cliques and nasty bitches. When in reality, just the same as in the playground, its people who know each other from other places talking to each other. Like normal people do.

CountClueless · 03/03/2017 22:31

What's the difference between a friendship group and a clique?

The latter only exist in playgrounds and workplaces, are identified by women who want to make friends but don't understand what friends actually are. From what I can tell on MN.

AnyFucker · 03/03/2017 22:32

I never did the school gates thing

I never made mummy friends through my children

Drop and run was my mantra

It's ok to not get involved...it's not compulsory

I always used to feel like everyone else had the guidebook and I had been overlooked. My kids are way past this stage now thank God and it made absolutely zero difference in the long run

WorraLiberty · 03/03/2017 22:33

Anyone who thinks there are not cliques is probably in one.

That's ^^ absolutely ridiculous and very blinkered. Also for your information, I'm nearly 48 and haven't done a school pick up for bloody years Grin

The school gate mafia is vile

I'm sure they are, they don't sound very friendly from your description.

However, I'm not sure projecting your own awful experiences will necessarily help the OP.

WorraLiberty · 03/03/2017 22:36

Also, when your DC start senior school, you realise what a tiny little part of your life the primary school playground actually is.

Whenever I go to parents evening now, I spot other parents from years ago and think "Oh yeah, I forgot all about that person!"

Whereas at the time, you think you'll remember all the names and faces forever.

AnyFucker · 03/03/2017 22:37

I could never bring myself to give much of a shit, tbh. And I was right Smile

NavyandWhite · 03/03/2017 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummydoc123 · 03/03/2017 22:41

Completely agree with you...hate it too! Funny how school can make you feel inadequate even when you're an adult! I now just get the school run done as efficiently as possible and avoid any unnecessary interactions beyond the polite and superficial. I then save myself any angst worrying what the mummy cliques are thinking/saying/doing. Interested to hear what other people do.

CountClueless · 03/03/2017 22:42

do the people complaining realise that by their own standards, the minute they get what they are looking for (a few parents chatting to them regularly or meeting up elsewhere for some reason), they will then instantly be part of the very "cliques" they despise?

dontcallmeduck · 03/03/2017 22:43

I feel a bit sad about this kind of thing too. Just because I don't want ds to miss out on anything.

But I make minimal effort because I only drop off/pick up once a week so the others are obviously friendlier. I figure the kids will make their own friends so it shouldn't affect him in the long run.

They're all Facebook friends but I missed out on the original friend adding spree and wonder if I should just add them all!?!?

Justalittlelemondrizzle · 03/03/2017 22:44

You sound just like me. In fact I think I started a thread like this 3 or 4 years ago in my dc's early days of Primary school. I always felt exactly the same. You dont realise that this comes with being a mum (or dad) at school. Its sometimes like being back at school yourself. My dc's are 8 and 9 now so i'm used to it and I still feel like the outsider. I'm friendly with quite a few people but no one what I think will still speak to me once primary school is over and we go our seperate ways. I always hoped I'd meet a friend for life at the school gates like others do. But it wasnt meant to be. I'm past caring if people like me or not. It's 10 minutes a day. I'm there to drop off and pick my kids up and that's it. drop and run

empirerecordsrocked · 03/03/2017 22:50

I'm in the drop and run camp, I have a six minute window to chuck the kids in the gate and be back at the station for the train. I just don't have time in the morning for a chat. Two days a week I do pick up but the friendship groups are formed - doesn't bother me.

CarTrack · 03/03/2017 22:50

I teach primary and when regrouping classes ready for September we've had to 'split up' some groups of parents before because they're so awful together!

Ive actually seen an adult women cry because she's 'not with her friends' Confused i.e. the DC have been put in different classes.

WorraLiberty · 03/03/2017 22:53

I always hoped I'd meet a friend for life at the school gates like others do

I think that's really quite rare to meet a friend for life.

Normally once the kids leave yr 6 and head off to different senior schools (or even the same ones), the parents tend to see less and less of each other gradually.

Even more so once the kids have left school and gone off to work or uni.