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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a weird thing for MIL to suggest?

133 replies

user1477282676 · 26/01/2017 10:57

She's usually nice but can be "full-on".

I've emigrated to DH's home country a year ago...obviously MIL lives here too.

She said yesterday "When you go home to visit, I'll come with you to help with the kids"

And I thought...erm...nope! I don't want it to be about MIL when I go home! I want it to be about my family!

So I said "Erm no...we'll be a bit wrapped up in visiting" and she said "Oh I'd do my own thing"

Except it wouldn't be would it? We'd be getting invitations to places and MIL would be sitting alone in a rental flat!

As if! AIBU to think it's an odd thing to suggest? DH and I have kids but they youngest is almost 9 and the eldest is 12...not small enough to need help with.

OP posts:
FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 26/01/2017 11:00

I don't think it's odd - she wants to visit your home and the children are a convenient excuse. Is she generally the type who can't take care of herself and go to museums and stuff on her own? Maybe she wants to forge a relationship with your parents?

If you don't want her to go then you need to have some solid reasons otherwise it'll be 'oh I'll be no bother, you won't know I'm there'.

ohfourfoxache · 26/01/2017 11:01

Definitely a bit odd Confused

I think a "that's really sweet of you and thank you for the offer, but as the Dc are so much older we don't need the help"

If she persists then hand her over to dh

milkmoustache · 26/01/2017 11:01

Yes, that is exceptionally weird. Are you able to have a direct and honest conversation with her, or is your relationship more tricky?

Original poster
user1477282676 · 26/01/2017 11:04

Felicia she's met my family on a number of occassions. She's not close to them...no reason for her to want to spend time with them as my family are very different to her. Mine don't drink or socialise at all...they're quiet and reserved.

I just think it's weird. She's trying to hijack a trip which will be very important to me as I've not been home for 14 months since I left. It will cost us a lot to visit and will take possibly another 10 months before we make it over there!

OP posts:
llangennith · 26/01/2017 11:05

Definitely odd. And rude to invite yourself on a trip which is clearly a sentimental visit.
Say "I'm sorry it wouldn't work for me. I don't see my family as much as I'd like and this trip is special"

Bluntness100 · 26/01/2017 11:08

I think she just fancies a holiday. Possibly didn't think you would object. She should have simply said I'd like to come please as i fancy s holiday and can help put with the kids.

milkmoustache · 26/01/2017 11:08

If it's been such a long time since you visited your family, then it is clearly your trip, your time with them, and she is muscling in! It might be a bit different if you visited more often, but I still think it would be an odd idea...

Original poster
user1477282676 · 26/01/2017 11:08

It is bloody rude isn't it!? So annoying. I will just ignore it for now and when we book, I will say no thank you firmly.

I hope she's not going to offer to pay or anything as that would make it hard to say no...not that I would say yes...but if she offered to pay on condition she came, I'd consider going no contact with her.

I wouldn;t put that past her actually and maybe that thought is why I am worrying about it.

OP posts:
EineKleine · 26/01/2017 11:09

Perhaps she just would like to visit your home country, have a holiday, meet your family, spend more time with the kids...

None of those things are weird. It might feel odd for you if she comes but I don't see what's weird about her wanting to go.

Original poster
user1477282676 · 26/01/2017 11:09

Bluntness but that would have been equally rude! "I'd like to come please" is just not on!

If you're ASKED then fine. But you don't ask to go with someone on their trip home! Even if it is your DIL!

OP posts:
SingingInTheRainstorm · 26/01/2017 11:10

She probably wants to see the country you come from, travel and get about a bit. She also maybe would like to meet your parents. Not necessarily all the time, but on occasion.

fuzzywuzzy · 26/01/2017 11:13

I'd say no, I want to spend time with my family.

She's met the ops family before so it's not that.

pipsqueak25 · 26/01/2017 11:14

if she wanted to visit your country why can't she take a holiday there instead ? thanks but no thanks, you don't need help, dh needs to stick his oar in and tell her to behave herself and stay out of it

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/01/2017 11:14

Definitely rather odd and very encroaching. If the children were babies, I might be able to see a point to it, but they're not. And even then I wouldn't want her to come too!

The only time I have considered suggesting MIL come with us when we go back to the UK was this Christmas (the only Christmas we've been back in 7 years) - but that was contingent on DH coming with us too, and he chose not to. So he and his mother stayed here, and I took the DC back to see my family in the UK by myself (as I have done every other trip with them by myself).

MIL suggesting she came too to help would be also met with "thanks but no thanks".

BewtySkoolDropowt · 26/01/2017 11:15

I don't think it's weird that she would want to come with you. Who doesn't enjoy going to different places and experiencing new things? Clearly it's something that you like to do seeing as you emigrated! Even better to do it with people you love.

It's not what you want, and that's totally understandable too. But it's so very far from weird.

If you lived in this country and you were visiting the country you now live in, would it be weird if your mum wanted to go with you and see the country that your husband is from and your children effectively are 'half'?

DeathStare · 26/01/2017 11:15

When you used to visit her from your country did you bring your mother? If not, maybe point this out to her including how she might have felt if you had. IIf you did bring your mother, then I can see where she got the idea.

NavyandWhite · 26/01/2017 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ParadiseCity · 26/01/2017 11:18

Get a pet or a lot of plants. Then tell mil you're depending on her to take care of them during your trip. 'But you said you wanted to help us'.

MrEBear · 26/01/2017 11:18

I find it weird too. Is she scared the kids will prefer your family to her or something?

I'm also guessing that she has visited your home country at some point in the previous 11 years between DC 1 being born and you emigrating to where you are now.

If she mentions it again then it is over to DH with a comment of when you were going to visit his family yours didn't think it was ok to tag along. (I assume that is the case)

Original poster
user1477282676 · 26/01/2017 11:22

Bewty I should have said, she's been to the UK many, many times from when she was young! It's nothing she's not seen before.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1477282676 · 26/01/2017 11:22

Bear I did think that. Maybe she doesn't want the DC to forget her...in case they want to stay in the UK!

OP posts:
HoneyBeeMum1 · 26/01/2017 11:26

I don't think she is weird for wanting to go with you, but I think you are entitled to say 'no'.

limitedperiodonly · 26/01/2017 11:27

She's asked and you're going to say no. So what's the problem? It's not weird or rude, it's just her and presumably in fitting with what you said about her being 'full-on' but essentially a nice woman.

It would be a bit pushy for her to turn up at the check in desk with you but I guess she won't do that.

dollydaydream114 · 26/01/2017 11:27

I suspect she actually means well and just thought it would nice to visit your home country and have a bit of a holiday while also thinking she could look after the kids while you were off doing stuff - but yes, it's a bit pushy and it sounds like she's just not really grasping the nuances of the situation and being a bit bull-in-a-china-shop about it all. Not weird, exactly, just a bit forward and tactless.

I can totally see why you don't want her to go with you, and I think you or your husband just needs to say 'It's lovely of you to offer to help with the kids but my family are probably going to want to monopolise them on their short stay back home and we've got so much planned, so it won't be necessary.' As you say, it's not like your kids are little any more. I'd feel the same as you if it were me.

Crispbutty · 26/01/2017 11:28

"but if she offered to pay on condition she came, I'd consider going no contact with her"

Wow! You really don't like this woman do you.

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