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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To always feel like an outsider?

112 replies

bingisthebest · 03/03/2017 19:56

Wasn't sure where to post this. So sorry if incorrect.
Just find the whole school playground thing such a chore and often I feel uncomfortable. There are cliques but I wish it didn't affect me.
I don't have loads of friends but enough and felt happy with my lot until I had children at school and all these insecurities come out.
My children like t play after school for a bit which is fine and I chat to a few mums. But feel like some grps just make me feel like a lose! Am sure it's prob just me. How do I get a grip!!

OP posts:

gandalf456 · 04/03/2017 21:58

I'll have to look out for that

NavyandWhite · 04/03/2017 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Derlei · 04/03/2017 23:05

Genuine question - but when you're "chatting to other Mums" while you're waiting around or watching the kids play, what do you talk about?? I just can't see me making any meaningful conversation other than boring small talk, which sometimes is worse than not talking at all!

If I was stood with a group of mums and they're talking about current affairs, or the school, or something I could contribute to, then I think I'd be fine. If they're talking about so and so who lives round the corner, or the fun night out they had, or the cake they ate at their coffee date the other week, then I would feel exactly like the OP and I would probably be avoiding them

KERALA1 · 04/03/2017 23:20

The weather
What you or they have done that day - which then leads on to any random topic about your own or their work or activity
The current topic of the day for school - whether older dc got into which school, book day nonsense etc

Saying anything negative about anyone else - absolutely never

gandalf456 · 04/03/2017 23:24

Sometimes is the above. Others, it's useful stuff about the school or a bit of a.joke (but not many at my school at the moment -there are some.very serious people).

I do believe you have to 'network' to a point as you can rely on one another for support eg if a sibling is sick and you or they need a lift to school. It's a bit like with neighbours really - it's nice to have someone put your bin out and keep an eye on your house while on holiday.

I'm on my 2nd and last child at primary . I no.longer have huge expectations other than the above. If I do make friends for life it's a bonus. Sometimes, though, I am not sure it works with the school dynamic. Too complicated and too claustrophobic

SeaEagleFeather · 05/03/2017 22:14

What's the difference between a friendship group and a clique?

friendship groups are open to the idea of other people joining. Cliques are just for them, and them alone

Son's first school was full of cliques who froze everyone else out. If one of the clique was alone, they'd never talk to others. If another of their clique came along, they'd instantly drop the outsider.

Second school is full of friendship groups, but if one of them is alone they'll talk to others and complete the conversation or even stay with the person they;re talking to.

I don't talk to many people in the play ground in either school but my goodness you can tell the difference by observing how the parents behave and by the atmosphere.

domestichiefofstaff · 05/03/2017 22:26

I find the best thing to do is just be nice to everyone- cliques are borne out of insecurity and a lack of emotional intelligence. The cliquey groups at my school prob think I'm a bit of a Pratt but they can't get me for being impolite or stuck up!

domestichiefofstaff · 05/03/2017 22:29

It may help that I genuinely don't care what they think of me! I'm a plumpish old boot but I'm comfortable in my own skin. Take me as I am - happy to share the wine in my fridge with anyone who risks a smile, a friendly comment. The cliques miss out on sooooooo much

SeaEagleFeather · 05/03/2017 22:38

Also, from the first school I saw a lot of the parents were born and grew up there and know each other from age 6. They are happy talking to their friends and don't want to move out of the comfort zone especially not to people from different cultures. Which is fine, but the word 'clique' does apply then. They make excuses to avoid playdates with anyone except their friends' children, no matter who asks them.

In the second school there is a mix of people who'd grown up together in the same area and people from more varied backgrounds. The people who'd grown up together still tend to stick together but somehow with a more open approach. They'll entertain the idea of playdates with different children.

I don't know why there is the difference between the two schools, but there is one. Pretending that cliques don't exist is just silly or naive. But caring too much about them - well, there's no point if it's for your own sake, look for your friends elsewhere through hobbies etc. If your children are finding it hard to get playdates though, that's a different matter. 'Then the cliques are damaging.

Only proviso: if you're new in an area it's really natural to want to make friends and the school gate is a place where you find lots of people!

feckitt · 05/03/2017 22:46

You will make some really good friends on the school run. The others don't matter. Don't let them worry you.

KERALA1 · 06/03/2017 20:52

I think it's easier if you new in town somewhere where lots of others in same boat. Thinking about it all the friends we met through kids were new or newish in town as well. Must be very hard breaking in somewhere like sea eagle describes.

CountClueless · 06/03/2017 20:56

You will make some really good friends on the school run

Why would you tell people that? Why should they make any friends?

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