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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To always feel like an outsider?

112 replies

bingisthebest · 03/03/2017 19:56

Wasn't sure where to post this. So sorry if incorrect.
Just find the whole school playground thing such a chore and often I feel uncomfortable. There are cliques but I wish it didn't affect me.
I don't have loads of friends but enough and felt happy with my lot until I had children at school and all these insecurities come out.
My children like t play after school for a bit which is fine and I chat to a few mums. But feel like some grps just make me feel like a lose! Am sure it's prob just me. How do I get a grip!!

OP posts:
schrodcat · 03/03/2017 22:54

I think you miss out if you drop and run. I am naturally very socially awkward but I can mask it well - and if you mask it long enough (honestly, just brazen it out) you will find you can start chatting to people and it really is as easy as that. I make myself go to this thing for local mums and I absolutely hate walking in. I steel myself and if I can't naturally catch someone's eye that I know I just pretend I have something to do (with some prop I have with me, or I look in my bag for something) until someone generally starts speaking to me and then it is fine. Sometimes I have to go to the loo and faff with my hair to kill time until someone I vaguely know a little better turns up, or just to see if the mix changes a little such that I can tag on a conversation, but if I make myself tough it out it is always pretty much worth it. I feel so proud of myself for being 'normal' (ha ha). Basically, I am shy, and nothing will ever change that, but I have my little strategies, and I like coffee too, and I don't want to be lonely and for all my friends to be friends from uni from 15 years ago who live 3 hours away. I want to get to know people who live nearby who I can actually see regularly, and if I have to go through some mild social torture, so be it.

CountClueless · 03/03/2017 22:55

I always hoped I'd meet a friend for life at the school gates like others do

It's more often the case that people who are already friends for life have children in the same school, so they talk to each other, along with others they know. Then people accuse them of being a clique because of their own issues.

Ellapaella · 03/03/2017 22:57

Count exactly! So much paranoia and so little insight on this thread..

WorraLiberty · 03/03/2017 22:59

That's fantastic schrodcat. Sometimes there's a knack to making friends, rather than just expecting everyone to automatically become a friend because their child has wound up at the same school.

You sound as though you definitely have that knack, even though it doesn't always come easily Thanks

seafoodeatit · 03/03/2017 23:00

You're not alone, far from it, it's just hard to notice all the other outsider parents because they're not as obvious to spot. Standing awkwardly on my own for the most part is why I show up minutes before they let them out!

Some are groups of friends, some clearly never left the high school mentality , are very clichey and outright ignore/are rude to other parents.

Don't put too much thought into it, be friendly and talk to who you like, I make small chit chat with a few of the parents outside the classroom and that's it, I don't consider making school friends a necessity.

sobeyondthehills · 03/03/2017 23:03

I have a few friends all with older children, so got the benefit of their wisdom.

Basically don't give a shit.

I also, went it with the attitude, that I don't necessarily want to be friends with someone just because I happened to give birth the same school year as them.

I suffer from GAD and doing the school run is exhausting for me. I am probably seen as unsociable but that is even if they give a second thought to me. I am at the point where I smile at a few parents, DS has been on a few play dates and had a giggle.

If I make friends with parents great, however I am there because my son is going to school.

schrodcat · 03/03/2017 23:04

WorraLiberty - ha, I bet I don't, there are probably people thinking 'why are hanging around?' - but I actually don't care (okay, maybe a little bit). If only 50% of the people you meet think you're weird that still leaves 50% who might be just like you and looking for a friendly face to chat to... Statistically speaking there just have to be other women just like you at pretty much every school gate or similar, but you have to stick it out ...

btfly2 · 03/03/2017 23:05

Don't worry please, I learnt it the hard way but I feel much better now and stronger. In a few years time you won't see most of these people and as the time goes by the children choose their own companion and friends. I've also learnt that in one way or another almost everyone feels the same but we try to disguise it. We are all humans and nobody is perfect! Enjoy your children, time flies, their childhood flies! I don't like the school run either but I think since I don't care anymore It does feel wonderfully lighter :)

Costalot1 · 03/03/2017 23:07

These kind of threads make me realise I need to make more effort with parents who don't have a circle of friends within the school. I'd hate to be making other parents feel uncomfortable. TBH the school my kids go to is great and there isn't any obvious bitchyness or exclusion.

Biffsboys · 03/03/2017 23:13

I go into the playground , pick up my ds and leave . I couldn't be bothere with the stress of making mum friends .

WorraLiberty · 03/03/2017 23:16

Costalot these sort of threads make me realise that no-one can please everyone.

As a PP said, the people moaning about 'cliques' wouldn't be moaning if they were a part of them. Therefore they can't be that against them, can they? Confused

But most of all, they make me so very thankful that my Mum never used our school as an opportunity to widen her own circle of friends.

School was all about us... her children. If she felt she needed more friends, she would have joined a social club.

I've seen too many kids forced to play with kids they don't like, forced to invite them to parties and forced to have playdates/days out purely because if they didn't, it would upset their mum's 'social circle'.

And considering school is actually the child's 'territory', I think that's pretty shit for them.

KERALA1 · 03/03/2017 23:17

Definitely good to make the effort you might make friends for life or at least get lift shares for your kids activities. Don't get the clique resentment - start your own clique!

