To always feel like an outsider?

[bingisthebest]

Wasn't sure where to post this. So sorry if incorrect.
Just find the whole school playground thing such a chore and often I feel uncomfortable. There are cliques but I wish it didn't affect me.
I don't have loads of friends but enough and felt happy with my lot until I had children at school and all these insecurities come out.
My children like t play after school for a bit which is fine and I chat to a few mums. But feel like some grps just make me feel like a lose! Am sure it's prob just me. How do I get a grip!!

[Aeroflotgirl]

Well not of course it is extremely rude of someone to gatecrash your date, but this is about school gate friendships, not that situation

[MadMags]

Firstly, we cross posted. It happens.

Secondly, you can understand my confusion since the thread is about school gate friendships!

[Aeroflotgirl]

Yes it is a bit, as your talking about rude people gate crashing your dates which is unacceptable, and we are talking about he school gate cliques. When I see a group of mums at the school gate talking, I tend to avoid them, accept a quick hello if I knew the person. If I know a few in the group, I will talk a bit, but now my son has just started school, and my daughter has special needs transport I don't have time to talk, as I have to dash back home to wait for my daughters transport.

[yorkshapudding]

This thread has been a bit of an eye-opener for me as DD isn't school age yet and I had no idea that the school run was such a social minefield

I work full time and can't see that changing anytime soon so when she does start Reception I will be in the drop and run camp out of necessity. It never really occurred to me before that other Mums might have the expectation of making friends at the school gates- I can see how it could potentially happen but the idea that if it doesn't then you might have been wronged or slighted in some way seems odd to me. You're there to get the kids to and from school, not to socialise. If you do happen to meet someone you hit it off with and that turns into a social arrangement then that's a nice bonus, but some posters are making it sound like the whole point in taking your kids to school is to meet up with other mums.

Am now worrying that my DC are going be at a disadvantage socially because I won't have time to socialise with other mums at the school gates, which I feel ridiculous admitting to but honestly, this thread makes it sound compulsory!

[MadMags]

It's not compulsory at all! Don't worry about it. Your children will develop friendships just fine.

Caryl there's drifting and then completely changing the point! :)

[Aeroflotgirl]

yorkshapudding my feelings exactly! You drop your child to school and go, then pick them up, and go home.

[ScarlettFreestone]

york I'm not at the school gate and my kids aren't socially disadvantaged at all.

Just make sure to chat to other parents on the inevitable birthday party circuit, fb friend them or swap numbers and you'll be fine.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Say hello to a few, and some polite chit chat whilst waiting to pick up child.

[WhooooAmI24601]

I work at DS2's school so am rarely on the playground at home time to join in the conversations. Fortunately he's in a class with lovely children so I've got to know some of the parents through parties and get-togethers. Hardly anyone is clique-y or rude.

DS1's infant school class was hard work. Definite cliques and groups who never spoke or mingled. I let it go and focussed on making friends elsewhere, but looking back I wasn't working at the school at the time so probably had a lot more time to dwell on the clique-y nature of them than I do now, and being on the playground every day meant I noticed it far more.

[KERALA1]

Yorkshire I really wouldn't worry. Even if you work you will find yourself meeting up with other parents whether you like it not - birthday parties, activities etc. Several of a group of friends I have met through school work full time. Your friendships or not don't impact on the children they make their own friends.

It is great if you happen to get on with your DCs friends - a lucky bonus. Always good to make new friends plus its brilliant having a support network for childcare emergencies and to share lifts as they get older. I have got Brownies\Guides runs down to one way per fortnight result!

[CountClueless]

Oh right NotCaryl that is different, we are talking about school gate friends, and cliques

This is the exact point, HOW is it different? When you thought the poster was talking about a group of friends who happen to be at the school gate, you said people were afraid of groups like that, they are a clique, they have a playground mentality, etc etc. But if they are the same friends, doing the same thing, literally anywhere else but the school, its completely acceptable and normal behaviour.

What is it about the school gate that you think changes the whole thing so much?

[gandalf456]

Op. You are doing better than you think. You chat and are friendly to those who reciprocate. That's all you have to do. If others want to be odd and not respond, it really is their issue and no reflection on you or your dc.

Personally, I have found play dates have worked better with the friendlier ones anyway.

Also, sometimes it pays to hang back just a little. Kids' friendships can be fickle and if you are great mates with the parents, it can be difficult when they arent friendly anymore.

I think it's a funny environment. I know it doesn't particularly suit me and I know that to be true of lots of people. I am not great where everybody's different yet the same

[RubyWinterstorm]

Countclueless, that is the million dollar question!

I think it may be be ause it transports people back to their own childhood, in their mind.

I reckon the ones who worry about cliques had the same worry as a child?

[Desperina]

I've been an outsider all my life and although I'm not at the school stage yet I fully expect this to continue. I'm sort of a proud outsider these days though.

[gandalf456]

I agree but I do also agree with others who've said there's an element of unfriendliness and exclusivity in many situations where you have a large amount of people. To say that all you have to do is smile and be nice is probably a tad optimistic. Sometimes you might end up kissing frogs The key is not to take it personally and learn who not to approach

[RhodaBorrocks]

I drop and run because of work. I've made friends with other mums outside of school at DS social groups, mostly fellow outcasts as we all have DC with SEN.

I don't always have enough adult contact as a single mum so I sometimes get too excited and talk too much, but no one's ever frozen me out for it, though I'm probably annoying at times. I do listen well though when others are talking!

I suffer from anxiety so I don't always push for coffee and play dates, but I know if I want to make friends I have to get involved. I volunteer to help with groups and activities and I have also made a diverse group of friends through a hobby I got into to get me out of the house a few times a month. Since pushing myself to do that I couldn't give a stuff about the school mums any more.

[yerbutnobut]

There are cliques, identifiable by their common ground of slating other kids and parents and this seems to be the glue that bonds them, done school run for over 10 years and heard enough in my time, been subject to some of the cliques nasty comments, based on hear say. There are also just parents who stand and talk to one another about nicer subjects that dont entail tearing other people down.

[RubyWinterstorm]

All this coffee drinking is just killing time, I always think of a way out if someone asks me to have coffee as I need to walk the dog/get some hours work in/would rather play tennis

I meet up for dog walks, as that is sociable and useful, but sitting down with a coffee... it feels like wasting time

[RubyWinterstorm]

There is a new series in the making, think the pilot is on bbc i player, called motherhood/motherland or something?

Very funny and looks like it was lifted STRAIGHT of MN!

Watch it