To always feel like an outsider?

[bingisthebest]

Wasn't sure where to post this. So sorry if incorrect.
Just find the whole school playground thing such a chore and often I feel uncomfortable. There are cliques but I wish it didn't affect me.
I don't have loads of friends but enough and felt happy with my lot until I had children at school and all these insecurities come out.
My children like t play after school for a bit which is fine and I chat to a few mums. But feel like some grps just make me feel like a lose! Am sure it's prob just me. How do I get a grip!!

I am not friends with parents are School. I just do drop off and go to work. The groups are just that, groups of mums who are friends.
I don't think it is so complicated. I am just cheerful and say hello. Try not to overthink this.

These threads irritate me too. I'm quite shy although it doesn't show and getting to the stage where I can happily chat to a wide circle of other parents took a fair amount of initial effort.

I often try making conversation with those who look like they're outsiders but it can be like pulling teeth. You get little or no response and are back to square one the next time you see them and frankly, with the limited time I spend there, it just becomes easier to chat to those you already know will respond.

Sorry, that came out more harshly than I meant it to. I think saying a cheerful hello, smiling and breezing on past done consistently can be enough to foster a sense of familiarity that leads to conversation.

The ones I struggle with are those who are friendly some days and blank you on others - and not just because they're distracted or in a rush. That's just wearing.

Ultimately, it's only for a short time. You won't have this at secondary

There are definitely cliques at the school gates and politics too. I try and speak to anyone I see standing alone, even just a smile and a "hi" because I've spent most of my life feeling like an outsider and it's a horrible feeling. I have a group of school mum friends, but we don't exclude people. If we say hello and chat and it's clear the other person doesn't want that then we'll back off, but it's nice to be friendly.

I feel like that OP, and I think a lot of us do. It's really hard. Playgrounds are chaotic, people are distracted it's very hard to relax and bond with others.
If I were you I would just go in, get kids, get out. Loads of people do this and there is no shame in that. I used to tie myself up in knots wondering why someone I had spoken to the day before blanked me the following morning. Then I realised that actually she had 100 things on her mind and was running to get the tube. Feel much better about it now I don't it all so personally.

Whirly and navy me too. Have made friendly overtures to mums on their own - they don't respond so I stick to chatting with my friends. If that makes me an evil clique person well I can live with that. Why is it other adults job to include you?

The cliques exist. When your child starts in Reception, none of you know anyone. You can be as friendly as you like, invite people over etc, but if it's not reciprocated, there's not much you can do. When your DD is good friends with another girl, but is still excluded from every get together, then you know it's because your face doesn't fit. In our particular school, I realised that class and race were the reason for exclusion (I only realised this 7 years into our 9 years at the school).

And people often make family friends this way. I don't think the school gate is irrelevant, and it is disappointing when it doesn't work out.

There is a big difference between groups of friends (who will still be friendly to outsiders) and cliques (who will not). It's surprising that some posters can't see the difference.

I am in the drop and run camp. Although I do understand as at times I have felt like an outsider when a group of mums are heading off for a run or for coffee together after drop off. Their friendships have developed over the years mainly because they don't work so they have the time to do these things whereas I rush off to work so the reality is I can't be part of that.

Thanks for all for the reples. I've enjoyed reading all the replies. Found all the points really interesting. And good to know it's not just me feeling like this.

The cliques exist. When your child starts in Reception, none of you know anyone

You're starting from really poor logic. You might know loads of people, because you have older children in the school, because its a small town, because you're at the same gym or your kids went to the same pre-school or even you went to school together yourselves.

People who know each other, talking to each other, are not cliques.
People who you walk up to and chat at random are not awful bitches if they don't respond with warm offers of friendship.
The other parents at your kids school don't owe you anything!

The whole attitude stinks, and is one reason why people don't find it easy to make friends, because they are being appallingly judgemental AND assessing the whole thing wrong!

Just because you had children around the same time, does not mean you have to be friends with them. Just be polite, greet and drop off or pick up. You don't have to make friends with them. Have some playdates, parties etc, but don't take it seriously. If there is a likeminded person, make an effort to talk to them.

It's really not true people start the same in reception, a lot of the children will have gone to the same nursery/pre-school, have older kids at the school and sometimes they work together - in DC's class 3 of the mums work in the same place.

I don;t work and I drop and run. Also for pick up, I am in more of a rush, as I have to be there to greet my daughters transport. so I have to dash to the local school, pick up and dash home for her transport. I did get to know mums through parties, and you can sit and talk.

Meant I have to dash to local school, pick up my son, and dash back home to greet my daughters transport.

NotCaryl this is why many people like op are afraid of groups such as yours. Your not a married couple, I personally avoid groups such as this, and tend to chat to individuals on their own. Very playground mentality, haven't got time for this.

What do you mean by gatecrashing??

None of you have kids??

So how are you a group of school mums??

Oh right NotCaryl that is different, we are talking about school gate friends, and cliques.