KERALA1 · 03/03/2017 23:21

Odd to be thankful your mum never made friends with other parents - why?My parents still socialise and holiday with their school gate friends all in their 70s and I can't remember any dire ill effects!

LazydaysofSummer · 03/03/2017 23:22

There are lots of cliques in playgrounds but I suspect if you take a look around past obvious groups you'll spot lots of other parents stood alone. You are not on your own, there will be a number of parents thinking no one ever talks to me, so perhaps you could start a new trend and strike up a conversation with a stranger. If you make a mammoth effort one week to start a conversation with another parent on their own each day, you might find the rest of the term you have someone to talk to most days. It's not exactly making friends for life but it's a start to feeling comfortable at drop off and pick up.

I suspect genuine friendships are more likely to happen through PTA activities, rather than a few minutes in the playground.

littlefrog3 · 03/03/2017 23:23

You can definitely tell the people in cliques from the people on the outside who never fit in!

And do people seriously think that the mums that don't fit in WANT to be in the cliques? Errr no!

It's not just a matter of being more friendly, and trying to fit it, and anyone implying this shows how clueless they are about all this, and how horrible it feels when the ratty cliques gather in their covens outside the school!

No point in saying anything else because the people who have never been shunned and never been an outsider, simply don't get it.

WorraLiberty · 03/03/2017 23:27

KERALA That wasn't what I said.

I said, I'm so very thankful that my Mum never used our school as an opportunity to widen her own circle of friends

As it happened she did make a few friends, just completely naturally - through being there day in/day out at school run time, as you might.

But she never went there with the intention of using our school, for her own gain if that makes sense?

ScarlettFreestone · 03/03/2017 23:28

Before I returned to work I was at the school gate every day. Got to know the other Mums, usually talked to the same women.

After I went back to work I'm hardly ever at the school gate, the groups have changed a bit and on the rare occasion I'm there I (happily) wait on my own for my DC.

I could walk over and join a group but I quite like the 5 mins peace.

I heard someone else from the same school as me talk about "cliques" and "alpha PTA Mums" at the school gate. She's completely wrong.

They are all perfectly nice friendly women. If she made a bit of effort to introduce herself and get know them she'd see that.

But she isn't brave enough to, so she stands and internally bitches.

If you are the outsider, it's up to you to make an effort to change the status quo.

CountClueless · 03/03/2017 23:28

Seriously, listen to yourselves. A handful of women having a chat for 5 mins before the bell rings and you're ranting about "ratty covens" and "vile mafias" and shunning and outsiders....its INSANE.

in what other context would you think people were unholy bitches if they didn't talk to people they didn't know instead of the ones they did. None, that's what.

WorraLiberty · 03/03/2017 23:29

'Ratty cliques and covens'?

Blimey Confused

Again, Mumsnet makes me even more thankful that my Mum just saw our school as our school.

And the other parents as...well other parents really.

KERALA1 · 03/03/2017 23:31

Why are women that dare to make friends demonised? Very strange.

schrodcat · 03/03/2017 23:37

The clue is you have to 'make' friends. They don't get doled out by a bigger, fairer person in the sky or anything. So you have to make a bit of an effort, if you think it is worth it and you have time and you don't have other places to be. It is good practice for other aspects of life. I am surprised that a lot of professional women diss the school gate - I bet they are also complaining that they find networking events difficult and male-dominated. One has to get over oneself at some stage in life.

CountClueless · 03/03/2017 23:41

Some people seem to expect that they will walk into the school and people should rush up to them to have a nice chat and invite them for coffee, and they are hurt and appalled when they don't.

AbernathysFringe · 03/03/2017 23:41

I guess accepting that you might have zero in common with people you meet through your kids, EXCEPT the fact you have kids, is a good place to start. Relieve yourself of any feeling of failure - you don't have to bond with these people.
At the gates just be polite, friendly, ask questions, but hold back a bit unless they turn out to have something amazing in common with you - that should make it easy on you when you're at the gates and easy on your child's social life.
Cliques, I guess, are closed to new members and exude a sense of their own superiority. Friendship groups are approachable.
Out of all the baby groups I've been to, there's really only been one person I'd be friends with because we have more in common than just a baby. I'm not a women's woman, I get on much better with men (I think gin's disgusting for one thing). I'm sure it'll be the case for me at the school gates too except I secretly plan to rise through the PTA and wield iron-fisted influence over the Fatface brigade...

KERALA1 · 03/03/2017 23:46

The networking comment is good - lots of sahm get jobs and business contacts in the playground

WoopWoop200 · 04/03/2017 07:24

I see the sanctimommies are out in force on this thread.....Op came here for support as she was feeling low and some of you are not even being nice.
I don't go to the school gate to "widen my circle of friends" the people who keeps saying that shit are being judgemental asses...Yes, you are. You're no being supportive or understanding in anyway
To me, the reason parents want to be friendly with other parents is so that everyone feels safe leaving their child at play dates with other people.so their kids get to socialise with other school children and not just their personal friends kids.
Yes, there are friendship groups and yes their are cliques. Theyve all usually known each other way before school days. The difference is the friendship groups are friendly. The cliques are the ones that no matter how hard you try, will turn their back on you, be rude and pretend you don't exist.
I agree parent need to make a solid effort and not just expect others to come up to them. I did it and it's been very beneficial to my DS. Not me. My DS.

Remember guys....Be supportive and understanding

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