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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a weird thing for MIL to suggest?

133 replies

user1477282676 · 26/01/2017 10:57

She's usually nice but can be "full-on".

I've emigrated to DH's home country a year ago...obviously MIL lives here too.

She said yesterday "When you go home to visit, I'll come with you to help with the kids"

And I thought...erm...nope! I don't want it to be about MIL when I go home! I want it to be about my family!

So I said "Erm no...we'll be a bit wrapped up in visiting" and she said "Oh I'd do my own thing"

Except it wouldn't be would it? We'd be getting invitations to places and MIL would be sitting alone in a rental flat!

As if! AIBU to think it's an odd thing to suggest? DH and I have kids but they youngest is almost 9 and the eldest is 12...not small enough to need help with.

OP posts:
EineKleine · 26/01/2017 11:29

Add message | Report | Message poster | user1477282676 Thu 26-Jan-17 11:22:01
Bewty I should have said, she's been to the UK many, many times from when she was young! It's nothing she's not seen before.

Maybe she likes the UK then! People like holidays, generally. Not weird to ask IMO, but rude if she keeps insisting. Very clear "no thank you", repeatedly.

username1317 · 26/01/2017 11:37

This would piss me off royally.

You live in her country, her family has more regular involvement in your DH and DCs life than your family do, she's in control and that's how she likes it. She wants in on this trip too, because the idea of you and dc having a life that has nothing to do with her makes her uncomfortable.

Or, in might be projecting Grin

Brankolium · 26/01/2017 11:37

"Thanks for the offer but this visit is really about me catching up with my family. A holiday together is a lovely idea though, lets plan a weekend away once we get back"

Bashfulinseduary · 26/01/2017 11:41

I had very similar from my MIL. My DHL couldn't get time off and I think she thought I would like the company.
I talked to her about how I felt.
"MIL I love living near you and the close bond you have with the DC, but my family really miss us. I would really like to spend some time on our own with them."
She was fine when she understood why I was rejecting her offer.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 26/01/2017 11:41

She likes you a lot and loves the grandchildren, that's all.

NotMyPenguin · 26/01/2017 11:43

You could always say (probably entirely truthfully) that you're worried it might make your family feel funny, as they haven't been able to see you much, and your MIL gets to see you all the time now you live nearby...

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/01/2017 11:54

Why would you consider going no contact? She may be a bit "full on" but unless there is a huge back story, this sounds a bit extreme.

seafoodeatit · 26/01/2017 11:58

I don't think it's too difficult a situation, just be honest and say that you want to go on your own with your kids and spend quality time with your family. That's a valid enough point, there is no reason for you have to dream up excuses or come up with something elaborate, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. She may be fine with it, but if she isn't that doesn't mean she can tag along regardless.

CheesyWeez · 26/01/2017 12:01

I have a suggestion I could just throw in here... She could help with the children by looking after them in your home while you visit your parents on your own. Then you could go during school term time, much cheaper...

I don't know if you'd want to do that, but I do it sometimes and it's nice.

I live abroad and luckily my family realized it was much easier for them to visit me than for me-with-kids-in-tow to visit them.

shovetheholly · 26/01/2017 12:06

Be direct and honest: ':That's a really lovely offer. But I really want this trip to be focused on my family. So I'm going to have to say thanks but no".

It's rude and presumptious in the extreme to invite yourself like she has done!

preciouspig · 26/01/2017 12:06

She obviously just likes you a lot. It isnt weird and the whole no contact from you is a bit harsh I think

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 26/01/2017 12:12

I think you've just got to be brutally honest. "I really don't want to upset you MIL, and you know that we love spending so much time with you now that we live here, but this trip is a rare opportunity for us to spend time alone with my family for a change. I know you're saying that you'll just do your own thing, but when it comes down to it I think you would probably still expect to join us on day trips and evenings out and things. I hope you can understand. Maybe we can plan another trip somewhere with you at another time."

user1471518295 · 26/01/2017 12:14

But if she had not asked, you would not know she wanted to come? Say, for example, you get back from the trip, and she said AFTER you returned, I wish I could have gone with you ... and you MAY say, if I had known, you could have come along (and actually meant it) - who knows ...

It may be that she thinks you want to go out and about in the evening and she can babysit your DC.

It does not HAVE to be an offer with an ulterior motive. She may be having a shit time right now that you do not know about.

Equally, she could be an interfering old bat, and you could be totally right. Just suggesting that you could look at it differently.

Dutch1e · 26/01/2017 12:23

This depends a lot on whether she's done a lot of attention-seeking stuff before or if she just gets a bit over-excited and speaks without thinking.

It's quite lovely that she is interested in getting to know your roots. Not just the country you've come from as she's been there but how you are when you're there. And how her grandkids are when they're there. It's a significant side of all of you that she doesn't know.

Completely understandable to say no, but there's a slim chance it would be a good experience, especially if she's as self-sufficient as she claims and would be happy to be a small part of the trip without dominating it.

Original poster
user1477282676 · 26/01/2017 13:12

Dutch she's seen it ALL before. She visited us regularly when DH and I lived in the UK with the DC.

OP posts:
StrawberryShortcake32 · 26/01/2017 13:29

I have the reverse to you. My husband immigrated to the UK years before we met. We have a 4 month old baby. if we decided to visit the in laws overseas my mother would never want to intrude on that special family time. You won't need help with the kids as you have family there that have havent seen you all in ages and will want to help out themselves.

I'd go with that.
'Thank you MIL ever so much for the offer but the overseas family are very much looking forward to helping with the kids and are very excited about it as they don't see them often. I really do appreciate the offer but we won't be needing the help.'

Good luck and I hope it all goes well.'

BewtySkoolDropowt · 26/01/2017 13:46

Doesn't matter how many times she has been to the UK. You are still BU to think this is weird, imo, which is what you asked.

YANBU to not want her to go with you though.

Servicesupportforall · 26/01/2017 13:53

As a mil I wouldn't dream of muscling in like this. It's rude and thoughtless as it's your families precious time with the kids and you.

Be honest and get your dh to tell her if needed.

Can't get the going 'no contact' though that sounds a tad OTT op.

Llanali · 26/01/2017 13:56

Another who thinks whilst you are entitled to say no, I think it's OTT ago proclaim her exceptionally rude and weird to have suggested it, and very bizarre to consider no contact over it!?

diddl · 26/01/2017 14:00

"When you go home to visit, I'll come with you to help with the kids"

So she wasn't polite enough to even ask?

HarryPottersMagicWand · 26/01/2017 14:17

"I don't need help thanks, they are old enough to help themselves, we'll visit you when we get back, bye."

That's your response. And no YANBU. Cannot imagine why she would want to come unless she feels she's missing out on something for some bizarre reason. Which she isn't as it isn't her family.

Crispbutty · 26/01/2017 14:21

I've seen some places before, doesn't mean I wouldn't like to see them again.

Is she on her own? Who does she normally go on holidays with?

coffeetasteslikeshit · 26/01/2017 14:22

I don't think it's that weird either, she must like you and think that you like her too and so thinks it would be nice to go abroad together. OR she may think that you are uncomfortable about travelling alone?

Whatever, you can say no. I can't believe you'd consider going no contact over this!

Ohyesiam · 26/01/2017 14:26

I got this last year with in-laws offering to come on our summer holiday to help look after a 12 and 9 year old..... We said come up for 2 days if you want, and I declined.
I guess your mil is bored, or needs a holiday.

AntiGrinch · 26/01/2017 14:27

You'll have to be honest - say "I really want to spend time, just me and the dcs, with my family and old friends, and it's important to me that I'm completely free and independent for that"